What Belongs to Me [COMPLETE]

Chapter 18 "The Revelation!"

Mr. Destiny was really brutal to me, he played me like a weak official in a chess game, and he put me in a series of traps and makes me detour from my plans and constantly trying to break me down. And now I’m confused if what will be the ending of this two-way process game of destiny on my pitiful life, if am I going to be victorious and triumphant in the end or I will be left devastated and shattered.

I called Mama and told her about my thesis, everything that happened to me; I told her my theory of the reason why I am not doing my final defense and I also asked her to be the one to inform Papa about what happened to me. I apologized to her and she just said that it was just ok, that she and Papa understands me, I’m not sure about Papa though, I thought. That’s why I liked Mama because she can feel when I am suffering, she knows when I am hurting, maybe because of that thing called “mother’s instinct”. When I came home for a vacation with a heavy heart and feeling defeated, Papa wasn’t talking to me about my studies, I understand him because he has a very big expectation on me, my family who already knew about it were looking at me in such disappointment, if you just knew what I’ve been through, I thought. Everyone judged me without hearing my explanation, if only they try to put themselves on my situation.

I came back to the city with a burdened heart, not getting the comfort and motivation that I needed from home. But I was still thankful because LJ and the circle were always by my side constantly supporting me. And most of all, Mama was always reminding me that I did my best and that she is still proud of me because I was still on my feet and not giving up.

One morning I woke up and I couldn’t find my other one in the mirror. It wasn’t there now that I really need its comfort, all I see is myself, my soulless self. I want to think that someone is staring back at me on the mirror, someone full of life, stronger version of myself, someone who is able to do the things I haven’t. I know that I am not the person I’m seeing in the mirror anymore but I still need to play the part of a perfect one.

In the days that followed, I found myself still on a trap, I tried so hard to avoid it but I couldn’t, I couldn’t breathe. Now, I have nothing to lose and completely free but I don’t feel like it, I was being drowned on my own thoughts, I was now developing anxiety disorder. I was thinking about my thesis, about Cizar, about the judgement of the people, I am frustrated! I am distressed! I was now depressed!

Finals came and the final defense took place, I shutdown myself from social media because I don’t want to see the post of my classmates about their successful defense. For my minor subjects, I didn’t do the requirements; I didn’t make the final exams. I can’t stand doing my plates and projects on my drafting table, it just reminds me of my thesis. That is why I failed all of my three majors including my thesis.

I detached myself from my classmates and start developing my vices for smoking and drinking alcohol. One evening, I went to a bar alone, it was a quite bar unlike the usual bar wherein people are very noisy. This bar has the sense of privacy, while I was deep in my thought, a guy wearing a white fitted shirt and a brown chino and wearing a white cap approached me and tried to talk to me.
“Hi, can I seat here with you?” I raised my head, confused; I looked around at the empty tables and told him,
“There are still available tables around.” I said flatly, narrowing my eyes.
“Oh sorry, I was just wondering if you need someone to talk to, you look like you have a problem.” He said knitted brows and blinking.
“I’m fine and I can handle myself, so please mister…” frowning and glancing away from him.
“No, you know what? You can talk to me and I will not judge you and your problem, I’ll just listen to you until you’ll ask me to speak. I’m Ali by the way.” I just nodded at him motioning my head to the chair adjacent to me for him to seat.
“Why are you doing this?” I asked with a wrinkled nose, still confused.
“Let’s just say that I’ve been in your position already and I know how it felt. I understand that you want to shout your frustrations to the world but you can’t because you’re afraid that people will judge you.” Maintaining direct eye contact with me.
“So how did you cope up when you were in my situation before?” I asked.
“Someone also helped me before and guess what? I am in a relationship with that person right now for three years already.”
“Is that so?”
“Yes, so don’t worry, you can say anything to me and I promise you that your secrets will remain inside this bar.”
“So why are you here now? If you don’t have a problem?”
“I am a regular here and I am friends with the owner, sooo…..” I nodded.
I told Ali about all of my problems, about my fight with Cizar, my feelings towards him and everything around him. I told him about what happened on my thesis, how hard it was for me, to accept everything that happened. I can see that he was somehow shocked but he did as he promised, he just listened to me and did not say anything, until,
“Ali, what should I do now? I don’t know how to react to all of this now, I am very exhausted of it.” Just then he began talking,
“Thank you for trusting me and telling me all of this. About your thesis; you know to yourself that you are a diamond that was cast by your teacher because of her personal issues, you are feeling depressed right now because you did your best that is why you are deeply wounded. What you need to do is to pick up yourself and show everyone your best version, prove them that they made a big mistake because it is true that the best revenge is being successful. As for the guy that you are in love with, I suggest that you confront him, talk to him personally so that you can clear your issues.” Tears were now flowing on my cheek that’s why Ali handed me his handkerchief.
“Thank you for listening to me and for your advises, I never thought that this would happen, it is so unexpected.”
“It was destiny.” he mumbled.
“What?”
“It was destiny who called you to come here and put me here to listen to you.” I nodded. I was shocked because he also believes in destiny like me. When the night was already getting deeper, Ali offered to drop me off to my apartment on his black motorcycle. I resisted but he insisted because it looks like I couldn’t manage going home in one piece anymore. He gave me his number and we said our goodbyes and then he said,
“I hope that the next time I will see you, you are no longer crying because of the same problem.” Then he left in a flash. I realized that I forgot to tell him my name but anyway I have his number now.

It feels nice to tell someone your problems without that person judging you. I thought about what Ali told me and decided to confront Cizar as soon as I wake up the next morning. And then I finally closed my eyes to sleep.

