So Gone (Ed Sheeran)

Go on and tear me apart.

   I was sat on a chair, tuning my guitar, a few people watching me as if I had grown horns. I supposed they didn't explicitly agree with me playing music while they talked to their friends, drank, and just relaxed after a long day of work, or school so I decided not to be too loud. I knew that people could complain, and I really didn't want to stop playing here, even if it only was my first time.

   I randomly strummed a few chords until Eric told me that I could start. I went to the corner with the microphone and stool, setting my loop pedal. Don't fuck this up.

"My name's Ed." I said quietly. Since nobody reacted, I didn't add anything. They didn't care, but it didn't bother me. All I wanted to do for now was prove myself that I could regain control over my own life and do something I enjoyed just because I wanted to.

   I had worked all night long on this song, rewriting the chorus at least five times before being sort of satisfied with it. I had thought twice about every single note of every single guitar part of that song, about every beat of it many times. I wanted it to be perfect, or at least, make myself believe that I could actually write songs that were worth listening to.

   I began to record the first guitar part and looped it, adding the second part. Nobody seemed to listen. I started to sing, but still no one was watching me. I didn't especially want attention, but it would've felt great to see that people somehow enjoyed what I was doing. I'd just have to take in how eased it made me feel.

"In shadow there lies hope
Cut tension with a knife
I find it hard to cope
Stop playing with my life
You analyze my fears
Analyze my dreams
Choke on burning tears
Through my silent screams...
...Things aren't what they seem."

   People went and left the pub. This invisibility made me feel weak. It reminded me of how I felt when she left me, when no one seemed to notice that something was suddenly wrong with me. I knew that if I thought too much about it I'd break down, thing I have never allowed myself to do. And as everyone knew, building things up only worked for so long before doing something bad -in my case, drink until I wouldn't be able to find my way home and ending up on a bench, wishing I had passed out a long time ago because the thoughts of how miserable I was would be too much to take.

   I then felt someone looking at me. It was the kind of glare you could feel the weight of and which could only mean that the person was trying to see right through you. I knew that if my eyes met ones that reflected hurt or sadness or even just sympathy, I wouldn't be able to take it. Weakness was always way worse when showed by someone else's eyes. Instead I focused on my music, on everything I was supposed to put into it without having the possibility to take back after the song ended.

   It was a true escape. I still couldn't believe how helpful music was. And the worst part was that I had let down the most powerful thing on earth for a girl. A girl, a human, someone that could change their mind in the snap of their fingers, and throw anything away without thinking about it twice.

   I couldn't let myself get angry again. So I kept on playing, breathing deeply every time I could.

"Watch me fall
As I stumble at your feet,
Always losing in this game.
Your lies cut me deep
And you don't even know my name,
With your consistency
To always make me crawl
And my durability
Not affected at all..."

   Did you sometimes wish you didn't regret so many things? I did. Regrets could tear you apart. I wished I had never met her a thousand times, I wished I hadn't cared so much about her. I wished I hadn't made the same mistakes four or five times. And all those things forced me to live in the past. It prevented me from moving on, and as much as I was aware of that, I still couldn't let it go. I couldn't stop thinking about how stupid I had been all along, even when I had no reason to be.