𝙇𝙊𝙑𝙀 𝙄𝙎 𝙇𝙊𝙑𝙀

𝙬𝙝𝙚𝙣 𝙞 𝙠𝙣𝙚𝙬

I never really new what being gay meant until about third grade, it was around the same time I started going through puberty. I hated wearing the training bras.

I never really had a boyfriend at that time, of course not many girls did, so I never thought my sexuality would be something serious. I didn't even know my sexuality yet.

There was a girl in my grade, we were close. She was my best friend at that school. She had short black hair, and I'm pretty sure she was hispanic.

We used to play together at recess, we were each other's only friend.

I remember swinging with her on the swings and just staring at her. I thought she was pretty. I liked her hair, her glasses, her laugh, everything about her. I never told her those things, she never hinted at feeling the same way either.

I would get excited whenever it was time to line up and she stood by me, whenever it was time to go outside and she ran over to me and dragged me to the playground.

I was a closed off kid, it was hard for me to socialize with the other girls and boys at that school. I never spoke much. And then one day the teacher introduced her to the class, I watched her as she walked to her desk.

I don't know why she chose to be my friend. Maybe she was like me, or maybe she felt bad for me, or maybe she just decided "that girl, I'm gonna be friends with that girl." Whatever it was, I'm grateful for it.

At the time I wasn't aware that I had developed a crush on her. I just thought it was simple admiration. I thought girls thinking other girls were really pretty was normal, so I never thought much about it.

One night, I was at my grandmother's house and I was on the computer watching YouTube videos. I don't remember exactly how I came across it, but I came across an LGBTQ short film.

I know what you're thinking, "isn't that how every gay person realizes they're gay?" Probably, but not for everyone. As I watched it I didn't know what it was about it, but I really liked it.

I went to school the next day thinking about it.

When I saw her at recess I started looking at her differently. I still thought she was pretty, I still got excited to see her and to be around her. But something was different. It felt different.

I wanted to kiss her.

I didn't know how to kiss, I didn't know exactly how it worked. Just the basics of it.

I also knew that I couldn't kiss her.

The rest of the year went by and I still thought she was pretty, I still got excited to be around her, and I still wanted to kiss her.

When school was over, I was sad. She didn't have a phone or anything, so I wouldn't have been able to talk to her over the summer.

We said goodbye on the last day of school. I remember waving to her as I sat in the backseat of the car that was driving away.

Half way through the summer my mom told me that I was going to start a new school for fourth grade. I was happy, and excited, but then I got sad.

I wouldn't see her again. She would never know where I went.

I'm now seventeen.

I was eight years old when I met her.

I was thirteen when I realized that I had a crush on her, I'm not saying I was madly in love with her or anything. But I couldn't deny that I was attracted to her.

I haven't seen her since, I haven't heard anything of her or from her, I haven't found any of her social media's despite relentless digging.

I wonder how she's doing, if she ever felt the same, if she turned out how I did or if she turned out completely different.

Nine years later and I still want to kiss girls.