Liar liar

Back to normality

It would all start with a single awful thought. And from there it would spiral...

'She wasn't all that bad.'

Pearl worried constantly.

White hot panic striking her when she least expected it. Making her skin boil and prickle. Sweat coating her back and forehead in an instant, leaving her hands trembling with a horrid cold chill.

SHE WOULD NEVER BE GOOD ENOUGH.

SHE WOULD NEVER BE THIN ENOUGH/ PRETTY ENOUGH/ PERFECT ENOUGH.

She wasn't enough for Rose so why should she even bother?

She just desperately wanted someone to love her. Wanted that attention and security of simply having someone.

Someone that was truly hers.

Sometimes Pearl would cry so violently in the shower it frightened her.

Because she wanted to be healthy.

she wanted to be worthy.

She was so afraid for the longest years of her life, that Rose was all she had. Now that she was gone. She was scared shitless. She was scared no one would need her or want her anymore. She held on to the lies because she wanted to believe them. That her life wasn't as shitty as it seemed. That Rose actually wanted her. Because if she didn't... then who would?

Is normality truly lost if you've never had it?

***

It was getting even worse than when she lived at home.

Pearl was somewhat of a perfectionist. Her mother was a huge influence in her life, she always had to have her say in every single little thing she did. Whether it be school work or friends. But the one thing she had trained Pearl well in, was cleaning. This wasn't just ordinary cleaning, oh no, her mother wouldn't let her go out until everything was done just so. If she didn't do it to her ridiculously high standards then she would make her start all over again. Pearl never knew the real reason as to why her mother did this, she assumed it was to make her a better housewife or some pretentious bullshit. It seemed to have gone away when she went to college, almost disappearing completely when she met Rose. But it had come back with a vengeance that Pearl despised. Whenever she was anxious or stressed she would start to clean obsessively. A nervous tick that she couldn't quite shake. It didn't matter what it was. She could be utterly exhausted but her hands would twitch, the sudden urge to dust or mop taking over. Her rationality convinced her that it was just mindless labour, something to stop her from thinking too much. In reality her knuckles ached with the cracks and sores caused by the constant use of bleach.

Unfortunately, this made living with her unbearable.

Especially when it concerned Amethyst. The teen would often leave a trail of messes wherever she went. Messes that Pearl would so diligently clean up. She would never complain, only grab her gloves before getting her supplies ready. The house in all honesty, had never looked this good in years. But it was starting to grate on Amethysts nerves. Even more so when she saw Pearl struggling, panting as she bent down to scrub the steps. Surely she was going to keel over from this much exertion? She just didn't seem to know when to quit. Garnet didn't want to address her problem, claiming she understood why she did it. That it was cathartic for her and gave her a purpose. Amethyst strongly disagreed.

After a couple of weeks it all came to a festering head. And all because of a clean floor.

Pearl stepped back to admire her work. Amethyst had trekked mud into the house after getting caught in the rain. It was smeared all over the glossy floorboards. She was glad for the mess, it gave her something to do that wasn't just hiding in Garnets room. She smiled, it almost sparkled in the sunlight. But... it didn't feel right. It felt like it was still encrusted with dirt. Pearl sighed, wiping her sweaty brow with the back of her hand. She started to fill the bucket up with water when the teen appeared. She had been silently watching Pearl the entire time, arms crossed over her chest.