400 Days After Fina

Day 474

400 Days After Fina by JellOfAllTrades
Chapter 22

The early morning breeze is cold and there's a faint smell of the salty sea just a few blocks from the house. I closed the door behind me and walked in the silence of the still sleeping town towards the eastern playground.

At four in the morning, there's no activity in the playground. The single lamp post in the middle is the only source of light for me as the moon is hidden away by the thick clouds overhead. I touched the rusting yellow post of the swing and proceeded to sit on the very end of the seawall, on the same spot that Fina and I would occupy for hours last year.

Surrounded by darkness, there's an eerie feeling of being the only person in the playground. If anyone would have a great idea to slash my neck from behind, I won't stand a chance, and yet, it's a chance I'm willing to take. Let them take my life and kick my corpse to the sea. Let the waters finally claim me. I bet I'll be happier with Fina at the bottom of the sea.

The small waves crashed on the wall underneath my feet. If anyone told me fifteen months ago that Mamita will accept me for who I am and will finally let me off the hook for the family business, I would have laughed at them. My time here with Fina feels like a lifetime ago. I'm a husk of the person I was before and I now feel responsible for the people she left behind. I never thought I would learn how to care for other people. From the children in the orphanage, her aging parents and her annoying best friend. Everything feels so different and yet, if I can, I'll trade all of my tomorrows for another day with her.

The eastern sky is starting to turn purple and I look up to watch the clouds float harmlessly in the heavens.

Are you up there, Fina? Or are you in the sea, swimming with the dolphins and enjoying Atlantis?

The tide is rising and the waves are crashing on the wall higher, so I pull my knees to my chest and I hug my legs. Because of the time we spent talking here on the sea wall, it's easy for me to picture Fina as a sea goddess.

As I watched the sky turn lighter and brighter, I can now hear the distant chatter of fishermen returning from their trip to the sea, there's the faraway shouting of "taho" and the honking of a kakanin vendor's horn. The sleepy town of Calauag is now waking up for another day without Fina Romulo.

"Good morning,"

I turn around to see who said that and saw Angel smiling down at me. Her hair is down and flowing freely in the sea breeze. Unlike Fina who preferred to wear white and light-colored clothes, Angel is wearing an obnoxious orange t-shirt and dark blue jeans.

"Kanina ka pa?" She asked, sitting down beside me.

"Yeah,"

"Okay ka lang?"

"Yeah,"

She didn't say anything else and we watched in silence as the sun finally rose from the eastern mountains. Children are now arriving at the playground and their screams of laughter sound both loud and somehow filtered like they're screaming at us through a loudspeaker.

"Alam mo, dati pag nagpupunta kami dito ni Fina, iba yung pagkwento niya sayo." Angel said, breaking our silence. "May mga araw na parang kilalang kilala ka niya tapos may mga araw din na pinaguusapan namin kung anong ginagawa mo sa Manila."

"Anong pinaguusapan niyo?"

"Palaging sinasabi ni Fina na nagbabasa ka siguro ng libro. Na baka marunong ka tumugtog ng piano tapos magaling ka kumanta."

I laughed at the imagined version Fina had of me. "I only read when I have to, I don't play the piano and I don't sing."

"Nung bumalik ka, nalungkot siya kasi ibang-iba ka sa inaakala niya. Pero di na rin siya nagtaka." Angel mused. "Ang tagal niyo kasing di nagkita."

"Yeah,"

Angel turned to face me. "Sinimulan niya yung diary niya nung elementary na kami. Nung akala niya di na kayo magkikita."

"Did she always wanted you to give it to me?"

Angel nodded. "Binibigay niya sa akin yung diary pag naoospital siya. Ibigay ko daw sayo pag umuwi ka ng Calauag. Binabawi niya rin naman agad pagkalabas niya ng ospital. Last year nung bumalik ka, sabi niya wag ko ibigay kaagad sayo kasi alam niyang babalik ka sa anniversary niya. Sabi niya bigyan daw kita ng chance na alalahanin yung bagong Fina bago mo malaman na matagal na kayong magkakilala."

I hid my face between my knees, feeling the tears starting to fall. I've always hated myself for forgetting her when we were younger. Things could have turned out differently if only I remembered her.

I felt Angel's hand on my back, caressing me. I lifted my head and looked at her. She gave me a sad smile. "Mahal ka niya. Pinasaya mo siya. Di mo kailangan magsisi."

"Sana sinabi niya sakin kaagad." I managed.

"Na ano?"

"Na mahal niya ako. Sana nasabi ko rin kaagad sa kanya na mahal ko siya."

Angel chuckled, amused by what I said. "Alam naman niyang mahal mo siya kahit never mo sinabi sa kanya."

I hid my face between my knees again. "Sana sinabi niya sa akin."

Angel didn't say anything in reply and the crashing of the waves, the squawking of the seabirds, and the laughs of the children in the playground easily filled the silence between us.

"Alam mo, hinihintay ko pa rin na ibigay mo sakin yung singsing," Angel said after a few minutes.

I lifted my head to glare at her and to wipe away my tears. "Ang sabi ni Fina ibigay ko lang to sa taong mamahalin ko. I don't love you."

Angel looked at me with somber eyes, almost afraid. She took a deep breath before she looked away and wiped away a tear that has escaped her eye. "Alam ko naman na hindi mo ako mahal."

"Then stop asking for the ring,"

"Nagbabakasakali lang naman ako." She muttered. "Baka lang naman magustuhan mo rin ako."

I felt like something got caught up in my throat. I couldn't say anything despite knowing where this is going.

Angel sniffed and wiped away more tears. "Alam ko naman na di ko kayang palitan si Fina. Wala naman akong balak na palitan siya. Pero sana kasi nakikita mo rin ako? Kasi ako yung kaharap mo pero kita ko sa mga mata mo na si Fina yung nakikita mo, si Fina yung hinahanap mo."

I helped her in Manila because I felt responsible for her. I only kept her close because she reminded me so much of Fina. If I knew that this would happen, I would never have stayed. I would have left her in her aunt's terrible house. She's better off with her aunt than to suffer the misery that is to be with the likes of me.

"May pag-asa ba ako sayo?"

I looked at her, seeing the pained face of Angel but wishing it was Fina I was talking to.

"Hindi ko alam."

Angel wiped away her tears, got up, and then left. I watched her walk away and somehow felt disappointed that she never looked back.

I turned to the sparkling sea and held my breath to focus on my pounding heart. I'm not sure which hurts me the most now; the pain of losing Fina or the pain of losing Angel.