𝙇𝙊𝙑𝙀 𝙄𝙎 𝙇𝙊𝙑𝙀

𝙖𝙡𝙤𝙣𝙚

Once I had pushed everyone away, I was officially alone.

I couldn't hurt anyone anymore.

I enjoyed it for a while. I'd rather be alone than hurt anyone who got too close.

I was on different medications, none helped.

My parents were worried.

My friends were worried.

I hated that part, everybody would rather worry about me rather than see what I was doing, I was protecting them. I had convinced myself that by being alone I couldn't hurt anyone but me, and I deserved that.

She came back around.

Told me what I was doing wasn't good for me and that it wasn't going to help anyone, not even myself.

She pulled me out of my hole, and wouldn't let me crawl back in it no matter how many times I told her to go away. So naturally when you feel saved by someone, you start to feel like they were meant to come into your life.

I gave her another chance. I gave being with her another chance.

It was okay at first, I wasn't sure if I wasn't fully with her out of fear or out of hatred for myself.

Then rumors started going around of her cheating on me and I couldn't take it.

I couldn't take the thought of someone trying so hard to save me, just to turn around and hurt me all over again.

When I read the old text messages I saw how toxic and immature she was, how we both were, which probably had a lot to do with why I blamed myself for so much of it.

I relapsed again, and it was bad.

My parents sent me to an inpatient for a week. But I was still with her.

Or I at least thought we were with each other.

When I got back to school I found out that she had cheated on me again, and that she had gotten another girlfriend who lived in Tennessee.

She blamed my parents and thought they sent me to another school. 

Someone from my family threatened her, and told her if he ever saw her near me again he would hurt her.

I threatened him back.

No matter how much pain the relationship caused me I still loved her. I would never have actually let anyone hurt her, no matter how much she hurt me.

Things between the two of us weren't working out again. I begged for her to listen to me and to try and understand how she was making me feel, she wouldn't. 

So in April, I left her.

I felt like relapsing again, I felt like I had no right to decide she was bad for me when I was probably bad for her too.

I occasionally came to school high. I would take anything I could just to fall asleep at night, and just to survive the day.

But everything reminded me of her. She was out of my life, but I would've given anything to go a day without thinking about her.

I would've given anything to go a day without thinking.

I felt everything, but I felt nothing at the same time.

I was there, but I wasn't.

Everything was moving forward right in front of me and I was still sitting in one place.

Killing myself mentally, until all that was left was just an empty shell of a person.

I became nothing.