When I wake up the next morning, my body was aching but my head was kind a light. I checked the time on my phone and it was already two o’clock in the afternoon. I went to the living room and saw that the entire place was already invaded by the heat of the sun. I took a quick shower and change into my pair of white sleeveless and a short. I was about to enter my room when I saw some stuffs on the console table beside my door. I was stiffened and in deep shocked- my hands to my mouth because of what I saw, my heart sunk and almost stop beating. My departmental uniform that Cizar insisted on having it before when he found out that it fits him very well, all of my drafting materials that he uses to borrow from me, a portrait that I made for him- that I put so much effort and detailed in doing it and the bracelet that I gave him because he doesn’t want to give it back to me. Cizar gave it all back to me!

I was really startled and could barely move when I was holding the things that Cizar dropped at my table. My tears voluntarily fell down on the portrait as I was holding it. I couldn’t think of anything that I could divert the tension that is burning inside me. I changed my clothes in an instant and I went to the hyper-market to buy lots of beers enough to fill my fridge. I began drinking until I became really drunk and couldn’t think straight anymore. I took my phone on my black pants that I wore going to the store and start searching name on my contact list, I typed c.i.z….. and then with no more thinking, I disled him. I called him three times but he is not answering, on my fourth attempt, he answered his phone, my voice was now tense,
“How dare you!”
“What is it?”
“How dare you! How dare you!” I kept on shouting at the phone.
“Hey, are you drunk? Have you been drinking?”
“How dare you ask me that Cizar!”
“Hey, are you ok? Where are you now?” he said very serious.
“Fuck you Cizar! Fuck you!”
“Are you downstairs? I’m coming down now!” he rush down to my room but found no one there.
“Where are you? God damn it!"He wad already angry. I accidentally bump to the flower pot on the rooftop and it fell to the floor causing a sound and so I hold on to the railing, but the railing is already wrecked and falling apart, that’s why Cizar heard the sounds of the metal clicking.
“Shit, you’re at the rooftop! Don’t do anything crazy! Wait for me!” he runs like hell to the rooftop and I could hear his footsteps on the staircase. He was now in front of me panting heavily trying to relax himself so that he won’t make me move, because I was now leaning to the wrecked railing and couldn’t control myself.
“It’s ok! Don’t move! I’m coming to you! Hold my hand” he was four meters away from me trying to reach out his hand to me, but I said.
“Don’t come near me or else I will jump here.”
“Don’t! Please don’t! Ok, I won’t come near you.” He was now begging seriously.
“How dare you do this to me? How could you return those things and make me feel like this? Yes! You can return it all! As you wish!" I shouted at him crumbling, feeling weak and shaking. "But what about me? HOW ABOUT ME, CIZAR? My heart that you have stolen from me?" My voice was very heavy and tensed. "My feelings that you have stolen? That you played! HOW CAN YOU RETURN MY HEART IN ONE PIECE!" I just coudn't stop my tears on streaming and spiraling on my cheeks. "What now! Can you return it to me? How dare you Cizar!!!” he was now crying while begging me to hold his hands, to reach his hands.
“I’m so sorry, please come to me now! Stop doing this! Please LHEAM…?” he pleaded while sobbing.
“JUST BECAUSE I’M GAY!!!" I screamed on his face, feeling the strong eruption on my chest. "Is that it? You can’t be proud of me because I’m gay??? Fuck you!!! You made me feel this way towards you and now you’re betraying my feelings. Did you ever love me CIZAR? I was now losing my energy, absolutely wasted.
“I loved you Lheam! I did love you, but…..” it seemed that he has a lot to say but i shushed him furiously.
“Lies!!! Now, when I’m gone, you will suffer the way I did!” i stared on his beautiful dark eyes for the last time and then I let go of my grasp on the railing. But before I lose my control, Cizar was already holding my hand and grabbing my shoulder towards him, pulling hard our body and then we fell to the  ground heavily. I was crying and he was sobbing, he couldn’t let go of my body.
“Cizar…..” was the last thing I said in a hushed voice, i thought i was already dead and then i blocked out.
“Lheam! Lheam wake up…..” I could hear his voice fading out.

I opened my eyes but my eyelids felt heavy so I tried to tilt my head sideward, couldn’t fully open my eyes still, I could hear someone freaking out, it was LJ over reacting again.
“Omg! Omg! Are you awake now? Lheam! Lheam? Can you hear me? Gurlll?” it’s so nice to hear someone calling my name again. I rolled my eyes.
“Stop over reacting LJ, I’m fine… what happened?”
“Oh my God can’t you remember anything? Did you have an amnesia?”
“There you go again! How would I know your name if I had an amnesia?”
“Aww you’re right! So what do you mean? What happen then?” her, realizing what I’m asking and finally getting the hint, “Yeah right, the hot guy, that siiiii….. Right Cizar!” are you asking about him?” I nodded.
“I was calling you but some unfamiliar voice answered, he told me that he was Cizar your board-mate and I told him I’m your best-friend so he asked me to come and take care of you, he said that you are very drunk and wasted that’s why I came running, I also saw those mountain of cans on your trashcan. How much really did you drink? Are you trying on killing yourself?” I didn’t mind her silly remarks.
“Is that all? Anything?”
“Yes! Is there anything more? That I needed to know about?”
“Ohh, it’s nothing. By the way thank you so much LJ.”
“That’s fine; I’m your best-friend! By the way that Cizar guy--- his eyes and nose were kind a reddish, looks like he cried for hours… just saying! Anyways….. Answer me, what happened to you dear, why did you drink so much?
“Nothing LJ.”
“Is it about the thesis thing?” she asked very concern.
“Yes, but I’m fine now.” I said just to stop her asking about it.
“You’ll be fine dear, we’ll rock thesis next year,” she smiled widely to ease my feeling. I smiled slightly.