400 Days After Fina

Day 427

400 Days After Fina
Chapter 11

The wind whipped at me as I wait for Fina at the seaside playground. A few seconds later the sky has turned dark and then Fina arrived, looking white as a ghost. The rain started to pour and I rush over to Fina to cover her and take her out of the rain. As we ran towards a nearby cottage, the ground beneath us crumbled and we both fall to the sea. I try to grab her but the waves separated us and I get pulled under the water.

I tried my hardest to swim towards Fina but it just felt like she was getting farther and farther away. Something grabbed my ankles and I get dragged down to the bottom of the sea. I tried to kick the tentacles but I can only look up to the disappearing light of the surface. I coughed as I drowned. I hold on to my throat and coughed again as I struggled and reached for the light. Suddenly, my hand caught a soft cloth and I realized I woke myself up from my nightmare.

I pull the blanket to cover myself and turn to the other side. I lay there in the darkness of my room, listening to my pounding heart calm down from my dream. I reached for my phone and checked the time.

4:02 AM

I can still catch a few more hours of sleep before I get ready for work.

Fina looked so white in my dream. Like a white lady, she's haunting me in the dead of the night. I wonder what she looked like during the funeral. Did they bury her with a white dress as I imagined or did they bury her in a gown? I really should have stayed until she was laid to rest. But then maybe I'll forever be haunted by the look of her dead body. After all, when we found out she was no longer breathing, she looked bloated.

I grit my teeth. I shouldn't be thinking about that. Fina wouldn't like it that I'm remembering her in that state. Instead, I should look back to the days when we were laughing. Like that time she went with us to Camarines Sur and I taught her how to kneeboard. She was so happy back then. Her laughter after crashing as soon as she hit the water. I cringe at the sudden pain in my chest.

We could have done so much together. I could have taken her to ride a roller coaster, or ride an airplane going somewhere she's never been to before. I could have taken her to other beaches, maybe Boracay or Palawan or Puerto Galera. Maybe I could have kissed her more. Hugged her more. Maybe even sex.

Ugh. I lie flat on my back and slapped my forehead.

Of all the things I could think of! But then again, it's been more than a year since I've had sex. After being so sexually active, a year of abstinence is a feat I never thought I'll be able to do.

"I can't even touch other women now," I mutter to myself, remembering Mitch's visit at the office a few days ago.

It's not that I didn't try to go back to my old life when I returned to Manila. For the first few days after Fina died, I tried to get myself drunk again but then alcohol was like poison on my tongue. I couldn't get myself to drink a whole glass of beer. Beer, for god's sake! I used to down a whole pint as if it were water! That was when I knew I couldn't drink anymore. Jaime was especially disappointed when I didn't bother to try to pick up girls again. He understood why I couldn't drink anymore but my refusal to continue our old debauchery was like a betrayal to him. Not only did he lose a wingman, but he also lost a great part of his best friend. Of course, I knew of his disappointment he just wouldn't tell that to me directly but I could read his actions well.

Would Fina be happy that I stopped drinking and having casual sex or would she rather see me return to my old life, unaffected by her death?

Then again, would I be happy if I returned to my old life? Or would I still feel as miserable as I am now?

I let out a sigh and turned around, disappointed when I noticed the first ray of sunlight now peeking through my curtain. Knowing that I won't get another minute of sleep, I decided to get up and get ready for work.

It was when the cold water first hit my face that I remembered I need to check on Angel. So I took a quick shower, brushed my teeth, and went back to my room.

After choosing my clothes, I pick up my phone to call Kate. After a few rings, she answered.

"Ma'am, good morning po!"

I smile, she's as cheerful as ever. "Good morning, nagising ba kita?"

"Ay, hindi, ma'am."

"Kumain na ba kayo?"

"Di pa, ma'am, pero lalabas na dapat ako para bumili ng pandesal."

"Wag ka na bumili. Papunta na ako jan. Magdadala akong breakfast."

"Seryoso, ma'am?"

"Oo, kaya mag-ayos ka na. Sabay na rin tayo papasok ng office pagkatapos kumain."

"Sige po, ma'am!"

"Sige na, I'll be there shortly."

"Okay, ma'am! Ingat po kayo."

I end the call and looked at myself in the mirror. I have definitely lost some muscle. I wonder what will I look like when I die?