Don't Write Me Off

15. erika - think so much of you, i can't overthink

"I'm afraid," I say shakily, knowing this is me admitting it for the first time, "that maybe after everything he put me through, my--my love, or whatever it is I feel for him, would come back and absolve him even when the work on his part is surface level and I suffered more. Should that matter? I feel weird where we are."

Dr. Alvaro nods at me, writing something down on her notes, "Have you had panic attacks since he became a part of your life again? How are you managing?"

"I've had a few," I admit, "I still feel myself shaking sometimes or wanting to throw up. I also disassociate a lot from my surroundings. Is this normal? I mean, I know people have it worse, their triggers are heavy. I feel like, what if I'm overreacting? What if it wasn't that bad?"

Dr. Alvaro sighs, putting her clipboard down on her lap before looking at me straight, "Whatever you are feeling is valid. You do know this, Erika. This is your anxiety speaking to you, making you feel insignificant when this is your story to tell. People have it different because no one has the same experience, no matter how similar they may seem. If you react negatively to someone or something, then it matters to you."

"I want to be angry at him, I really do, but deep inside I know I did my own share of fuck ups and it's unfair for me to pin all the blame on him. It was a matter of circumstance: he left me during a difficult time, used me as his emotional punching bag with no remorse. He wasn't the main cause of the downward spiral, but sometimes when I defend him I feel that I may be just making up excuses for his sake." I explain.

"I'll let you think about it. What do you really want, Erika? What matters more to you: holding onto your anger or healing from the experience? The meds do help, the cognitive behavioral therapy and our own counseling sessions, too, but ultimately you have to lead yourself to the path you choose to take. I'm just here to help you untangle the obstacles in your mind."

I look down at my hands. Staying angry atGab for the past few months was good for my ego: the vindication it brings, the assurance that my feelings hold weight. Being friends with him now or worse, getting back together, will intervene with it: open me up to both old and new wounds. I cling to his familiarity: the small part of me that believes we could make it. On the other hand, if I find it in me to move forward, I might panic on my way to navigating a new reality. I don't know which choice is better yet, but I trust that I will, soon enough.

---

It's the last day of classes before a little week-long break to honor All Souls Day, and Paula has something planned for the both of us: Shiatsu massage sessions at Essentia, a spa we both really love in Manila. I laugh when she shows me the two gift certificates, "Is this really for me or is Dan just too busy with his plates to come with you?"

Paula groans, "I mean, I'm giving the other one to you, aren't I?"

"I don't know," I shrug teasingly, "I don't want to deal with a jealous boyfriend."

My phone vibrates. I pull it out to see a text message from Gab.

3:09 PM

Fr: Gab Rallos (New)

Can I pick you up? I have a surprise for you.

To: Gab Rallos (New)

I don't know, can you?

I smile slightly at my sarcasm. He responds almost immediately.

Fr: Gab Rallos (New)

Haha okay, writing genius. Seriously though, I'm about to leave.

"Uh-oh," Paula clearly sees my sudden phone fixation, "please tell me that's Jasper. You're smiling, and that's good, but also I want to know: for whom?"