𝗧𝗵𝗲 𝗠𝗮𝗿𝗸𝘀 𝗠𝗮𝗱𝗲

8. 𝗣𝗿𝗲𝗽𝗮𝗿𝗲 𝗙𝗼𝗿 𝗡𝗼𝘁𝗵𝗶𝗻𝗴

Mariana's POV

My hand shook as I held the blade. I seriously wasn't doing this, only I was. Moms let all of us have a razor to shave (all except Callie) and having access to it only made me want to cut more. Earlier this morning I had took the razor and smashed it in the drawer causing it to break and have the three blades fall out. I then wrapped up the blades in a tissue and stuffed it into one of my drawers.

Now here I was sitting on the bathroom floor at 10:37 later that same night. Callie was sleeping in moms room so no one would notice I was out of my bed and in the bathroom. No one seemed to think about me. Moms never really asked me about how my life was going. About my dumb girl problems and stupid drama. But to me it wasn't that. It was more. I felt lost. I always tried hiding the pain and instead focused on trying to fit in more.

It was weird to think Callie cut herself just like I was about to do now. I felt a wave of anxiety wash over me and my heart started to beat faster. It was almost excitement mixed with a deep fear I didn't know existed until now.

I pressed the blade a bit harder onto my skin getting ready to drag it across the skin on my wrist. Only something stopped me.

Maybe I should do it where it wasn't so obvious and easier to hide. Moms would notice if I started wearing long sleeved shirts.

I had shorts on right now so maybe I could just cut above where my shorts ended. No one would see anything.

I quickly stood up and pulled my shorts down and without even thinking it through, I felt the blade make contact with my skin.

I had done it. I saw blood slowly begin to seep out of the slice I had just made. It felt extremely warm. I felt goosebumps spread all over my body from being on the cold bathroom floor previously. My legs felt like jello. I was in denial that this was actually happening. Or that it had already happened.

Either way, I felt so awful and guilty yet so accomplished.

But was that it? Was that all Callie got from it. I guess I felt like there should be more to it. How was this supposed to make me feel better. Maybe I had to do it a few more times. Maybe one wasn't enough? Maybe two or three? Five, ten?

Before I could stop myself, the blade ripped across my skin again. This time a bit deeper. I had hit a whole new layer of skin underneath. I felt almost a shock go through my body.

I didn't want to do this anymore. I didn't like it. It made me feel worse if anything.

I carefully tucked the blade back into the tissue with the other two blades before wrapping it up and putting it by the sink. I then grabbed a tissue to clean the cuts. I looked down and saw the first cut wasn't bleeding a whole lot and a light layer of blood had already clotted up over it.

The second one however was more deep than I had planned and a dark red color was gushing out of it. This one would take a bit longer to clot. I didn't have any lights turned on but the moonlight from outside shone through the window. Just enough for me to see the blood start to run down my leg. It hurt really badly. I wish I hadn't done it now as I regretted it deeply.

I dabbed the tissue on the second cut. Now it was starting to feel tingly. It felt kind of cool. But emotionally, I didn't get how it could distract you or be an escape.

I kept dabbing the second cut and I could feel the blood getting a bit thicker and the tissue was starting to stick to the cut. Maybe I should have washed the cuts with water before. What if it got infected like Callie's did? Would I have to go to the hospital? But mine wasn't a big deal. It was only two cuts. Not a whole bunch at once like Callie's. I was ok. I was going to be fine.