ETHEREAL

CHAPTER 12

At first, Damien appears to be passed out with his cheek against the window. He stirs a bit, and I hope that he won't throw up in my Dad's Camry. Suddenly and earnestly, he blurts out, "I love you. I love you, because no one else looks out for me." I frown a bit because I know that isn't true, as his parents and friends must care for him, and it feels wrong to feel ecstatic that he is admitting his feelings for me, when I don't know if he truly means them, or if he will even remember this conversation tomorrow.

He follows it up with, "But, I don't want to love you," and my brief, transient hopeful feelings are crashed. "Do you love me? I want you. Why don't you play games with me?" I don't reply, as he seems to become increasingly, belligerently drunk as this never-ending drive through the rainy, mist-filled night continues. Games? Is all of this just a game to him? I look over at him. I guess that explains how hot and cold he is with me.

I begin to feel more and more frustrated with myself for falling for such an emotionally unavailable, broken boy, and I know that no matter what he would do to me, I would always love him, as I feel we are irrevocably connected. Or, am I just addicted to his games? Either way, I know that he will exploit my love for him, to get what he can from me.

    "Skye? Did you hear what I said? I said, I want you. I love you. Stay over. Come over. Fuck me. I fucking love you!" I roll my eyes, and pull up in front of his house. "I'm not leaving until you come with me," he begs.

"I'm going home," I flatly say. Justin and Spencer park Damien's car, and I watch his long legs, clad in those black, ripped skinny jeans, trudge along the steps to his apartment, and his red and white Supras drag along the cement. Somehow, he manages to make it look like a slow, languid runway walk. I thank Justin and Spencer, and drop them off at their houses.

    The next day, Damien texts me, and I'm dying to know if he will confess that he remembers what he said last night to me, and if he truly meant it or not. I don't know what I want the answer to that question to be.

Damien: heyyyyyy Skye... what happened last night?

    Of course he can't remember, or he is pretending not to, which may be another one of his "games." I roll my eyes and consider if I should just ignore the text for a while. Of course, I don't.

Me: you don't remember?

Damien: no? But thanks for taking my car back to my house, if that was you... my mom would've killed me if I came home without it - did you come to Maurel's party?

Me: yeah... I took you home.

    I chew on my lip and ponder if I should add the next part.

Me: you told me that you loved me and that you think I should play games with you

Damien: Lol

    I don't hear from Damien again for four days, and I'm not surprised. He can't commit to anything nor anyone, and I'm just a casualty in a long line of similar occurrences. Of that, I am sure. I spend my time working, doing chores, and checking on my UMD application status, as my father reminds me every day that I need to return to school, even though it is the last thing that I want to focus on. Is Damien just a distraction for my life, too? But, no, he isn't. I really feel a connection between us.

I feel like I spend every day arguing with myself; listing all of the reasons why I shouldn't love him. Reviewing, overthinking all of the Pros and Cons. I never win.

I live only half a life without all of you.

I feel like I'm being constantly monitored, judged, and critiqued by my parents, my fake friends. My mind buzzes persistently, until it finally calms down, when I'm with Damien. Or, does knowing him ultimately make it worse? The constant unknowing of where I stand with him.

I can't picture my future. I don't know what to do about my life, my career. I can't see myself living that long, for some reason. It just doesn't seem like a possibility. But, for Damien, with Damien, I want to exist forever. Live forever with him.

What am I doing besides loving him, though? In our future? If we have one together.

If I can't make it work with him, I don't care about anything else. Damien is the one person I have ever loved; the one person that I would continually try for, when I give up on everything.