Right Here

Part 11: Madge In The Lab

Medical Director.

This was not expected nor wanted. We stay sitting in the conference room well after Brantley had left. Neither of us say anything, but we each know what the other is thinking. It's painful sitting here in the quiet. Never really knowing what to say about the matter at hand. Max still doesn't look at me. Why would he? I just stole his position. Granted, I didn't want it. Regardless of that though, I have it, and now this is going to be worse for me than ever before. Max stands up and pushes in his chair. I look at him as he gets up and head towards the door.

"Max, you have to believe I don't want this." I stand up and turn to look at him. He simply gaze at me for a few moments and shakes his head.

"Whether you wanted it or not... It's yours now. Let's face it, it could've been worse. I could've been fired, over something that should've happened in the first place. Do you know how ridiculous that is? To be fired or demoted over something that frankly you never expected to happen in the first place? Sure, over malpractice or inability to correctly heal someone. That I get, but this? For not even reprimanding someone for something they chose to do?! I didn't even stand a chance, Helen. I had less than 30 minutes to do anything. And now Karen Brantley has run me through that goddamn ringer for something that shouldn't have ever happened." The tone of his voice is raised an octave and the anger has pouring over his face. I know he blames me. So let's just get down to it then.

"I already told you this was my fault, Max. I don't need to be reminded. I know it shouldn't have happened! I know! The fact of the matter is, I can't do a damn thing about it now. If I had a time machine, I would go back in a heartbeat to change this. But I don't. I don't know what I'm going to do Max. I don't know how to be a medical director. This is not something that I ever wanted. I liked being Head of Oncology. I loved my routine. And one man has managed to fuck that up in a matter of what two weeks? All because I am inept and I am naïve and apparently I'm very easy. So I'm sorry Max- deeply, I am. I don't know what else I can say on the matter. I don't." My whole body aches. Why does this always happen to me? Why is it my fault all the time? Does God hate me? Or am I just this gullible and stupid? I guess I should let Max answer that. "I am really sorry. That will never make up for it. I don't have a way to make up for any of this. If you ever have a doubt in your mind about me, or needed a reason to not want to be with me – I guess this would be it. Because I've managed to uproot your entire life in a very short amount of time. So I guess this is it- isn't it? Because the way that you're looking at me right now, tells me that this is never going to work. That everything we discussed this morning, is never going to happen and I'm sorry for that."

I start to walk past him. I can feel his anger and eyes on me, but I can't even look at him. I ruined his life. I ruined his dream and his reputation. And there's no fixing that. There's no changing what just happened. He's a victim of circumstance and unfortunately that circumstance was only because I was around. I guess I should've left along time ago for any of this happened. Maybe then he'D have been happy.

He grabs my arm before I can leave out the door. I look up at him and his eyes slowly soften.

"Now hold on just a goddamn minute! I never said that I blamed you. I never said that I didn't want us to continue trying to be together. I am just so ticked off that Cassian walked away with nothing but a larger, while two of the best people in the ED are suspended. I don't care about my demotion, Helen. I really don't. I'm just pissed off that once more Karen Brantley and that damn Board of Directors has fucked up in their punishments. I'm just, huh, I'm just irritated with all of this. So don't think, please, don't think I don't care about you or want you. Because that is so far from the truth, Helen. So far." Pulling me close to his body, he presses his lips to mine and remind me just how much he wants me. I look up at him when we pull apart, and he seems calmer now. "On the upside, I believe that you are going to be a very good medical director. And...because you're my boss now...that makes you...10 times hotter than you already are."