So Gone (Ed Sheeran)

When all is lost, just smile.

   We didn't always notice the difference between what we wanted and what we needed. I knew I could never truly decide what I wanted to feel and what I needed to feel. Love wasn't something necessary, I just made it out to be. I didn't need her, I wanted her because she had somehow been all that had kept me grounded for a few years and I was afraid to lose my balance in this world, even if I had long ago. I had lost myself trying to hold onto her.

    I knew it was all a call for help. My drinking habit, the music I played in pubs, the carefree attitude, as if nothing mattered. Hell, even the unreasonable amount of cigarettes was a cry for help. How could we help ourselves and get better when we didn't know who we were? The alcohol had washed memories of her away but, little by little, it had also taken away who I had become. And I had encouraged my own loss. How stupid did that sound?

   I thought Rose had seen the problem when she came over that day, but she hadn't. I couldn't leave this flat, it was a part of me I didn't want to let go, that I couldn't lose. Sure, it was hard living here, but it was the only thing that remained the same during the past year of my life, during the rough times I went through. And if I gave up on that, I wasn't sure I could ever find myself again.

   It was now 2am, I was sat on my bed, my guitar in between my hands. I couldn't afford to drink so much anymore. This couldn't be an escape since I had no job.

   Writing wasn't easy. I couldn't find the words to express myself, to tell all that I was feeling. It must have been one of the worst things not to be able to put words on what we were feeling because that meant we didn't know how to handle ourselves, we had no idea what the issue was and therefore we couldn't find a solution. We were stuck.

    I was stuck at the lowest I'd ever been. At least it seemed so. I felt in too deep and I wasn't sure how to catch my breath again. This had broken me, numbed me. Numb. Stun. Wait...

   I strummed a few chords on my guitar, not satisfied with the rhythm of the song. It could be much better, much catchy. It had to be.

   When I finally found what I wanted the song to sound like, I went back to the lyrics. My brain was filled with musical notions, with lyrics, strumming and picking patterns, chords... It felt great, relieving, almost. It chased out all the demons and bad thoughts I had inside my head. Even if if was just temporary and they'd come back, at least I could breathe a little again.

Exorcise these demons
But they keep talking to me.
I am no believer,
But I believe you will relieve me,
I believe you will relieve me,
And that's what's going on.

***

   I woke up the next morning, my back aching more than it had ever had in my life. That was all I got for falling asleep while doing something once again.

   I felt quite proud of myself though, for writing three songs that could be worth listening to last night, when I thought that I couldn't do anything in my life. After all, I might have been able to move on, and make something of myself without anybody's help. It was a pleasant idea.

   Smiling like an idiot, I made a cup of coffee and once I had drank it, I took a shower. I could be positive. I had the power to see the good side of everything, and that was something I should have done more often. I was aware that I'd said this a lot of times, but if I repeated it enough, it might have actually come true.

   I took my guitar and went outside, just playing, not hoping to get anything, but I was surprised in a good way when some people left a few pounds in my guitar case. I could get used to that, to living thanks to my music. Even if I could just get me a coffee from the money I had made in the last three hours. Well, I could only wish that my situation wasn't so hopeless.