Shadows || A Severus Snape Fanfiction

Chapter 7 - Binns' Cupboard

A/N: This author's note is just to say I hope you're healthy, safe and COVID-free xx And thanks for still reading!

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Crack!!

The sound of splintering wood cut through the classroom. It was enough of a disturbance for even the usually oblivious Professor Binns to look mildly surprised. Asha swore under her breath and leaned forward, pressing her forehead against the cool surface of the cupboard door and wondered why the fuck she had just done something so insanely out of character...

Fuck. This kind of stuff never happened to Asha. She was always so observant, so aware, so in control. But she had felt increasingly as though she was losing her grip for quite some time now, and this was plain hard evidence. For the past few weeks, she had been finding it impossible to switch off her swirling thoughts and storms of emotions. Why was her previously highly effective strategy of simply shutting down any unhelpful internal distress now failing her?

One problem that now hovered over her, day and night, was that feeling of wrongness. It was impossible to explain. In her early years at Hogwarts, she had passed it off as a stupid figment of her angsty pre-teen imagination. But now, she kept stumbling across information that just didn't add up; her impossible case of Paselmouth with no reasonable explanation of its origin; that Boggart that couldn't read her for her greatest fear... something must be wrong with her. She knew something was wrong with her - she could feel it. But she couldn't put her figure on it, like when a word's on the tip of your tongue... just out of reach.

And on top of this insufferable sensation of wrongness, Asha was feeling more isolated and at odds with her peers than ever. Things were getting on her nerve far more easily. More than ever, she felt as though she didn't belong with the Hufflepuff crowd, or any of the student body really. The petty issues that consumed the lives of the students at Hogwarts were ludicrously trivial. Why, the fact that Terry Boot didn't ask Jules to Hogsmeade on valentines day, was the most sensational topic for a whole week was unfathomable to Asha. And with the way Matt reacted to his transfiguration essay result, you'd've thought Voldemort himself had returned. Do they have no perspective? Do they not understand how idiotic and pathetic they sound? Asha felt like she was surrounded by children and remaining patient, comforting and bubbly was exasperating and exhausting.

She had more significant things on her mind than the mean comment Draco Malfoy had made to Alisha about her new hair cut. Terrible, unjust and traumatic things had occurred in Asha's life that she doubted any students at Hogwarts could understand. Every day she faced ceaseless, gut-wrenching guilt for the horrific mistakes she'd made, while Maive grumbled on about her Quidditch team's loss.

As Asha sat in History of Magic, barely listening to Professor Binns' monotonous drone about witch hunts of the 14th century, her group of friends were whispering excitedly.

"I heard that Cedric Diggory is gonna ask out Tamsin Applebee"

"No way! Everyone knows Malcolm Preece has had a crush on her for years and he's Cedric's best mate!"

"They're not best mates! Sure, they've played quidditch together for ages but I don't think they're that close."

"Well Maxine told me that ..."

Asha was doing her best to look engaged in the conversation but her insides were churning. Why were her friends such children?  But she already knew the answer: they'd never held a cold, limp infant in their arms; they'd never watched, at the age of ten, their twin brother be crushed by a bus in front of their eyes. Asha's sudden rage was growing exponentially. Her emotions were getting out of control and her thoughts were all over the place. For the rest of her life, she'd have to carry that feeling of Cole's hand being ripped away from hers, just as instantly as he was -