Feelings

Chapter 17

Over the next few weeks, Lim steadily improved. By session four, she was willing to face the trauma head on in her usual manner. Melendez decided he wanted to accompany her to that particular appointment and Lim let him win that battle. Even though she had developed a good rapport with Dr. Jacobson, she wanted someone familiar to be with her. Lim's appointment was a Saturday and Melendez rarely worked on Saturdays, so they were both grateful that he didn't have to try to shift his work schedule since no one at St. Bonaventure knew about their relationship. They both patiently waited in the reception area before Dr. Jacobson came out and greeted Lim with a warm smile, "Are you ready, Audrey?" she asked softly.

"As ready as I'll ever be," admitted Lim nervously, "Um, Dr. Jacobson, I'd like to introduce you to Dr. Neil Melendez."

"Nice to meet you," she smiled and shook his hand. They both followed Dr. Jacobson back and she closed the door, "I'm going to make an assumption that you're the boyfriend?"

"You would be correct in that assumption," he confirmed.

"Well, are you ready to do this, Audrey?" asked Dr. Jacobson.

Lim swallowed thickly, but nodded, "Yes," she affirmed softly.

"Okay. I'll," she glanced over at Melendez sitting next to Lim, "We'll be right here if you start to panic and I'll bring you back on the right track. But right now, I want you to close your eyes for me," Lim did as instructed and she felt Melendez grab her hand, "Now I want you to give me as many details about that day as you can. How did the day start out?" Lim opened one eye and Melendez and she chuckled awkwardly, "What?" asked Dr. Jacobson.

"Well, Neil and I had just been competing for a promotion at work and we both were screwed over," said Lim, "We went out for drinks and we both had a few too many and..." Lim trailed off, "And this was before we were officially together."

"I see," said Dr. Jacobson.

"I woke up at Neil's house, we both admitted what happened shouldn't happen again, not that that agreement lasted, and then I left his house to go to work," began Lim.

"Alright, and you were covering the emergency department that day, correct?" asked Dr. Jacobson for confirmation.

"Yes," confirmed Lim, "I met up with the residents under my command and we had two patients come in by ambulance, plus several patients who had arrived on their own. I can't reveal too much because of patient confidentiality."

"Of course," Dr. Jacobson nodded her understanding, "What happened next?"

"There were two patients exhibiting the same symptoms: coughing, wheezing, a rash on their necks, a general feeling of sickness. One of the residents suggested that the infection was transmitted through the air, but I didn't want to believe it at first. But once another person came down with the same symptoms, we had to put the ER under quarantine," Melendez noticed Lim was starting to sweat a little, so he began rubbing soothing circles on her hand.

"So the quarantine went into effect," repeated Dr. Jacobson, "And then what happened?"

"Um, well two of the patients died almost immediately, but the doctors, nurses, staff members, and I tried to keep the ER running smoothly, but for my one patient...the other one with the SARS mutation, things were looking bleak."

"Alright and when did you discover you were infected?" asked Dr. Jacobson quietly.

Lim's throat tightened, her stomach twisted in knots, and her breathing increased. She could feel the sweat forming on her palms and her heart racing. She jumped a little when Melendez's hand moved to her back, "Deep breath, Audrey," she heard him whisper.

"One of the residents and I were treating our patient. I was removing my gloves and I noticed the rash on my arm. Other than that, I was asymptomatic. I immediately locked myself in the negative pressure room to protect everyone," Lim's voice quivered with each and every word.

"I'm sure you were scared," sympathized Dr. Jacobson.

"Scared, I was fucking terrified! Pardon the language," apologized Lim for the outburst.

"No, that's okay," encouraged Dr. Jacobson.

"I stayed locked in isolation and our patient didn't make it. I was afraid I was going to be next. Despite everything happening to me, I still felt the need to stay calm, do my job, and guide my residents. I continued to help as best as I could, but I could feel my fever going up, it was getting harder and harder to breathe, I felt like I was going to pass out, and the next minute I knew, I was waking up surrounded by doctors and nurses," described Lim, her heart rate and breathing still increasing.

"Okay, Audrey, open your eyes," Lim shot her eyes open and instead of being in a quarantined ER, she was back in the counselor's office with Dr. Jacobson and Melendez, a look of gentle compassion and concern in his eyes. As she brought herself back to reality, the pounding in her chest faded and she could breathe more easily, "You're safe."

"But I wasn't finished describing everything," protested Lim.

"I know. But right now, your emotional state and your nervous system can only handle so much. But is there anything else you want to add before we end our session for today?" asked Dr. Jacobson.

Lim looked over towards Melendez and he nodded his encouragement, "Well, I want to just say how grateful I am to Neil," smiled Lim, "If it wasn't for him, I wouldn't have lived."

Dr. Jacobson smiled to herself. She hadn't known exactly who he was, but she had had the feeling that the doctor whom Lim had said saved her was also now her boyfriend, "Well, next week we can begin to work through your worries and go over specific aspects of the day, but given how brave you were today, I'm confident you will do just fine."

"Thank you," said Lim softly.

"It was nice meeting you," said Melendez.

"You too," said Dr. Jacobson.

They left the counseling center and Melendez started the drive back to his house. He glanced over at Lim, who hadn't said anything since they had left the appointment, "Audrey, are you alright?"

"Yes," she answered softly, "It's just hard to relive my own mortality, that's all. I mean, I know death is inevitable, but I'm only 36."

"I know," Melendez kissed her hand, "But I am so proud of you."

"Why? It doesn't feel like I've made much progress," admitted Lim.

"I know you don't," Melendez placated, "But a few weeks ago, you wouldn't have been able to talk about that day without having a full-blown panic attack. Hell, last week, you wouldn't even talk about it with me in the room. But you did both today. Do you know how much courage that took? You haven't been having as many nightmares or flashbacks. And it's all you," he praised.

Lim chuckled and squeezed his hand, "Well, knowing you're with me puts my mind at ease," she told him.

Melendez smiled back and asked, "Is there anything you want to do today?"

Lim wanted nothing more than an ice cold beer, but she really wasn't supposed to be drinking a lot of alcohol with the PTSD diagnosis, so she asked, "Since I'm not really supposed to be drinking alcohol, want to grab some burgers and shakes?"

Melendez chuckled at her suggestion. It seemed they were always at the local In-N-Out together when they were residents, whether he wanted it or not, "Yes."