𝙇𝙊𝙑𝙀 𝙄𝙎 𝙇𝙊𝙑𝙀

𝙖𝙣𝙜𝙚𝙡 𝙖𝙨 𝙖𝙣 𝙖𝙣𝙜𝙚𝙡

It's kind of weird for me to be writing about her since she's going to read it later.

I honestly don't even know if I want to post this, I'll probably regret it later, but for the books sake and my sake of letting all of this off of my chest I'm going to post it.

So if you're not her, you can skip this small part in bold and go straight to the chapter, unless you don't want to.

☟︎

𝙇𝙚𝙩𝙩𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙧𝙚𝙖𝙙 𝙩𝙝𝙞𝙨 𝙞𝙨 𝙙𝙞𝙛𝙛𝙞𝙘𝙪𝙡𝙩 𝙛𝙤𝙧 𝙢𝙚. 𝙄 𝙖𝙢 𝙡𝙚𝙩𝙩𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙨𝙚𝙚 𝙢𝙚 𝙖𝙨 𝙫𝙪𝙡𝙣𝙚𝙧𝙖𝙗𝙡𝙚, 𝙨𝙤𝙢𝙚𝙩𝙝𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙄 𝙣𝙚𝙫𝙚𝙧 𝙙𝙤 𝙖𝙣𝙮𝙢𝙤𝙧𝙚. At this time in my life, s𝙚𝙚𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙢𝙚 𝙖𝙨 𝙫𝙪𝙡𝙣𝙚𝙧𝙖𝙡𝙗𝙡𝙚 𝙞𝙨 𝙚𝙦𝙪𝙖𝙡 𝙩𝙤 𝙢𝙚 𝙗𝙚𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙞𝙣𝙩𝙞𝙢𝙖𝙩𝙚 𝙬𝙞𝙩𝙝 𝙮𝙤𝙪, 𝙨𝙤 𝙞𝙛 𝙩𝙝𝙖𝙩'𝙨 𝙨𝙤𝙢𝙚𝙩𝙝𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙙𝙤𝙣'𝙩 𝙬𝙖𝙣𝙩 𝙤𝙧 𝙨𝙤𝙢𝙚𝙩𝙝𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙙𝙤𝙣'𝙩 𝙬𝙖𝙣𝙩 𝙩𝙤 𝙘𝙖𝙧𝙧𝙮 𝙖𝙧𝙤𝙪𝙣𝙙 𝙬𝙞𝙩𝙝 𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙩𝙝𝙚𝙣 𝙄 𝙨𝙪𝙜𝙜𝙚𝙨𝙩 𝙩𝙝𝙖𝙩 𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙨𝙠𝙞𝙥 𝙩𝙝𝙞𝙨 𝙥𝙖𝙧𝙩 𝙤𝙛 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙗𝙤𝙤𝙠. 𝙄𝙛 𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙘𝙤𝙣𝙩𝙞𝙣𝙪𝙚 𝙧𝙚𝙖𝙙𝙞𝙣𝙜, 𝙙𝙤𝙣'𝙩 𝙗𝙡𝙖𝙢𝙚 𝙞𝙩 𝙤𝙣 𝙢𝙚. 𝙄 𝙬𝙖𝙧𝙣𝙚𝙙 𝙮𝙤𝙪.

☟︎

I am 100% certain I was supposed to meet her when I did.

She didn't know it, but I was in pieces when we became friends.

I was nearing my final breaking point, where if one thing went wrong that was it.

And I hate saying this because it seems like I'm putting so much pressure on her, but that's how it was. Not how it is.

She became a big part of my life, regardless of what I was to hers.

She was an inspiration for me to better myself.

I wanted to better myself for her, because she deserved someone like that.

She had been through so much, and she is still kind to everyone. I wouldn't be surprised if she had unknowingly saved a couple of other lives as well. When I say she was my angel, I mean that with all literacy.

She wasn't perfect, nobody is, but she was beautifully imperfect.

I fell for her. And I fell hard.

Anytime she got excited, I got excited. Anytime she was happy, I was happy. Anytime she was sad, I was angry at whatever made her sad.

And when she gave me a chance I was honestly shocked beyond measures. Because I was so mean to her, for absolutely no reason at all. But she still gave me a chance.

She's beautiful, she's got a heart of gold, she's not Godly pure, but she's heartfully pure you know?

She's not exactly smart. She's a bit of an airhead, but I enjoyed when she struggled to answer a question in class. No sadist shit, but watching her think was something I liked to do. Her eyebrows would draw together and it would almost look like she was frowning, but she was just thinking as hard as her tiny senior brain could think.

She never gave up until she figured it out, even if she had to cheat or beg me for the answer.

She always asked for my markers. I would always say no a couple times, but eventually give them to her anyways. I could never say no to her.

She would write me little notes, and I kept them locked away somewhere. I forgot where, but that's not important.

I found myself excited to go to school, just so I could see her. And I hated school.

She was always herself, she didn't care what anyone thought about her, and if she did she always says she doesn't.

She is definitely one of a kind.

I wound up crushing on her big time.

Seeing her everyday, texting her everyday, hanging out with her every other day, it became something I looked forward to.

She made me look forward to seeing her again, which made me look forward to waking up one more day.

I sounded like a hopeless romantic.

She deserved a lot more than what I could have given her at that time.

She came into my life at the best and the worst time.

I was still scared to be with someone, I was scared of all the feelings I had for her.

I would catch myself thinking about her during the day, what it would feel like to tell people she was my girlfriend. What it would feel like to go to prom with her. What it would feel like to fall asleep next to her.

She made me not care what anyone else thought either, that if people still loved me for who I am, why should the ones who don't even matter?

It's probably creepy how much I thought about her, but she just had that effect on me.

And I know she's probably reading this regardless of the warning because that's just how she is, so please don't think I'm creepy. I promise it's purely admiration.

I wanted to be like her.

I wanted to be good, like her.

She was what I needed to pull me out of the hole.

But just like I always do, I fucked everything up.

Twice.

And I know what you're thinking, she gave you two chances and you fucked up both of them?

Yes sir I did. And it's probably one of my biggest regrets, because people like her did not come around very often for me.

I wasn't ready for the emotions I felt for her, they terrified me. I was scared no matter how badly I wanted to be good for her, that it wasn't going to be enough to make me actually good for her.

I couldn't see it then, it had to take me completely losing every chance I got to see it, but I saw it.

The want would've been enough, it would've been enough for me to be good for her. 

But sometimes when you push and push and push people away, when you eventually stop pushing, it's too late.

It's not too late for us, she's not dead or anything, she just has a boyfriend now, and I'm beginning to work on myself.

You've helped me see that I needed to change. That I needed to grow up and start becoming better. Whether it was for you or for myself, I did it. And I'm getting a little bit better everyday. You didn't know it until now, but you gave me the push I needed to get myself back together.

I'm stronger now, I'm not as easily knocked down now. Things don't get me as discouraged anymore.

But I hope in the future, we'll cross paths again, and by then, maybe everything will work out how I wanted it to a few months ago.

Maybe then, I'll finally be able to allow myself to love again.

And if we don't cross paths again, if we stay how we are now, it's still just as good. You've taught me a lot. And whether I'll be loving you or loving someone else, I'll forever remember how you made me realize it's okay to love and it's okay to get hurt as long as you loved your hardest.

So here's to you, angel, and here's to me.

Your inspiration, and my growth.

And I know you want to say it, so I'll say it for you.

𝙎𝙞𝙢𝙥.