The Secret World of Maya Alexander

Chapter 10

Over a month had passed before Maya was offered her first appointment with the Oasis Counselling Service. It was usual practice to give clients appropriate time and space to process some of the loss they had experienced before intervening unnecessarily.

Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Depression. Acceptance.

Maya had certainly spent some time acquainted with the first stage of grief but she had closed the door on the process long before she could really arrive at acceptance. Of course, those around her thought she was well on her way to the promised land of moving forward. She was back in work. She had agreed to counselling. She was answering her sister's hour-long calls every evening. She was making sure that the washing did not linger in the machine for more than twenty minutes after the cycle had completed. She was functioning.

Denial. Function.

Was that wrong? Instead of moving forward, she had moved back. Back to before. Before longing. Before having. Before loss.

On the day of her first counselling appointment, she arrived for work at the clinic at exactly 08:25 a.m, something which had so far remained customary during this period of her life. She was never late for anything as she could not stand being kept waiting. Arriving early ensured a good choice of spaces, including Maya's preferred spot, which she reversed into with ease, like sliding into a favourite jumper. Her hand silenced the engine.

She glanced down at her now loosely fitting floral blouse. Stephen had ironed it and laid it out for her because he had recalled that they had both liked that blouse once.

Of course, Maya knew that blouse and the memory that they had shared. She could have recalled every detail of the last time it had wrapped itself around her, if she would only give her mind permission. Her first instinct upon seeing the blouse laid out that morning, had been anger. How could Stephen be so oblivious!? She screwed the blouse into a ball and cast it to the floor.

Moments later she fell to the floor in regret . She pulled the blouse into her arms,  crying as she cradled and comforted the fabric, sorry for the sadness they had once shared. As the tears flowed for her loss for just the second time, her strength grew. It might help with the counselling session she had arranged for the end of the day if she allowed herself some connection to her feelings. She decided that consenting to the company of her blouse was a good idea after all, creases included.

Shifting her gaze out of the car window, Maya indulged in the vibrant and noisy call of Spring in full bloom. The now thick and drooping branches of her favourite group or Silver Birch trees hung over the corner of the car park, their collection of tooth edged light green leaves now a shaded canopy. A respite from the harsh sun, or indeed the cold winds and rain; all of which were common manifestations of Spring in South Wales.

The trees had begun to flower. Thick yellow brown clusters of tiny lambs tails hung down between the leaves. They were not obvious looking flowers. In fact most people would pass those trees every day for years and never notice the cycle of life before their eyes. Lately, Maya had joined those who were oblivious to the birth of life all around them. But today, Spring seemed to demand the return of her attentions. The luscious green vitality leapt to awaken her senses. To experience feel the world at its most alive! The warm secrets of Spring quenched her of a thirst she had not even noticed.

Her eyes retreated briefly from the rich and fertile branches to the still and lifeless floral decoration of her blouse. It was not long ago that she gained so much pleasure from looking down as life grew beneath that pretty floral pattern. A pain rose up from the emptiness beneath her costume. Stabbing through her chest, lodging itself in her throat, suffocating her. Her heart raced. Panic. Was she suffocating? Could she breathe? Her breaths became quicker. Urgent.  But no air filled her lungs. Her cage felt as hot as hell. Her fingers lunged towards the window button.