Falling For You (bxb)

2. A Soulmate's Care

5.02.20

Antony's POV

I watched as everyone around me began going off and having fun with a heavy chest. I was supposed to feel good seeing my pack go back into good hands, but something was missing. Something critically important. Then again, that's how I feel all of the time...

I constantly have this sensation as if someone has pressed a thick blanket over both my nose and my mouth. Like I'm drowning in a pit of darkness that only one thing can bring me out of. The blackness swirls around me like a mist that won't lift, and sometimes I even lose sight of what I'm doing in the mist. I'm heavy as if my wolf's fur is clogged down with buckets of water because I'm trying to carry the weight of the world on my shoulders and mine alone. Heaven forbid I try to share the load with anyone else because it will just crush them and leave me alone again. Alone; what a funny word. It's all I've felt since the day I turned 17. The day my dad kicked me out of his pack for being in love with another man. I longed to go back in time and tell that stupid teenager to hold onto the boy beside him no matter what, but time travel hasn't been invented yet sadly. Maybe if someone had been around to tell me that I shouldn't shove people away just because I was hurting, I wouldn't be in this situation. Maybe the world wouldn't feel so cold and unwelcoming. Is this what happens when someone denies their mate instinct for too long? I think I'm starting to lose my mind.

"Papa!" my son, Alex, shouted suddenly. I looked up at the beautiful boy that I had raised-- well... half raised-- to find that he had probably been talking to me while I spaced out. He looked so much like his mother, and I had to say that that was my least favorite part about him. I loved that he had such an amazing personality even though I've treated him poorly. Once I realized that I couldn't live on pretending to love someone who wasn't my soulmate, I hadn't been the father I should have been. "As I was saying, what is your opinion on conjoining our pack with Marcus's coven. I know that you aren't really a huge part of the final decision, but I'm still not the best at this so I might need you to tell me if I'm doing something really stupid," Alex declared.

"No, I think it will be amazing to see a pack and a coven working together like you've planned," I voiced my opinion.

"You seem really distant, are you okay?" Alex asked me, concerned.

"I'm fine," I responded. How can I tell him that I'm thinking about Jackson without making it seem weird? I could hardly close my eyes without seeing his chocolate brown ones staring right back at me or look at my Alex's soulmate, or Jackson's son, without seeing him. It's starting to get physically painful to be without him, but I can't be near him either. He hurt my son, and even if that was something he did when unstable, I can't just sit here and forgive him all willy nilly like.

"No, no you're not. What are you thinking about? Don't even think about lying to me, I can tell when you are by looking into your eyes."

I sighed deeply. Sometimes having a son that's so similar to my personality is a really bad idea because he can tell exactly when something is wrong with me such as, in this moment, really longing for a soulmate's care. "I'm thinking about Jackson," I admitted while averting my gaze from Alex's. "It's just that my body doesn't like being so far away from him all the time."

"Papa..." Alex trailed off at the end of his word. "As much as you dislike him, you need to listen to your body and your wolf."

"He hurt you, Alex! I don't know if I can forgive him."

"Papa, you literally killed Ash. Cut Jackson a bit of a break."

"Oh... right... forgot about that."

Alex rolled his eyes at me before returning to whatever he had been doing. "Honestly, you're too lonely anyways. I think it will do you good to share your life with someone else for a change."

"What if he hurts me again, Alex? What if it's just a continual cycle of trying to trust him and getting pushed down?"

"Papa, remember when you left him behind because of your father, destroyed his coven, swore that you would hate his kind for the rest of your life, and attempted murder on his son? As much as I take your side in arguments, you aren't exactly a saint. Come to think of it, you actually killed him 12 years ago, too."

I exhaled slowly. Alex is right, but this isn't necessarily what I wanted him to be correct about. I guess we've both backstabbed each other a lot, haven't we.

"I don't know, Alex..."

My son snapped his book shut before walking around the desk that I used to occupy. "It took me a long time to realize exactly how much I needed Ash, Papa. Not only was he someone for me to love, but he was also something for me to lean on. I can't imagine living without him especially in moments of danger, so I honestly don't know how you've coped for this long without your soulmate. He balances me out when I get upset, and I do the same for him. No offense, but you could definitely use something like that."

"I don't know where the hell he is," I admitted quietly. Alex looked at me strangely with his inquisitive green eyes, and I realized just how stupid I sounded.

"So go look for him?"

Suddenly, the door slammed open to our left, and I saw a disheveled Allystar run in. It was still confusing to me that I have two sons, but I was trying my best to treat them both the same way. Alex looked up at him just before his brother crashed into him at full force. Alex's arms automatically rose up to give his twin brother a tight embrace while the boy cried into his chest.

Alex gave me a look that I took as a message to leave, so I walked out of the room. While I was moving down the corridor, I got to thinking. Maybe Jackson and I could come up with a peace if we really tried, but I had to find him before we could make up. I looked down at the black ring that I wore on my finger. This ring was Jackson's mother's... He was supposed to give it to his only true love, and he gave it to me when we were just seventeen years old. I had a feeling that he had forgotten it a long time ago, but I still wore it to this day. It gave me hope that I would see him again one day the way we used to, and now it was giving me a new idea. I need to go find him because I'll never know what our relationship would be like if I never try.