𝙇𝙊𝙑𝙀 𝙄𝙎 𝙇𝙊𝙑𝙀

𝙨𝙚𝙘𝙤𝙣𝙙 𝙗𝙤𝙮𝙛𝙧𝙞𝙚𝙣𝙙

I got my second boyfriend my freshman year of high school.

We were friends at first, we knew each other well, he turned into my best friend. Then we started dating.

I feel like that's where it all turned to shit, I feel like if I wouldn't have dated him maybe things wouldn't be as confusing as they were when we broke up.

Me and him hung out, we kissed, we had an actual relationship. We were together for five months.

We never had sex.

I told him I loved him, at the time I felt I meant it. I enjoyed being around him, I enjoyed the time we spent together.

But it didn't feel fulfilling. It felt like I was missing something.

So I decided to try sexting him.

When he sent me a picture of him I didn't really like it. I knew what a penis looked like, so I figured seeing a real one was something I was just going to have to get used to. Plus, I felt I had no right to think hurtful thoughts about someone else's body when I didn't want someone thinking hurtful thoughts about mine.

He told me my pictures were pretty, and that he liked them. That made me feel good, that someone thought I was pretty.

We did it a few more times, but it never escalated from that.

One time, I overheard him talking bad about one of my friends and I broke up with him for it. When I think about that now I feel like I was just waiting for something to happen so I would have a reasonable excuse to break up with him.

I was single after that obviously, I was single for about a year. I had a few guys that I almost got close with, but I decided not to. I didn't want to feel trapped again.

I regret being with him, but not meeting him.

I feel like an awful person for feeling the way I did when I was with him, looking back on it I feel like I used him.

We're friends now. So I suppose he doesn't have any hard feelings about it. Plus it was almost four years ago, so if he still was holding a grudge I hope he'd tell me.

I hope he finds someone that doesn't feel how I did, someone who's 100% sure about their feelings for him. Someone who doesn't feel like they're missing something when they're with him. He absolutely deserves that.

But after all of that, my mind was still on girls.