The Art of Starting Over

Chapter 65 - Chances

I wake up to an empty apartment and a note from Jeremy saying that he's with my father, getting him settled into a hotel. I sigh, holding the note in my hand, my fingers gently caressing his neat handwriting, my head trying to catch up with what happened last night.

Isn't my life complicated enough as it is? Did I really need another wildcard?

My father is here, on the same island. I can't count how many times I played this possibility in my head, deliberating on what I would say to him if I ever saw him again. What I would do, what I would want him to do. But now that it's actually happening, I feel more lost than ever.

So many years of pent up anger for what he did to me, to my mother, to Millie, followed by months of remorse for what I did to him, have left me utterly exhausted and clueless.

And then there's Jeremy. I thought we made some progress yesterday. The hotel, the library, the way he was by my side all the while my father was talking and the way he opened up to me.

I felt strong and safe with him on my team. But then he kissed me and my mind exploded. I can't make sense of the ashes that are left. I don't know what has me more worked up, my conviction that I shouldn't let myself get any closer to him or the knowledge that I'll never be able to stay away.

It wasn't fair for me to blame him for our continuous tug of war. I'm just as bad as him. Pushing and pulling against him because I'm too scared to stay and in too deep to leave.

I hear my phone vibrating somewhere beneath me. I dig it out from between the cushions and see that Jeremy is calling. I feel a weight drop in my stomach as I stare at the picture of him in Nanna's apron. I really need to delete this fucking photo!

"Hello," I answer, walking to my room where my father had been sleeping a few hours ago.

I smile to myself, noting that he's done the bed and tidied up before leaving.

"Hey! You're up!"

Jeremy's voice is light and brisk. Business as usual. I dip my fingers in the soil of my orchid and note that it's very dry. I head for the kitchen and fetch a glass of water.

"I'm up," I reply, trying to sound as light-hearted as he does.

"Good. I'll be home soon. Your father is staying at the BOCO in Bormla. He's booked for three nights. Do you know where that is?"

"Yes," I reply slowly. I feel Jeremy pondering on the other end of the line.

"Ally, he asked me to ask you if you would consider having lunch with him today."

From the hesitation in his voice, I can tell he knows exactly what's going through my mind.

I want to try and make this work. I want to give him a second chance, but it just feels so strange. It feels like it's been forever since he was a part of my life, and now he's here and he wants to have lunch.

"You don't have to if you don't want to," Jer goes on when I don't speak. "I can tell him you're busy."

"Will you come with me?" I hear myself asking like a scared child.

Again, Jeremy takes a while to answer, clearly holding back. "If you want me to come along, I'll be there. But I think this is something you need to do on your own."

I sigh heavily.

Of course, it is.

"Will you be at the future best boutique hotel on the island, then?" I ask the question teasingly, but in reality, I just want to know where I need to go crawling to after lunch with Mark.

I feel Jeremy smile over the phone. I smile too.

"For all intents and purposes of your question, yes, I will. I have workmen coming over in an hour. But I need to get some papers from the apartment first. Wait for me, yeah?"

I get an unwelcome nervous flutter in my stomach as I think about Jeremy in a suit commanding his men around, but it is quickly followed by a painful feeling of guilt and shame at the same time. I can't keep doing this to myself. I can't keep doing this to him.

I think about our kiss. It was so simple and sincere and honest.

"Okay," I say finally. "I'll start getting ready."

He hangs up and I go back to my room with the water for my orchid.

I can't help but wonder what Millie would think of all this. Would she be angry at me for agreeing to meet with him after everything he put us through? Or would she encourage me to forgive him and try to put everything behind me?

'Day by day, honey,' her voice says soothingly in my mind.

#

I step out of the shower and put on a short, flowery dress. The days are already getting hotter. I fluff up my hair, slap on some lipstick and decide that I'm as ready as I'll ever be.

Jeremy walks through the front door just as I step out of my room. I notice his eyes travelling down my body, lingering where my dress tapers in and hugs my body. But the momentary fire in his eyes is soon replaced by self-restraint and his guard is back up. I exhale sharply, admiring his discipline.

"All set?" he asks, eyes back on my face.

I look back at him and nod, hoping I don't look as flustered as I feel.

"Do you need a ride?"

"No, thanks," I say, clinking my keys at him.

He raises his eyebrows. "Are you sure? My car is faster."

I bite my lip suppressing a smile. "I kind of miss the other one."

This time he has to work harder not to let the fire in his eyes show and I try not to smile victoriously.

"Call me if you need anything at all, okay? And go easy on him. Things aren't always what they seem to be."

I give him an anxious nod and turn to leave but just as I'm almost out the door his hand catches my elbow. Looking into his face I see the determination in his lips and hesitation in his eyes.

"Ally, about yesterday..."

My heart takes off into a frantic gallop as he searches for the right words.

"Jeremy, don't!" I beg, eyes wide. "Don't do this now."

"We can't keep avoiding this forever."

"My father's waiting."

"So am I! I can't go on for another minute like this. Not knowing where we stand. We live together, I have no idea how to be around you and it's driving me crazy!"

"You said you'd wait!" I cry desperately before he can say anything else, but the man is determined. More determined and more certain than I've ever seen him, and that's saying a lot.

"And I meant it," he goes on. "I'm not rushing you. I just want to know what's going on in your head."

I stare back at him but I can't answer him, because I have no idea what's going on in my head. Millie's voice comes to me again.

Day by day.

And then, images from my nightmares flash through my head. Him and Sosa laughing, him and Sosa sneaking around in the backroom of the store, Sosa yelling at me, calling me a cheater, cackling at me, reminding me that she had him first. Him and Sosa. Him and all the other girls. Him leaving . Me crying.

"I don't know, Jeremy. I can't..."

His face falls and his eyes glisten. His grip on my elbow slackens. "You can't forgive me, can you?"

We stare at each other for the longest while. Both of us struggling not to break.

"I have to go," I whisper.

Sparks fly between our fingers as I pull my hand away and the wave of electricity surges straight to my core.