nebula || jungjaehyun

⇢ scratch ⇠

18 

scratch

It isn't so bad. 

At first, it's easy: nicotine and sex cover up the fact that it's not easy. But when it fades, it becomes difficult. And painful. Like his skeleton is trying to extricate itself from his skin and his organs are ripping apart and his muscles are disintegrating. 

But when it's all said and done, all that remains are Jaehyun and that fucking itch. 

So he scratches. 

And he doesn't fear catastrophe, because it's already happened. So he scratches until he bleeds. And even then he continues to dig his fingernails into his brain, until his entire body is coated in blood. 

Then he scratches some more. 

⬳ ⟿

His mouth is dry and his lips are chapped. But at least he isn't smoking. Every Marlboro pack sits in a trash bin in an alley. And this time, he doesn't trade one addiction for another. He merely drops the cigarettes. 

He drops the sex with Eunjung too. She teases him about it, of course, but they slip seamlessly into friendship. The only benefits between them are the years of familiarity and comfortable banter. 

As the weeks carry on, by some miracle, Jaehyun feels okay. He has imploded into dust, and now he collects the wandering stars to create a new tapestry. 

He smiles more. But every time he realizes it's genuine, an ache clenches his chest. Because his sincere smiles take him back to the store, those many months ago. He hears her voice in his head: "You had trouble smiling." And the desire to show her that he doesn't struggle to smile anymore surges within him. 

Except he does struggle to smile sometimes. When he's alone on the Han River, beneath the sun that reminds him of her warmth -- or beneath the stars that remind him of her eyes -- beneath the night sky that reminds him of them -- if he smiles at all, they're fake. 

Somedays -- most days, if he's being honest -- he wants to go back to that convenience store. And if he runs into Kim Ahn Na there, he'll tell her she doesn't have to save him anymore. He saved himself.