So Gone (Ed Sheeran)

Pick up the pieces.

   An addiction was something that took over our minds and bodies. It was something we related everything we saw to. We basically lived off the simple thought of it.

   I wasn't addicted to her; I could hardly remember her face. Alcohol had washed it away, perhaps for the better. But I couldn't stop thinking about all that she made me feel. Happiness, lust, hilarity, but also sadness, emptiness and betrayal. I was addicted to these things she made me feel, to all of them. It was scary because I couldn't help thinking about how useless she made me feel, and still I didn't seem to blame her. She had turned me into a shadow of myself, a monster sometimes, and still, I could not move on.

   I was sat at home, the night beginning to take over the town, just watching the dried beer and blood on the wall. She had somehow forced me to do it. She had made me lose control. Once again, it was awful to see how badly she could damage me when she wasn't even here anymore, when I hadn't seen her in months. I had made decisions which had caused me to let her destroy me. How I sometimes wished I could go back in time. However, I wasn't sure I would do anything differently. I was that weak.

   My eyes wandered to the guitar on my couch. There was a time this instrument was the most important thing to me. And then she came and thought I played too loudly. She started picking up fights when I told her I needed to play. At some point, I decided that I loved her more than my music and that she was worth giving up the only constant I had ever had in my life. To this day, I still couldn't make up my mind about the truth of this statement. We'd had amazing moments together, and extremely bad ones too. After all, life was made of ups and downs.

   I felt a ball of rage building inside of me. I had done everything she wanted me to do and yet she left me without a second thought. The only reason she ever gave me for abandoning me was that she didn't love me. It felt like she had taken a knife, cut my chest open and slowly cut every vein and artery which supplied blood not only to my heart but through my entire body. And then, she had left me alone on the floor to die.

   Without thinking about it twice, I got up and took my guitar. The rage disappeared instantly as I couldn't think of something to do now that I had it in my hands. I knew my whole soul was represented in that instrument and I didn't know how to handle it. It felt like my own soul didn't belong to me anymore. It had been anchored to a music instrument because it had no other choice but to detach itself from me to survive. And now, it wasn't sure if it was safe to come back to me.

   I sat on the couch and breathed deeply a couple of times. Anxiety was growing when I moved my fingers on the neck of the guitar: Did I still know how to play? Could I find a way to prove I wanted to be myself again? When I picked the first string I realised that people changed  but never completely lost touch with who they used to be. And honestly, it had never feel more amazing to dive into the past.

***

   I was sitting at the counter again, waiting for Eric to come over. Something was different today. I was different. Or perhaps the same old self. I hadn't figured it out yet.

"Hi mate! What do you have here?" He smiled, pointing at the case next to me.

"Just something I thought I'd take with me for a while." I answered. "Can I have a beer, please?"

   Once I had drunk it, I thanked him and got out of the bar before asking for something else to drink. Changes took a long time to be effective and I knew certain weaknesses were stronger than newly found strengths.

   I wandered the streets, a cigarette in hand, looking for a place I was too intoxicated to remember well. As if luck was on my side, I heard the sound of guitar strings being strummed. I smiled to myself as my feet hurried to find the man from yesterday. I sat next to him and took my guitar out of its case. When I looked up to meet his eyes and make sure he was fine with me playing with him, I saw an encouraging grin upon his lips.