Cry Until You Bleed

44- Trouble

I think that I’m going to vomit. I couldn’t sleep last night. I couldn’t eat this morning. But it’s not a good thing. It’s not like I’m just so incredibly happy with how yesterday had turned out. It’s a terrible, gnawing feeling under my skin that’s been eating at me ever since last night. It’s not a nightmare or a memory again, it’s something so much worse than that.

I’m in trouble. Deep trouble.

It’s almost four o’clock on Monday so I’m walking towards Dr. Lombardi’s office and my legs are shaking, they are so weak. I almost ask one of the nurses in the hallway to get me a wheelchair because there’s no way that my legs can carry me all the way to the psych wing where all of the doctor offices are. My mind is spinning with the fear of what might happen today. I don’t want to go.

I’m almost 100% sure what’s going to happen today and I don’t want it to happen at all.

I’m in so much trouble. Deep, deep trouble.

As I continue to push myself forward, I go over what had happened in my mind again, which is what I have been doing since it had happened. Last night, after I got back from hanging out with Niles, I was in a good mood for obvious reasons. Renée and Mia, being the awesome friends that they are, had noticed my exceptionally good mood and when they asked about it, I knew that I had to tell them. I was just so happy, not just because Niles and I had kissed and made plans to go on a real date, but because I was so proud of myself for letting it happen. I had kissed a boy and I didn’t panic at all. Not even a little bit. I actually enjoyed it a whole lot.

So I took Renée and Mia into a little corner of the facility that was pretty vacant and nobody would hear what I was telling them because it’s top secret information.

I sat there and told them everything about my day with Niles. I told them how we kissed and then we started skating again but every once in a while, I’d get the desire to kiss him again and so I would. So we’d skate some more with an occasional short kiss. It was never too intense, there was never even any tongue or anything, they were just simple kisses and they drove me crazy every single time. And then we ate some more pizza and kissed again before the day was over.

I also told them how it was against the babysitting rules for us to break the platonic line, which we broke last night. Over and over and over. Of course, we’d vaguely poked at that line before yesterday but it was different yesterday because we didn’t just poke at it, we destroyed it and burned the remains.

Anyway, so after I told them all of this I decided that I was really exhausted from everything that had happened during the day so I turned to leave that little nook where we were hidden but right as I turned the corner, I came face to face with Shayla, the girl who has had it out for me for no reason since day one.

I don’t know how long she had been standing there but she gave me a look and I could just tell that she’d heard enough of the conversation to get me in a lot of trouble if she told the wrong people, which I’m sure that she has no problem doing at all considering she hates me.

So that’s why I’m so afraid of going to my appointment today with Dr. Lombardi’s office today, because I’m pretty convinced that Shayla has told somebody who has told somebody who has told Dr. Lombardi and I know that if she asks me about it, I won’t lie. I’m trying really hard not to do that anymore. I was okay with not telling her anything at all but I’m not okay with flat out lying about it anymore. I don’t think I could even if I wanted to because I’m just so giddy and happy about it that if she asks me and I say no, that we did not kiss, I’d burst out into giggles that would give me up anyway. It is useless. I am screwed.

Every step that I take towards Dr. Lombardi’s office reminds me of all of those times that she had warned me not to get too close to Niles or she’d have to call off everything. When I eventually get to her office, I wonder if it’s possible to just not go to the appointment today but I know deep down that it’s not possible to just skip our daily session like that, so I just hold my breath and force a smile on my face as I turn the corner and walk into her office.