Don't Write Me Off

16. jasper - if you cut deep then i might learn

Sunday, things went downhill the moment I found out.

For starters, when Ralph came over that night I knew something else was wrong. As if the news he told me over the phone didn't shock me enough. Judging from the look on his face, I instantly knew it wouldn't be a silent night of drinking, like I'd hope it would be. He wouldn't tell me until I was holding my second glass of Skyy Vodka, chasing it down with sips of Sprite on ice. Knowing he wouldn't have a choice, he finally showed me the photo of Corinne and some guy named Austin on her Instagram page, and the "ily" bit in the caption made me feel like my chest was collapsing. I wanted to cry as hard as I could, or at least throw things around, but I know I wasn't built to be like that. I suffer in silence: resorting to coping mechanisms that don't require me to say much. I act on the pain in ways that seemed to repress it despite it not being healthy, based on all the research I did on Erika's anxiety. With Ralph we could easily drink ourselves numb while playing video games or hit the bars around midnight, not acknowledging the elephant in the room until I momentarily forget it ever existed. That's what worked for me all these years, and I'm in no position to question what works. For this gnawing pain in my chest, I plan to kill it with alcohol, meaningless sex, and sleeping to pass the days.

I downed the rest of the vodka, feeling the ice cubes press against my lips. I breathe deeply before refilling my glass, topping off Ralph's even when it's barely halfway gone. I turned on my PS4, handing a controller to Ralph so we could start on Red Dead Redemption II. I grabbed a handful of Ruffles, drinking another glass immediately when Ralph suddenly said, "Bro, do you want to talk about it?"

I shook my head, burning through the first bottle quickly in an hour.

---

Monday night, I invited Blanche over after drinking out with high school friends I could invite last minute, sans Gab who's probably with Erika. For the first time, I was relieved they were nowhere to be found. I felt embarrassed. My eyesight was blurry even when my eyeglasses were on, my body lethargic and feeling both light and heavy which is a different experience. Still, I moved through the motions in bed. Goosebumps covered my skin as sweat dripped off it, and the sight of Blanche writhing under me and our muffled moans made my mind momentarily blank so I could focus on the task before me. I pulled her close to me after we finished and she came back from the bathroom, grateful for the heat of another person against my body. I took off my eyeglasses so I could begin to drift to sleep, completely forgetting that Blanche and I operated in a scarily almost robotic arrangement that rarely gave room for affection since our reconciliation. She turned to face me, wiping the sweat off my forehead using her palms. I opened my eyes, not finding the words to let her go because I actually was enjoying the company. Misery loves it, after all. She started moving her arm to grab the bra she was wearing at least an hour ago, and when she began to sit up and wear it back, I held her left hand to stop her. She only laughed before pulling away, "Hey, can we be honest with each other real quick?"

"Yeah, sure," I sat against my headboard, "what's up?"

She continued dressing up, I told her she could stay the night: another rare offer I probably normally wouldn't say if we were doing it for fun on a regular day. This time I knew I wanted comfort without saying it out loud, desperate for attention. When she got her shirt and underwear back on, she sat back down to give me a peck on the lips.

"I think we should stop whatever this is," she said as if the kiss was planted there to soften the blow. I was dumbfounded, "What?"

She shrugged, "I mean, it was fun and all, but I kind of want something serious now and you've made it clear you're not into that shit. Don't get me wrong, you're obviously hot and know what you're doing, but I'm over it. So, no hard feelings?"