Where It Leads Us

Chapter Forty-five

As much as I wanted to write a hate letter, I couldn't. Not because I can't, but because doing so would require me to jeopardize my grades. I knew that a large portion of me didn't want to send Aaren a letter that was back-to-back, full-page long, and loaded with profanity and how much I despise him right now, even though I know I could do that at this very moment.

Every time Aaren would visit me at my house, I'd sit by the staircase as I watch and listen to Zania and Aaren's short conversation about me and how much he regrets not telling me the truth.

I crammed the informal letter the night before the presentation day. Although I wasn't happy with how I expressed my thoughts, I knew it would work as long as he heard them, and that is what matters. When I was writing, it became second nature for me to write the words without thinking twice, and I strangely felt proud of myself even though I wasn't sure whether they would make sense when spoken aloud.

When I arrived at school, I was feeling a little dizzy at the thought of giving a presentation in front of those kids who used to gossip and believe rumors about me. I then began to doubt what I had written and whether they were worthy enough to hear and believe.

Today, in contrast to other days, it was more difficult for me to ignore those inner critics. Even though I was aware that it is trying to prevent me from making any mistakes, it instead stirs up fear, uncertainty, and unjustified humiliation.

When I entered the classroom, trailing behind Ms. Romeo as the bell starts ringing for first class, I immediately went to my seat. After sitting down, I almost constantly feel the desire to move to get rid of this feeling. Knowing that the inner critics were still there to keep me a bit sane, it felt as though they had exited my head and were traveling through my blood, and are now rushing through my veins.

The least I could do was cover my ears while shaking my head in an effort to get them to lower their voices. Ms. Romeo continues to speak while she writes something on the whiteboard and discussed something regarding our grades.

When Ms. Romeo sat down, I immediately stood up and walked up toward her. I hide my shaky hands behind my back as I talk to her, "May I be excused after the presentation later? I don't feel too good right now."

Ms. Romeo placed her pen down on the table as she looks up at me, her eyebrows scrunched, "Why? Is something wrong?"

"Just having the worse anxiety," I spoke casually, as though it were a common occurrence, but on the inside, I was being devoured by hell and was being nearly skinned alive because of the feeling.

"Do you want to be excused now?" Ms. Romeo asks me, "Although, if you present later after class, I might have to give you a deduction for it to be fair for the others."

I gave it two considerations. This time, I intended to ace my classes and put in more effort to obtain good grades without resorting to lame justifications that would ultimately make me fail.

I swallowed my anxiety, "No, I think I'll be able to manage."

Ms. Romeo nods her head, "Alright, just let me know, okay? You don't have to force yourself just because of a deduction."

Even though it was true that I was pushing myself, I nodded nevertheless since I didn't want to consider receiving a deduction just because my anxiety was flaring up.

In order to calm myself down, I did the breathing exercise as I sat back down, having lost the crucial point of reference in my thought process as a result of the feeling. After the allotted five minutes for preparations, Ms. Romeo begins calling names at random, and I watch as each kid reads their prepared remarks, making most of the students laugh which also helped me loosen up from the tense emotion.

I instantly got to my feet as my name was called and looked at Aaren. When he held my gaze, it felt like everything around me slowed down as I find myself calming down. After being shaken out of a quick trance, I felt like my lips were sealed shut and it seemed like my feet were glued to the floor, preventing me from moving and speaking as Ms. Romeo asks which one of us will be performing first. I slowly take my seat as I watch Aaren make his way to the front, I become more anxious than earlier.

He captured my attention the moment he began to talk. To be honest, practically every time he came to see me and talk to me at my house, I wanted to hear him out, but Zania would always stop me and tell me that he doesn't deserve to be forgiven that easily.

I felt the piercing looks surrounding me, anchoring me to my seat, making me uneasy as the voices within my brain became louder as he continues to speak, gazing at me after each paragraph he had uttered.

It gets hotter for me to remain calm and breathe the more I feel their glares. As my head hits the ground, I cover my ears in an effort to regain control of my breathing as I unconsciously rise up from my seat.

It was like leaning on the brink of a never-ending rope bridge while suffering from fractured legs and aching, blistering hands. As I struggle to pull myself up, the rope is fraying and the people around me are exerting pressure on me with their searing gazes, just watching me suffer in silence.

As the voices became louder and louder, it became more difficult for me to hear Aaren's speech, giving me a splitting headache. The abrupt shifts that I make, make me more anxious as I am being forced to venture into unknown areas. I'm agitated by the sensation of the uneasy feeling as I feel my balance beginning to falter.

Within a few more seconds that passed by in a blink of an eye, I lost consciousness.

***