ETHEREAL

CHAPTER 37

As happy that Damien made me, it was a false sense of happiness, because he would make me as miserable whenever I would find out the truth that he inevitably, always hides. I became the worst version of myself by trying to make him even more wretchedly miserable, then we would make up, and the whole cycle would continue. It was toxic and unhealthy, but it took me a long time to admit that to myself. I thought that we could save each other.

I feel like no one really understands me nor do they truly care about me, and he will never change. I feel like I can only trust my parents, and a few select people in my life, if that. I never want to be in love or become best friends with anyone, ever again, as they only end up betraying me.

Five years later, I have graduated with my Master's degree in IT from UMD, with a cumulative GPA of 3.9, and I feel overly done with living here, like I have worn out my welcome. I end up accepting an offer with a tech company to move my parents and myself to Armonk, New York - a small town that is an hour away from the city, and it is charming and woodsy. It has a Target, of course, with a cute little Main Street that is full of family-owned bagel and pizza shops. On the weekend, I daydream as I walk around the city and eat Pinkberry pomegranate frozen yogurt. I'm able to pay off my family's debt, besides my own, and I buy a brand new mansion for us to live in. It is everything that I ever wanted, and I try to ignore the gaping hole that Damien left.

While I lounge by my large outdoor pool, sipping a kale, pineapple and mango smoothie, I wonder how I ever spent so long waiting for Damien to treat me better, and for him to be a better person. At some point, I had to let go of his potential and accept the reality. Love isn't transformative. The love that I feel for him and the love that he supposedly feels for me will never make him want to treat me the way that I want and need to be treated. His cruelty is unmatched. He will always try to gaslight me and say that I'm crazy for not wanting to be treated so poorly. He will always be cruel and think of himself as the victim. He will always use things that I have confided in him against me. We would always be unable to move forward, because we can't communicate about our problems, without him seeing everything said as offensive insults. He can't help being bitter, malicious, patronizing, spiteful and cruel, but I drift into a daydream of a different, unreachable future for us. I wish that I could say that solely he ruined my life, but I was the one that continually gave him chance after chance that he did not deserve.

I don't want to fall in love with anyone and surrender myself over completely to them, ever again.

I don't want the memories of us, and all of my failed relationships and friendships to haunt me. But, how can I get close to anyone, when it always ends with them secretly hating me for some perceived slight?

I wish that I had more pictures of him and I, but he was immensely secretive - mostly because, how could he post pictures of us, when he always had several other groupies, waiting on the sidelines? That is just another stinging point of contention in our failed relationship that I have to eventually forget.

I feel ashamed that I wasn't there for my parents, especially my mom when she needed me, and I simply made my dad's life more stressful, with how both of them worried about me. I spent all of my time trying to save Damien, when I needed to save myself, and focus solely on my future.

Was I that desperate for love and friendship that I continually overlooked red flags in my relationships, in which I gave the benefit of the doubt to people that just wanted to use me for entertainment, money, shelter, and whatever else they could get from me? It is difficult to move on, when I had brief, transient glimpses of who Damien could be, and how blissfully happy that we could be, but it was a completely ignorant, ephemeral type of idealistic, fake happiness. I'm as foolish as he professes me to be.

I stare wordlessly into the distance and think about how the sunset will always remind me of him.

I was so focused on having fun and finding love that I ended up with a collection of fake friends and a toxic relationship, with a dwindling cash supply and barely a career to speak of.

I love Damien, but I have to love myself more.

THE END

Author's note: I think that it would be interesting to have a book from Justin's point of view, and even Damien's - maybe? I'm thinking to write Damien's novel under the title, "LIBERTINE."