𝙇𝙊𝙑𝙀 𝙄𝙎 𝙇𝙊𝙑𝙀

𝙙𝙚𝙫𝙞𝙡 𝙖𝙨 𝙖𝙣 𝙖𝙣𝙜𝙚𝙡

May was when I started talking to him.

I had known him for a while, but he never really gave me attention until then, and vice versa.

He had a way with words, I'll say that much.

He did what the last him did. He made me forget, he made me feel better.

We started dating in the summer, he met my family, and they all loved him. Even my little sister who is terrified of almost every male.

She had good riddance.

He made me feel like nothing could hurt me anymore, he made me feel safe, and he made feel protected.

I told him everything, everything about her and everything about him. He didn't judge me, he didn't make fun of me, he just held me, and told me he would never let anything hurt me.

And for the longest time, I actually believed him.

Poor, stupid me.

It felt like we were cut from the same cloth, we had almost everything in common. We loved each other's family, we loved being with each other, we loved each other. Well, I loved him.

I still had those thoughts that poked at me, 'you don't love him, you just love that he's a distraction.'

They were right, but I ignored them, because the more in love with him I acted, the more everyone forgot about me being gay. 

And according to my family at the time, that was what was best for me.

I did nothing but laugh when I was with him.

I thought I had finally found someone that was good for me, someone that I was meant to find and to keep in my life. Not someone to find and let go.

I tried to be better while I was with him, I treated him differently. I treated him better than anyone I had ever treated, it took me almost 5 months to realize he didn't deserve how I treated him.

Sometimes I'm still not sure if he deserved it or not, because just like everyone else, something is hurting him to the point he hurts others.

I put him on a pedestal. I thought the world of him, and I gave him every piece of me I had to give because it felt that he was doing the same for me.

He would comfort me during anxiety attacks, listen to me when I needed to rant about things with my birth-mom or my dad, he was just always there.

He always listened.

I gave him everything I had, when I finally felt like I deserved to finally be happy, I let go of all that hurt. Of all the guilt and the self hatred, and I let myself trust him completely.

Big fucking mistake.

I soon realized the he and previous him were exactly the same.

Neither of them seemed to understand that it takes two to consent. 

I stayed up countless nights, begging any God that was listening to help me. I felt stranded with no direction. I didn't want to leave the one thing that lifted me, but staying meant that each time I was lifted I would only be knocked back down further. 

In the end it didn't matter what I chose, I was going to feel broken anyway.

Because of him, I'm scared I'll never be able to allow myself be touched by someone the same. That the next person I'm with, they'll never receive 100% from me.

I'm scared the next person I'm intimate with will be the next person to destroy me.

I'm scared the next person who loves me, will be the next person I destroy.

I don't want to hurt anymore. I don't want to be toxic for anyone because of how I hurt, I don't want to be someone people associate hurt with.

I can't hurt anymore people.

I can't let anymore people hurt me.

I can't be responsible for breaking another person, I won't be able to take it.

I'm convinced he was my karma for what I did to him and to her. That I deserved to feel how I did because that's how I made him and her  feel. And he probably was my karma, I probably did deserve it.

Every minute of every time.

I hope me and the universe are even now. I hope everything is right between us and that everything I knocked off balance is back to how it should be, because I don't think I can take another break like that.

But you want to know the best way to not get your heart broke?

Pretend you don't have one.