Don't Write Me Off

10. jasper - i hate to see your heart break

"We really have to stop this," I roll over to catch my breath, staring at the ceiling instead of Blanche. She sighs next me, "Do you really want to?"

I shake my head, laughing at how ridiculous I'm being. Doing all this, still, like I didn't just hear quite an earful about it from Erika yesterday. Blanche moves to stand up and I feel her side of the bed feel lighter when she puts on her shirt before heading to my kitchen to get water. I have no excuse for my actions right now, but like I told Erika, maybe I just have to figure this out on my own. When I met Blanche I was looking for an honest to goodness relationship: it was about six months ago, when I had gotten into my head that maybe I needed to move on from Corinne, that I could. It was going well until she called and I got sidetracked, and I told Blanche that maybe we could cool it for a bit because I don't want anything serious, yet.

I was stringing her along and I knew it. Turns out Corinne just heard about Blanche and wanted to know I was really over us, the decade in the making, but of course: I wasn't, really. I seriously thought we were on the road to getting back together but she told me since it's her last year in college she wants to make the most out of it first before she could imagine herself with me again, so I left empty-handed. By the time Blanche and I saw each other again in a class we shared last semester, I only wanted something casual. She agreed, but got aggressively needy. I wasn't in the headspace to have the talk so I kind of just disappeared: stopped taking her calls, pretended to not be home, and didn't answer her texts. Again, not my proudest moment. Especially since I didn't reach out even after she left the angry message upon seeing me walking with another girl I just met while applying for the org I was interested in.

Honestly at this point I don't blame society for the slander on most men. I'm not the biggest asshole in the world but I'm not exactly immune to being one from time to time. For some reason, Blanche didn't reject me when I reached out recently. I'm not chalking it up to how good the sex must be or how she's not thinking straight, but maybe sometimes people just do what makes them feel good. Maybe we're just two people who need a break.

"You wanna go again?" Blanche asks, I look as she removes her shirt and swiftly comes back to my bed, climbing on top of me, and moving the blanket out of the way. I nod, pulling her face down to my lips. I sit up and lean against my headboard, narrowing the space between us. This startles her but she doesn't let it ruin the momentum of it all and instead giggles into my mouth. I feel myself getting ready to go again with the way she's grinding against me, the ringing bells in my head like an alarm already being set to snooze. I try to drown them out by willing myself to focus on the beautiful girl kissing me but I feel it getting louder until I realize that my phone is actually ringing on the bedside table.

I break away from the kiss, Blanche makes an annoyed face at me and I normally wouldn't bother to check my phone but maybe I subconsciously wanted to stop out of guilt. I look at the screen and the name Erika (Math 11) flashes brightly, illuminating the already darkening glow of my room. I lightly picked up Blanche so she could move over a bit from her position on top of me onto the side of the bed and I answered, "Erika?"

"Are you home? I'm claiming the IOU. Can I come over right now?"

I sit up, my feet hanging off the side of the bed, "What? Are you alright?"

She breathes, "I'm--"

Blanche, of course, chooses this moment to rest her chin on my shoulder, wanting me to stop talking on the phone, "Who are you talking to?"

"Hold on," I mumble, standing up and walking towards the balcony so Erika doesn't notice I have someone over, "What happened?"

I hear her sniff, "I'm so sorry, Jasper, t-this sounds like a bad time."