What we have once enjoyed deeply we can never lose. All that we love deeply becomes part of us.
♠️
They say that the biggest sorrow a mother could feel is when her child dies before her.
It bleeds.
It burns.
I grip on Jungkooks shirt as i cry myself out. Kneeling beside my sons grave in the cemetery never occurred in my entire existence. But here i am, tracing every curved of Jeonsans name on the memorial plaque. Each letters i crave brings so much emptiness and sorrow in my heart.
Jungkook who's been nothing but the best support that i had for the past days was here embracing me tightly. It took a week before i was discharge in the hospital and before going back home Jungkook and I stop over to see our babys grave.
"B-baby, im sorry i failed you. Just know that mommy will never forget you Joensan. You will always ALWAYS be in my heart. I will wait the day that we would see each other in heaven love. P-please look out for mommy and daddy okay?" stuttering from sobbing, i manage to say. Funny how life can be so beautiful yet so cruel at the same time. Jeonsan was like a sunshine for me and Jungkook. He was the best gift we had yet he was gone too soon. My heart was breaking into pieces like i couldn't function anymore when i felt two strong arms locked me inside.
Jungkook was silent all this time and i know for sure that if it hurts a thousand pieces in my heart he as well felt it too. He holds my hand firmly as he put the flowers that his been gripping for a while. He specifically bought it early this morning. "J-joensan, my b-baby." he closed his eyes tight unable to say those words his been trying to say since they put him in the grave 2months ago. He was so hurt that he can't look on it properly. I tried to squeeze his hand for courage which he returned as well. We were both trying to give each others strength to keep up. "I-i love you. I'm sorry if dada wasn't there on time t-to save you. It breaks my heart letting you go because i know to myself i wouldn't be able to do so. Your mom and you are the best things that happened in my life and even though y-you're g-gone, this will never be a goodbye my son. Never. "
Between grief and sorrow, me and Jungkook embrace each other for quite some time. Trying to accept everything was never easy but we as humans have to keep going. Reality sucks but these obstacles are part of our lives that we have to overcome.
After a brief moment, we stood and went back to the car. The travel was silent, both hearts are broken. We both are still crying silently. Lost on thoughts, i wasn't aware that Jungkook stopped on a different house. This time its a bungalow house.
Confused , i turned to face him and ask softly. "Why are we here?"
He held my hand and turned over. "This is our house babe. I've been saving this for a long time and we were suppose to transfer before you gave birth. I-i want nothing but the best for you and Jeonsan. Honestly, the day of the accident, i was suppose to surprise you in the afternoon. If only i-" he broke down as he clutch the steering wheel and my hand." If only i made us transfer before the accident, i could have save him... " he said, i wrap him immediately in my embrace us emotions flooded in my heart.
" No babe, don't say that. I blame myself too for leaving the house and buying flowers when i could have stayed at home. But we both talked about this right? Let's not blame each other. Jeonsan was never for us Jungkook." we were both shaking as we looked at each other crying..
"He was meant to be our angel."
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Flying back to Australia was the best decision Jungkook and I made. Away from judgements, from people, social media and mostly everything.
We were the talk of the town, nope, scratch it. The whole world is talking about us. ARMYS and BLINKS all over the world even people who aren't interested in kpop talks about our unfortunate life. Trending in different social media outlets, reporters buzzing around wherever we go, it's chaos.
And what we hated the most are people who would say sorry and would talk about our loss. Do you also hate when you're grieving then people would tell you they're sorry about what happened? It's like its their fault, or they're trying to empathize on your loss when all you want is to let it go for once. Because the more sorry you get, the more it hurts.
After a month in our new house, we were never the same. It seems like we were both lost puppies who's life doesn't have any sole purpose in this earth.
But thankfully, we have each other. We seemed to grow apart each day trying to solve our inner problems that we neglect that we still have each other to go on with life. So we decided to let our selves be healed from the wound that would probably take long to be fixed. But we have hope, and we're going to cling into it.
Softly, i brush the hair on Jungkooks face. Looking at his face, gone where the cheerful smile and the glowing skin. It seems like we've both gotten older because of the tragedy.
Caressing his face gently, he seems to feel it coz he flinch a little and slowly opened his eyes. He gave me a small smile as he holds my hand that is still on his face. He mouthed 'i love you' as he looks at my eyes and i did the same.
The journey may be tough and i know for sure that theres a lot more but as long as i have him, and he have me, we will both going to make it.
