Cry Until You Bleed

40- Moments

*CBJ won last night 5- 0 so here's the extra update <3
*Also, this is my favorite chapter in the whole entire story so let me know what you think (:

What does the brain matter compared to the heart?

I’ve been thinking about this quote a lot from the story that I’d read earlier in my time here at Bernard’s called Mrs. Dalloway. I can’t remember the context of that quote but I do remember reading it because I’d scribbled it down on the corner of a page in my journal. I think that it’s really something to think about sometimes and it’s something that, as I’ve been getting closer to Niles, that I’ve been thinking about quite frequently.

My brain is the one that’s so messed up but my heart is just fine. My heart has never been broken or destroyed at all. So should my brain’s decision to be afraid of romantic feelings get in the way of my heart’s confusing desire to be with Niles? I think that’s what’s making this whole shenanigan complicated. It’s the battle between the two most important organs in my body, they’re going to war right now and it’s confusing my whole existence.

My brain is afraid of anything that has to do with the male species but my heart, being the rebel that it is, wants to learn to love him. But, in Virginia Wolff’s words, what does the brain matter?

I run my fingers over the quote as the journal is laying open on my desk and then I glance over at the abandoned notebook paper hanging on the corner of my desk that reads “Reasons that Anna should live” at the top. So far, it’s grown a lot since the day that Niles scribbled it up in the common area. It started out as just macaroni pizza, Nsync, and Emily Dickenson. Now, however, this is the full list that’s lying beside my Mrs. Dalloway quote:

Macaroni Pizza
Nsync
Emily Dickenson
The stars
You’re a fucking star
Learn to ice skate
My friends
Halloween Dance
Travelling the World
Meeting any future nieces and nephews

I’m sure that I could add more if I really wanted to think about it but right now, I don’t have time to do that considering Niles should be here in ten minutes to take me somewhere that’s not here and so I have to go down to Dr. Lombardi’s office so that I can get dressed for the outside world and everything.

My brain/heart debate will have to wait for later too, so I shut my journal with my reasons to live list tucked inside so that it doesn’t get lost and then I hurry out of the room, making sure that my ID badge is clipped to the front of my scrubs like it always is. When I get into Dr. Lombardi’s office, she hands me the bag with my clothes in it, washed since the last time that I wore them, and I thank her before going to the bathroom to get dressed. It’s the same skinny jeans, black shirt, and sneakers from every time that I leave. I was outside in the courtyard earlier today and it was scorching hot so I throw my dark hair into a pony tail before leaving the bathroom stall.

“It’s four now, so be back by six, alright?” Dr. Lombardi reminds me as she hands me the tiny canister that holds my panic pills for just in case. I tuck them in my pocket and nod.

“Yep. Got it. I’ll see you then,” I tell her as I’m leaving the room.

“Oh, wait, Ana, before you leave, I almost forgot to give you this. It’s from Penn,” She tells me, handing me an envelope with the facility’s address on the front and I recognize the return address as my address back in California.

Curiously, I open up the already-opened envelope. I understand that they have to go through all of the mail that we get, just to make sure that there’s nothing harmful inside, so I’m not surprised when I notice that the envelope has already been carefully opened by somebody else. I pull out two twenty dollar bills and a note that says “So that he doesn’t have to pay for you. Have fun. We all love and miss you. (P.S. Sorry that I’m a dick sometimes)”