Don't Write Me Off

21. erika - time will be frozen for us

I haven't spoken to Jasper in almost two weeks, and due to my attempts of possibly forming a relationship with Gab again, I've also refrained from talking too much to Paula in case I give anything away. I think three hours every day suffices, that way I wasn't too tempted to consult my actions with her if she already took up at least two of them. Whenever she asked about Jasper, I ever so subtly changed the topic or offered nondescript responses. Every time Jasper messaged me to do a vibe check, ask me out to eat or see a movie, or give me random updates on his day, I wanted to reply. However, I knew well enough that if I did, it would be a wormhole into our own universe where we'd talk too much like nothing else existed. I wouldn't be able to focus on my goal with Gab, or him, in general. This doesn't seem like me and I know this, so to cancel the weird behavior out, I busy myself with writing essays for my thesis, a no-fuss explanation of my sudden absence to my friends.

The truth of it all is that I really just need to decide on my own because I realize that I've been too dependent following the incident, even when it is already nearing its first anniversary. I know people worry about me, but if I follow the bits and pieces I've learned from cognitive behavioral therapy, I have to make steps to help myself develop healthy patterns by grounding and making my own decisions. The being avoidant part, though, negates this. I've only come to see Dr. Alvaro once throughout this ordeal and I can tell she doesn't think I'm my usual self even without saying it straight up. I long for the day I can finally go without therapy. If I'm not being driven by hyperactivity (i.e. reading five books and cleaning my room five times in a week), I'm back to my shit sleeping pattern.

Friday afternoon, I was woken up by Gab accidentally, after I had fallen asleep on his arm while we watched a movie in his bed; something we randomly picked from Netflix: Set It Up. I knew he chose this to appease my taste for romantic comedies even when he'd rather watch something else, but even a cheesy one couldn't get me off my bad sleep schedule. Being horizontal did not help, either. I snuggled closer to him, he kissed my forehead and asked, "You okay? You've been so tired lately."

"Yes. I think I've been spending too much time on my laptop, though," I kept my eyes closed but I heard him turn off the movie, going to Spotify to play songs on low volume. He sighed, resting his chin on my head, "Can't you stay here for the night?"

I opened my eyes, "I-I just feel weird lying to my parents about being here. Besides, I came over for breakfast and lunch, right? We can survive the night apart."

Gab snorted, "Why? You did it often before."

I thought about how with Jasper, he didn't have to ask me to, because most of the time I did things on my own volition. He doesn't pressure me or tolerate me lying around my parents too much, even if it benefits him. I don't tell Gab this, or the fact that my parents' marriage was crumbling apart then so it really was easier for me to stay out of the house even when I had to lie to them about it, because he should've already known. I wasn't up for a history lesson.

Instead, I propped myself up on my elbows and kissed him on the lips to end the discussion. He responded eagerly, possibly because it's a rarity for me to initiate something of this nature. We continued kissing, he felt around for the remote and came up for air quickly to point it at the wide glass sliding door to the balcony on one side of his room, activating the automatic curtains to close. The room was immediately darker than it was. My skin felt warm as we sped up, hands everywhere with him pinning me down on my back. I couldn't hear myself think because of my chest pounding too loudly, and for a minute or so I felt the heat convince me that I wanted this. Eventually when things started escalating too much, I had to stop Gab before we could go further. He caught up with his breathing, "Why, what's wrong?"

I sighed, sitting up and zipping my fly close, "I don't think we can do this."

"Oh. Okay, yeah. Are you alright? A-Are you on your period?"