The Secret World of Maya Alexander

Chapter 44

During the first few days of Stephen's departure, Maya convinced herself that she felt more peaceful and settled in her home. That not seeing Stephen had released her from her guilt and created a feeling of rest within her soul. But as the dark nights cut the days ever shorter, an unrest crept in. The house was big and empty and Maya had no one to hide from but herself. Yet still she found herself closed in the guest room by 6pm every evening with nothing for company, except the big standing mirror staring back at her.

Perhaps it had been easier for her to blame Stephen for her unrest, as long as he had been in their home causing her heart to beat more quickly every time she heard a door close. Or sending her spiralling between wretchedness and apathy with his angry outbursts. And despite all of that, hadn't she been doing just fine within their marriage until Stephen's revelation in June? The revelation, which even now she could barely allow herself to contemplate, knowing the flood that it might set forth in her mind. She was trying so hard to keep her head swimming above her own icy waters. She could not let the ocean begin to crash against the shores of her self control for fear she might finally drown.

Although her mind kept trying to convince her that she was not to blame for Stephen's anger and sense of betrayal, there was a part of her which believed that it was all of her own making. Because if she had been a better person. A stronger person. Then Stephen would have never felt so angry and agitated in the first place. And even though she knew how Stephen felt about Charlie, she had continued that friendship regardless. She had not really betrayed Stephen quite the way he believed. Not really.

As she contemplated that thought a heat rose through her body as though she was holding an important piece of information from herself. A darkness. A self-destructive moment. A hot summer's night full of her own wretchedness and a sense of betrayal. Perhaps it was that feeling which lay in the icy mists of her mind telling her all of this. All of this. Was all of her. It was a thought that made her feel so uneasy that she could not allow herself to linger upon it long enough to know if the thought was even her own.

Charlie had sent a few concerned messages. He had not seen the commotion a few moments from where Maya had suddenly left him. Yet he had felt his own unrest. After the fourth message, Maya could not bear the additional burden of his pleading tone and had responded that she could not meet with him anymore because it was not fair on Stephen. She did not tell him that Stephen had left her, or that he believed they were having an affair. She apologised for being a  burden and told Charlie she was a grown woman and he did not need to look after her anymore. 

A mixture of sadness and apathy befell Charlie when he received that final message. It confirmed his belief that he had somehow kept Maya from getting on with her life by always being there to comfort and console her. He wondered who had needed these moments most. He did not want her to apologise for being a burden. He had never wanted her to feel this way. It took him days to find the right words to respond. In the end, he simply wrote.

You were never a burden. I am the one who is sorry. You are right, you don't need me to look after you. You have always been able to look after yourself.

He stared at the message and tried to consider all the ways it could be perceived before he finally pressed the send button. He hoped it would absolve Maya of any guilt she felt. That it would show her that he believed she was strong. That he knew she could take care of herself. He meant it in a kind way.

It was just after 7pm on a Thursday evening when Maya heard her phone announce that she had received a message from Charlie. The last line seemed to stand out like a final declaration.

She heard her voice reply 'Good'. But she did not reply to his message.

Yes. She could look after herself. She did not need anybody.