Musings And Questions/Short Stories For The Mentally Tired

Heartbreak - 18/6/20

What to say about the subject that's said it all? Heartbreak feels like absolute crap. It's a subject that countless people have tried to define, explain, rationalize, and yet we're still not sure how to fully understand it.

I'm writing this, as at the time of writing, I can't stop thinking about someone. They'll probably see this at some point, and when they do, I have a message for them. It's not your fault, and I don't blame you. You chose your path, and whatever else is said about me, know that I will respect that choice, always and forever.

I've had my share of heartbreaks. Or at least, I feel that it's my share. But this current one is hitting me harder than the others.

Every time that my heart has been broken, or my trust betrayed, I feel a wrenching, pulling, and compressing feeling in me. Every one of those people keeps a piece of my heart with them, and probably always will. Those pieces of my heart will give them control over me, and for some of them, I don't mind. And that scares me. I've always been a helpful person. Sarcastic, annoying, semi-witty, and a bit of a jerk. But I always try and help in the end. Even to those I dubbed my enemies. I made amends with some of them, and with others we let our differences lie in the dirt.

I've really only opened my heart to two people in my life. Opened the doors of some of my darkest sides to them. And it felt good to finally be true to myself. But now, I'm closed off again. Hiding myself behind those closed doors to try and fit in with society. I've been doing it for years, why should it matter to do it again? But it does. It matters, and that's the problem. I bared secrets of mine to a few people, and I can't say that they'll remain secret. I hope, but I don't know for certain. No one ever does.

I hate some parts of me. I hate them with a burning passion, I wish that I could just erase them. But I can't. I'm forever stuck with them, and that makes me furious and terrified. I'm normally a hard to make angry person, but once my fuse is burnt, I become a machine of rage. I don't like it, but it's there. I have a system of morals that I live by, counteracted by a set of desires. I'm at war with myself every day on what I should do. It's hard. It hurts. And I can't ever tell that to anyone, because of the image I've built up of myself for others. I pretend to be someone else, and it hurts.

A long time ago, I found that being someone else made it easier to fit in. But the trade off was in when I would get that pain back. I lost the pain of being outcast, and took the pain of not being who I was.

There are a few people who have seen through me and my disguise. I have bared pieces of myself to them, and in doing so scared them off. I did that recently, and it hurts. My heart aches almost every day. I'm almost crying thinking about it now, but because I wear my disguise all the time, I can't allow myself to cry. I haven't in a long time. And yet my heart aches and cries out at me, asking to let down its burden, and I still say no.

I want to be with this particular person with nearly every fiber of my being, but I can't, and it hurts. It hurts so goddamn much, but I still can't let it show. To anyone, ever. And so I retreat into the safety of the anonymity of the internet. I retreat to the place, where being nameless is an advantage. Where you don't have to justify yourself to people unless you choose to.

I can feel my thoughts slipping back to them, this person, every hour. Maybe not for long, or maybe for the whole hour. But my thoughts fall back to that constantly.

I'm not going to tell you answers to heartbreak, or ways to avoid it in the first place. What I am going to say, is that when it happens, don't be like me, and hide it. Show it to people. Let them know, and let them help. If they can't, then learn how to yourself. You've got the internet if you're reading this, so look up something.

I know that I went off topic for a lot of this. But I have to say, that the best answers to complicated questions, are rarely straightforward. I feel like crap right now, and can feel this person swelling in my mind. I hate it, and love it, and will never forget it. F***.