Saving lives is all I wanted to do in life but something harder than a open heart surgery is protecting your own heart. I thought I was strong enough to handle everything that came my way, but slowly I'm finding myself lost in what life has in store...
I love the support you are all giving me. Here is a little taste of Mark and Gen.
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I keep pacing around Mark's room not knowing what to say. I keep silent but I keep pacing. "You know you're going to make a hole in the ground."
"What?"
"You're rubbing the soles of your shoes in the same place very fast may I add."
"Shut up."
"Why are you here Gen?" I keep silent. I hear him get up from the bed. I feel him right behind me now and I stop moving.
"I should hate you for everything you've done to me. What you could do to me. The pain you've caused me. You humiliated me." I relax as I feel Mark reach for my hand. I keep my back to him. "But...I never stopped loving you even when everything in me told me too."
"Choosing Addison felt like the easier choice because being with you I saw my future flash before me and I was scared. I was scared of becoming the man who could have it all." I look to the ground. "Letting you go was not easy and I regret doing it every day."
"We're not good together Mark. We...we are toxic together."
"I like to think of it more as passionate. I shared with you everything about my absentee parents and how I never had a real family of my own. I...I always admired your big family and even with what your dad did I...we were there for each other."
"Burke left Cristina at the wedding." I blurt out without even thinking. "He didn't feel the love from her that he needed to marry her. I...it made me think of what it means to love someone. And all I could think about..." I slowly turn around to face him. "The love I have for you it makes me not think straight."
"So don't." Mark brings his hand up to cups my face. "Let's try this again. Start fresh and..."
"Jumping back in would not be smart. And before when I was with you all I did was not think things through." I remove his hands from my face. "My heart wants to jump right back into this with you Mark. It really does but...my heart was broken by you once and I need to protect myself more."
"Gen, I'm not promising that I'm a changed man or...a man you deserve. But I am a man who loves you and wants you to know that I...I want this. I want us." I nod my head. I look up at him and his captivating eyes.
"I want to take things slow Mark. I would like to be your friend but...I don't know if I can be in love with you again." Mark lowers his head.
"I hurt you. Made you feel unwanted which...is the last thing I intended to do. I...I will live with this mistake for the rest of my life." I reach Mark's hand intertwining my fingers with his. "I failed you when I should have been there for you."
__________________________________ 17 Days Later
This is our first day back as residents. We are no longer just interns waiting for answers, now we're supposed to provide them to those under our watch. The pressure is high and we have to step up to the plate. I feel the presence behind me. "Today is day one of the rest of your lives. I know what you've studied all these years in undergrad and medical school but...this is real life. You're not always going to find an answer right away." I make them follow me. "These are trauma protocols, phone lists, pagers." I hand each of them the booklet I made for them to make this transition easier. "If I can give you any advice it would be to treat the other members of the hospital with respect. Do not think you're above anything. If a nurse or any medical staff asks you to do something you will complete the task."
