ForNever

Four

I feel like my lips are starting to get dry, so does my throat. My hands start to sweat. This can't continue. Think Kate, think.

I cleared my mind and focused with the word FIRST.
Breathe. Breathe.
Then boom!

"Yeah... Well..."

And Mrs. Gomez started to hold her silver gel pen.

"First things last..."

And the whole class started to pay attention. I saw Kpop1 stopped drawing. A thing that he always does when he's left with nothing to do. He's good actually. I've seen his works and I always end up saying wow, just wow. He once drew me, my profile picture specifically, and it's absolutely amazing. He gave it to me last year as a birthday gift.

"Remember the time when you had your first gift? Still recall how happy you were while you were unwrapping that colorful box, excited to see what's inside?"

And I saw our professor nodding. I guess I started good.

"I'm pretty sure you still remember your first party with your closest friends, your first award, your first day of school, which apparently happens every year yet you can't explain why you still get that feeling of being nervous, happy, thrilled and  somewhat drugged all at the same time."

And now my classmates are nodding. I know they would. I still can recall those days. Nothing but happy memories.

"There's always something  with first time."

All of a sudden, words started to go out. It's like it has been inside me all this time, just waiting to be said. Moments ago, I was filled with panic cos I know I'm not prepared yet. Now, I'm talking like I've memorized it.

But I think I've said too much first times. I don't know what else to say. Should I tell my first tooth decay? My first embarrassing moment? Oh, I know. My first time being snatched. Or maybe not. Okay. I can just tell about my first One Direction book, CD, poster. Heaven knows I can spend a lifetime sharing my stories about my five lads. But I have to set 1D aside. Cmon Kate, keep talking.

"Too much first has happened, is happening, and will happen in one's life. Of all those things, one chapter will always be most memorable - all the first related to  love."

So it all comes down with love, eh? I now regret not talking about my five boys. I looked at Jenna. She's making that I knew it face. With that kind of reaction she's giving, I have this strong feeling that I must not stay in the boarding house tonight.

"This love chapter, for me, has its two faces. I named them as IN and OUT."

In and out? Since when did I start to give love two faces? Giggles started to rule the room. I see them enjoying it. So does Mrs. Gomez. So I decided to continue.

"In has its full name - Falling IN love. I can indisputably say that it's everyone's favorite part."

I know it's everyone's favorite. Just by looking at Ralph, you'll see that he already got my point. Greg, on the other hand, is just staring at me. His eyes are all on me, focused. He's clearly not really listening.

"I mean, who won't, right? This face has eyes that see pure wonders, picking only the good features and ignoring the flaws, setting it all aside. These eyes see world at its finest. Your ears will stop hearing nonsense and destructive words. Instead you'll hear your love, talking, promising, and it never sounded so good. And your lips... Your lips will be exclusively kissing that man that made it say yes."

I pause. Catch my breath.

"Let's speak accounting. You are a sole proprietor then one man will come and convince you to be in a partnership. Hearts will be papers, signed with a promise. Words will bond you and your partner. Giving you responsibility. Commitment. You can't break the rules."

Smarty pants alert!

"Your heart was once owned by you, but when you're in, it belongs to someone else. You two will both be in your own-made world and the real world, for you, will seem lifeless."

I said every word with full emotion. No one would dare to object cos I knew it for a fact that they all have been agreeing to my somewhat sugar-coated, honey-dipped speech.

"I remember when..."

Wait, what? Remember what?

Instantly, my momentum's lost. My mouth fired too much bullets. Too much. Too fast. In just a click, I'm dead empty. Words washed away.
What more can I say now? I've said so much about falling in love. Time for the fall out.

"B-but the other face is out. Falling OUT of love. The hardest, most hurtful part. The hardest, yes, indeed..."

Excuse me, can I still change this to One Direction? I feel like stubbed right here, here in my chest. The thought that I stubbed myself makes it feel worse. But there's no stopping these words now, no.

"A-and no m-matter how magical in is, out can flush it all in just a blink..."

"No escape..."

"..."

And I think I'm slowly melting. My mouth can't handle another word. My knees feel dislocated, I might stumble and fall any moment.

What was I saying? Where did it all come from? Why am I feeling something weird right now?

The room is too narrow now. The light is too dim. I know I'm still standing in front of the class but I see no audience. I see myself. Sitting. Smiling. Looking back as if she's waiting for me to speak. She stares as if she waited far too long for me to open this all up. She waits but I won't satisfy her. I decided to blink and was kicked out of my own illusion.

"I'm, I-uhm, I think I'm done, ma'am." I forced a smile.

"Oh? Now you left us hanging."

Mrs. Gomez tried to make a joke. She even chuckled. But as soon as she saw two banks of tears waiting to run in my already shaking cheeks, she started to write something in her record book and said

"Well. Thank you Ms. Guevara, you may go back to your seat. Next..."

Silence served as my friend for the remaining hours in class. I kept silent in the last two classes and no one tried to ask why. They don't have to. They saw the whole scene.

The stillness never felt this relieving. It helps me spend the most intimate bonding with my thoughts. I am now gathering reasons about what happened an hour ago. Love. Two faces. In and out. More thoughts flashed. Is this still about Kyle or is this about me?

I forced my mind to keep him in it. I made him my standard as if it's mandatory. He didn't make me do it. I am the one who did it. Love didn't pushed me to do so. It's just me. I made this to myself.

I always want to be sure. I always want to know answers. I never thought it took me too far. This mindset built walls in me. Fear. I have to bring those walls down.

It's all clear now. I don't miss Kyle. I miss the feeling. All this time, I'm the one giving torture to myself. Love and pain will always stay together. It doesn't mean though that they both are the same thing. Love is the good part. Pain comes when you fail with love. It's not love that makes you feel hurt. It's you who chose to focus on the pain.

I don't know if I'm right or what. I'm nineteen, I'll soon learn more things. But for now, all I know is that I'm fine. I found answers and I guess, finally, I've moved on with Kyle.

As soon as the bell stopped ringing, I stood up, grabbed my bag, and smiled. Jenna and Anne got the message so they hugged me when we reached the gate.

"We all thought you'll stay quiet for days. I don't know what got into you but I'm glad your now okay ." Jenna wraps her arms in my right arm. Anne does the same on the other one. "It's about Kyle, isn't it?"

Wider smile showed. Their eyes show confusion in return. I never thought I'd say this after more than a year but finally, I said

"No, silly, it's all about love."