Diamond Tears

Chapter 21

Addison

I sit in the courtroom, anxious nerves taking over, making me sweaty until I can no longer smell my deodorant. The boys sit on the left side, looking like this is a complete waste of time. Tris is at home with Reagan, because sadly, I had to be here. I can practically feel the walls caving in on me. I look until I single him out. Darren. He's wearing a black suit with a blue shirt, and he has his hair combed back to perfection. I hate him. I hate all of them, because they will always be the golden boys. They will always win at life, and all they have to do is flash a smile. O refuse to let them gat away with it. They will rot and allow them to get away with being the cause of my nightmares at life. They call me to the stand, and I walk with confidence (at least I hope I'm walking with confidence) and sit.

"Ms. Coleman. How are you today?" Their lawyer asks me. I catch my dad roll his eyes.

"I'm good, thanks."

"Can you tell me what happened on that night you were allegedly sexually assaulted?"

I sigh. "I was walking home-"

"From?"

"Work. And I was passing my neighbors house that was having a party. The boys saw me-"

"Which boys, to be exact?"

I list all of their names, and try to continue my story, but he asks me another question.

"And how are you sure that it was those six boys?"

I look at my dad, and he shakes his head and mouths 'patience.' "They were in a group," I answer. "And they are always together."

"And what happened after you passed the house?"

Finally. "I went inside my house. I was in the middle of a shower when the bathroom door opened. They were standing there, drunk and grinning." I can feel my breaths get heavier, and its like I'm in my old bathroom, clawing at the doors and screaming for help. "They raped and beat me."

"How did they beat you, Ms. Coleman?"

I look at dad again. He practically told me what to say, how to say it and how to handle my emotions. He nods slightly, which means I'm doing okay. I look at the lawyer. "They would...slam me into the walls, push me around, kick and hit me."

The lawyer, Mr. Toroad, considers this. "They beat you and raped you at the same time?"

I have never wanted to strangle someone so much in my life. I take a deep breath. "No. They would physically abuse me when I tried to escape."

"Escape?"

Yes, you idiot, escape, is what I want to say, but I don't. Instead, I take another breath. "Did you want me to stay?"

The judge chuckles, and Mr. Toroad continues with the unnecessary questions. "Did you, Ms. Coleman, have a close relationship with any of the boys?"

Hell no. "No, sir."

"Not even your brother?"

I would love to see the day that I would ever have a close relationship with Zachary. "No, sir, not at all."

"Ms. Coleman, most sexual assault victims would be more traumatized. Witnesses said you were normal after the attack. Any comment?"

I bite my tongue and dig my nails into my skin until I taste and feel blood. My dad puts his head in his hands, and Tris looks at the lawyer with a WTF expression. I feel like someone has a gun at my head. I cannot believe he just asked me something like that.

"Ms. Coleman?" The lawyer urges.

"Normal, huh? Are you sure they didn't day numb, Mr. Toroad, because that's how I felt. The only people who believed me we're the police, my aunt, and my grandmother. My mother didn't believe me, and she kicked me out of the house. My best friend since kindergarten wanted nothing to do with me. I spent two months in isolation, crying all the time. I couldn't eat, and sometimes it felt like I couldn't breathe. I still don't sleep at nights because I still have nightmares that haunt me. I have to lock my bedroom door eight times before I feel safe. On the first day of school, I got beat up by five girls in the washroom and found out that I was pregnant. I lost my grandmother, who was practically a mother to me. I had to go to school everyday and put up with the dirty looks from students and teachers, and I was tormented by having to read the hate messages on the bathroom walls. Do you even want me to get started on how many times I contemplated suicide? But I kept going, you know why,because that's what fighters do. Life isn't about how hard you get hit. Its about how hard you get hit and keep on going. And I kept going, despite what those boys did to me. Do you think I was 'normal' when I couldn't be in the same room as them? Do you think I was 'normal' when I had to think about the fact that I was pregnant and six boys could be the father? No, sir, I wasn't normal. I was broken, shattered and torn. I don't know what normal is, and I guess I never will. "

The courtroom is so quiet you can hear a pin drop. I look at the lawyer expecting another stupid question, but he just says, "Nothing further."

I'm waiting on the most slowest vending machine when Zachary stands beside me. He doesn't look at me, his focus on the vending machine. "I'm sorry, Addison. I was wrong, and I didn't do what was right. I'm sorry for everything. From childhood to now, I'm sorry. I hope one day, you can forgive me."

" I already forgave you, Zachary, " I tell him retrieving the chips. "But I will never forget the pain you and your douchebag friends caused me that night."

I turn and walk away, trying to get far away from him.

"Addison, wait," he calls, and I reluctantly stop walking and turn around.

"Yes?"

"Congratulations on Reagan. You're going to be a good mother." And with that, he turns and walks away, leaving me there to wonder if I'm starting to see things.

"Addie, what's the matter?" Devon asks, seeing my puzzled expression.

"He just apologized to me. For everything."

"Who?"

"Zachary."  

"He probably knows he doesn't stand a chance. Come on, let's go."

Dear Reagan,

They say to forgive. So I did. Sometimes I forget the whole thing. But the pain, the pain is always there, eating away, clawing at your insides, demanding to be felt. My advice to you my daughter, is to forgive. However, you never, ever, forget the pain, because the pain will never forget you.

                              =========

I'm cradling Reagan in my arms, trying to get her to sleep, when Tris opens the bedroom door.

"Hey Tris," I whisper.

"Addie, when Zachary came to you today, what did he say?"

I repeat the earlier conversation. "Why?"

"Sabra just called. Zachary committed suicide. He left a note, too. He said that even though he had your forgiveness, he couldn't forgive himself, and that he hopes that justice will be served."

"He's gone?"

Tris nods. "As Abraham Lincoln once said, its not the years in your life that count, its the life in your years."