The Lucky Lofter

ch || 30

The past weeks have felt like such a fever dream. Everything after Ronan's death has felt like I've been trapped in hell. I feel like I'm being punished for the sins I've committed in my life. Nothing has gone right since he died, I don't remember the last time I smiled or felt okay. I haven't left my flat in weeks, it feels so empty without her.

I never knew one phone call can shatter your entire life and make your heart incurable. I've never experienced hurt like that, when the police officer told me my sister had gotten into an accident. I wanted to see her but they didn't let me, they said the crash was too severe and her body was not even recognizable. They recommend– they said it'll be closed casket memorial.

"Fuck! I cant even see my sister one last time for fucks sake!" I yell out as i throw the bottle in my hand across the room, shattering upon impact.

I don't think I've moved from the couch ever since I got the call. I just can't, if I move, I'll cry because this flat is full of her. Everything in this flat pertains to her somehow. If I go to my room, temptations will have me peek into her room and I'll break down. I haven't touched or moved anything because I think she'll get mad at me for moving her stuff or touching it.

Gemma was really the only one I had left. My best friend was angry at me for what my fiancée did. My fiancée probably doesn't even love me anymore and I didn't even get to tell my son how much I loved him because he was gone too soon. My sister was the only one I had left, she supported me she loved me no matter what I did.

I fucked that up, I really did. My last fucking words to her were I fucking hate you and I will regret that until the day I die. The last words she ever heard from me were that I hated her. She died thinking I hated her. I don't know if I can live with myself knowing she died thinking I hated her and wishing she never existed.

Her funeral is today, my mum and Rob flew in last night but she refuses to come to the flat. She doesn't want to see all her stuff and be reminded of her and break down. My own mum doesn't want to come to comfort me. I don't want to get off this couch and get ready for her funeral because that means I have to walk around the flat and see everything that reminds me of her but I have to go, for her.

I haven't showered in weeks, I can at least do that for her. I finally got the courage to get up. I walked towards our bathroom but I stopped in front of her room, I stood outside the door for a while, deciding if I should open the door or not. My feeling got the better of me and I opened the door.

Her room was neat like she always had it. She hated to have a messy room, she was always on my ass about it. She kept me in check, without her, I'd probably be rotting in my own filth. I miss hearing her voice yell at me for every little thing I did, waking her up by making too much noise, not washing a dish when I used one, or for always borrowing her hair ties.

Her textbooks laid messily over her desk, she'd been stressing over a huge midterm. I saw her dinosaur pillow pet laying on her bed, she loved her pillow pet. I remember when our mum got us both pillow pets because we both made a pact to whine and beg until mum gave in. She wanted the blue dinosaur and I wanted the penguin.

I grew out of mine eventually but she kept hers. Seeing the pillow made me cry. I didn't think I had tears left, but the pillow meant too much. I walked over to her bed and laid down, I held the pillow close and cried into it. I hugged it very tightly, "I'm sorry Gem. I'm so sorry, I don't hate you. I love you so much, please know that. I love you with all my heart, you're the best sister in the world."

I quietly sobbed for a little until something on her dresser caught my eye. It was the jewelry box she got me for my birthday. I threw it at her, I guess she came back into my room and grabbed it. She wanted to make sure it was safe. I feel like such an asshole for throwing it at her, she didn't deserve that, she just wanted to try and cheer me up. I hate myself so much.