Consequences

The contract

01/21/2016

I didn't know it would hit so hard. I mean, it had been one year, I'd already cried, I'd already screamed, I'd already cursed the entire world for taking away my father from me, but it still hurt. As hell. And I didn't know who said time helped to heal because now, I didn't feel like it helped at all. These 365 fucking days were useless. I just had to remember that he was gone and I cried. Time helped to be better at faking happiness. That's all.

I glanced at my phone and saw many texts from Karen, Manuel, my mom, my whole girl's band from high school who barely answered my texts since the beginning of college. But I didn't feel at all like faking and thanking them for their support, because currently, I didn't need that. I just needed to be alone, in my bedroom, with some music I used to love with my dad, and now they just made me sick. And Shawn got that. This morning, he just woke up, got ready for school, and left. He didn't try to sneak into my room to see if I was okay, because obviously, I wasn't.

Around 2 pm, I finally moved away from my bed. My mouth was dry and I was starving. I headed to the kitchen and was pretty surprised to see banana pancakes. I didn't even know my roommate could make pancakes. There was a note next to the plate.

Please eat. For me. Call me if you need anything.

He'd written his number that I surprisingly never had. I registered it on my phone and ate my pancakes silently. I was planning to go back to my bed when I heard the door. My roommate made his way to where I was sitting and stared at me with worried eyes.

" You ate."

" What are you doing here? Usually Wednesdays you're home around 8 pm."

He scratched the back of his neck and went to sit next to me.

" I said I would be there for you. I just went to the classes I had tests."

I looked at him and cracked a smile.

"You shouldn't, I'm fine Shawn."

My roommate sighed.

"Don't lie. Not to me. I've known you better than that."

"Okay. I'm not fine at all. Does it fucking change something? No." I answered raising my voice.

I expected him to not like the way I was talking to him and to just leave but he just stayed there. He even ended moving closer to me and resting his head on his hand.

" What are you doing?"

" Waiting for the moment you actually realize I just want to help you."

I had a lump in my throat. Why was he just not leaving me alone with my shit? After a moment of just staring, he took a curl of my hair and put it back behind my ear.

" Just let me in Mila."

02/15/2016

When Brian came in New York to visit his best friend and I said yes to join them in their tour, I didn't realize I would enjoy this much to do crappy tourist things like actually going into the statue of liberty, going to the Empire state building or even make a Picnic at Central Park. It was so cliché but I loved it. And Shawn absolutely hated it. We made him follow us everywhere and I forced him to hold my heavy backpack in what I put useless things. So he wasn't really happy. After spending the whole day outside, we finally got home again and he just went to his room.

" So Shawn is still not funny eh?"

I giggled and he stared at me.

" What?"