nebula || jungjaehyun

⇢ chaos ⇠

16

chaos

The intoxicating nicotine and smoke of a cigarette burn his lungs as he tries to convince himself that that day in the rain didn't tilt his axis. But the cigarette between his lips is proof that they've fallen out of orbit. 

Jaehyun tells himself that it's because his lips do not have hers that that's the only reason he's smoking now. If she were here in his arms, he would have no need for the allure of a deadly ash. 

But the metaphorical itch in his parietal lobe burns worse than his lungs. Clear evidence that the true reason he's smoking now is that he knows. He knows she's not in his arms right now because he'd diminished her to her celestial body. 

And he knows she's so much more. Fuck, he writes poetry about her smile as the collision of stars, and that she's an entire goddamn planet while he's a wandering sun begging for her gravity. And he knows he should tell her exactly that. 

Instead, he's drowning in nicotine and smoke and poetry and demises. 

⬳ ⟿

The smell of cigarettes clings to his skin and his bones. So when Ahn Na approaches him, her nose wrinkles. A small action that is cataclysmic. 

"Do you smoke?" she asks in lieu of greeting, voice tiny. 

His lungs and brain burn, even without a cigarette. "I've been trying to quit." 

"You never told me that." 

He knows better by now, but despite her minuscule frame, her nebulous aura pierces his heart. Icicles eat at his solar flames. 

I'm ashamed of it, he thinks but never says aloud. Even though he should. He knows he should. 

"In fact," says Ahn Na, hands hidden in her oversized sleeves, "you don't tell me anything. Not the deep stuff anyway. It's all . . . surface." 

A frown tugs at his nicotine-soaked mouth. I'm ashamed of all of it, he thinks but doesn't say out loud, even though he should. Good lord he should. 

She fidgets, struggling to look him in the eye while he struggles to stay above water. 

"I don't know, Jaehyun. It just makes me wonder how you really feel about me. Which is stupid, because you look at me like I collected the stars." And her night-sky eyes dazzle with gathering tears. "But when you asked me to come over the other day, it just -- it made me wonder. Maybe he only wants one thing from me." 

I want everything from you. I want nothing from you. 

You make nothing mean something. It means everything. 

He wills his voice to tell her, but he remains silent. And he drowns deeper. Beyond rescue. 

Maybe not even Ahn Na can save him. 

A sigh as heavy as gravity passes her lips. "Please say something. How do you really feel about me? About us?" 

His eyes close, and he wishes he could brink bleach -- cleanse his insides, melt his skeleton, rebuild, try again. 

"I don't know," Jaehyun lies. 

The truth is, he knows he wants her -- them -- but he does not deserve it. She's too good. His sun will never nurture her planet. He will only burn her. She needs to search a different galaxy. 

"Okay," she says, defeated. "Until you can be honest with me -- with yourself -- I don't think we should be together." 

"Okay." 

The tears slip down her cheeks, and even then, she's as beautiful as that day in the rain. "Bye, Jaehyun." 

And as she walks away, a planet leaving his orbit (she's the best thing to ever happen to him), he thinks, I'm in love with you. And he knows he should tell Kim Ahn Na. But he also knows that if they are chaos theory, then there can be only chaos. 

And they have destructed into nothing more than stardust. 

;; 

OUCHIES MY BABIES I'M CRYING--