The Secret World of Maya Alexander

Chapter 21

If there had been any change in Maya's dissonance with the world since the news of her new responsibility, it was barely perceptible by those with whom Maya shared her everyday encounters. She continued to spend her nights in the spare room, but Stephen wondered whether she slept at all. Each night he checked in and found her gazing into the mirror. The next morning she would seem to be in the very same position. A few colleagues at work had also begun to notice how she seemed to stare into the mirror in the bathroom for long periods, as though she was watching something no one else could see.

Maya had stopped spending meal times with her colleagues or husband. In fact no one saw her eat. They could hear her being sick in the bathroom sometimes. Maya felt embarrassed by this, but she had been overcome with waves of sickness. She was still aware enough of her own psychological training to question this nauseous feeling she had throughout the day. It never left her. A sickness always in her throat. Not relieved by vomiting nor by nibbling on her meal replacement of digestive biscuits. She had to stop drinking tea for it left the most disgusting metallic taste in her mouth. Everything did in fact. So she would sip water and suck mints. Just to get through the day.

It had been a relief a few weeks earlier when Marge had suggested further reducing her hours at work. Maya  felt so tired and sick all of the time that she knew it was affecting her concentration. She tried not to think of the origins of these feelings and instead just accepted when her mind flew her away to peaceful lands faraway from contemplation. Her concern for how others may perceive her: whether she was good enough, kind enough, or professional enough, had also taken flight during those days of the late summer. She felt freer than ever before. Freed of a need to prove herself to anyone, including herself. Though she was not completely free. She still managed to feel extremely embarrassed about rushing to the toilet to be sick several times a day. It was something which was bound to raise alarm in the setting in which she worked.

After a third episode of vomiting one day in late August, Maya stood before the mirror examining the image before her. She noticed how pale and drawn her face had become, her teeth were yellowing, dark circles had formed beneath her eyes. Her hair had seemed to grow thicker and stronger, despite her mal-nourishment, and hung like a maine that seemed out of place upon her petite frame. Maya looked down at her body. Her arms had become gaunt but her stomach remained plump, as did her chest. At that moment, Maya contemplated for the first time that her mind might be playing tricks on her. She looked again in the mirror but the image had not changed. She knew starvation could play tricks with perception. Was she starving herself? She thought the sickness was just a pining or a longing. She had not considered the way in which this sickness had taken over her body. She looked again at the mirror, this time she saw her friend the hummingbird buzzing above her, distracting her from her contemplation. She smiled as she saw him. Her thin fingers reached forward and were greeted by his soft plumage as he gently hummed a sweet lullaby, which told Maya it would be okay.

Fly away Maya, don't be blue
My wings will always be humming for you
Be with me
Let this end
I'm your warrior
And your friend

In a blink, faraway
Awaken paradise night and day
Be with me
Let this end
I'm your warrior
And your friend

In this world, all alone
Now it's time for coming home
Follow me
I'll lead the way
To a kinder world
It's okay

Leave behind all pain and fear
You know you will be treasured here
Follow me
I'll lead the way
To a kinder world
No need to stay

It was Marge who walked in and found Maya, trance like in the mirror that day. She had never quite believed the descriptions that had been shared with her by other colleagues, who she had  assumed were gossiping unfairly about a well-loved member of the team who was simply going through a tough time. It startled Marge to see a Psychologist who she held in such high esteem in such a state. The shock set in so much that Marge was unable to confront it in that moment, choosing instead to leave the bathroom quietly. Hoping that Maya had not noticed. Yet instinctively knowing that Maya had most certainly not noticed. There had been a distant look in Maya's eyes that Marge had recognised in many patients during episodes of hallucination.