Hi. I know you don't know me, nor do we follow one another. I know you're probably feeling angry, confused and resentful. You probably won't believe anyone when they say that they don't want you to commit suicide. You probably won't believe me, but I have been in the same boat.
When I was at school, I was bullied. I dreaded going to school and I dreaded having to sit on a table with those who only wished to cause me physical and mental harm. At the age of thirteen, in the late months of 2013, I was finally getting to the point I was tired of it all. I was tired of the constant jibes, of being hit with my own ruler that they would steal from my hands. I was tired of having to fight for my belongings, my hands covered in small scratches from trying to keep my things. I was tired of feeling alone.
One day, during a science lesson, I endured the same torment I had been suffering for almost two years. I had my pencil case thrown around between my bullies, I had my belongings stolen from my hand, and I had to listen to them as they told me everything that was wrong with me. I am glad I don't remember any of it, now.
I couldn't take any more. The tether that was keeping me alive was taut, close to snapping. Until I did. Everything that had been boiling within me for years suddenly came out in one single, heart breaking sentence:
"Maybe I should just die, then!"
I regret saying it to this day. Not just because of the response I got from them.
"Do it, then!"
They belittled me, telling me not to but in the wrong way. All they did was make me worse. I felt even worse over the weeks commencing where they would mock me for what I had said. I was still alive. Of course, they wouldn't take it seriously.
There were other instances where life was not worth living for me. I had friends who constantly judged every little thing I did to the point I began questioning my personality and everything about me. One of them graffitied on my schoolwork about me fancying another friend to the point he tore it up to cover up the evidence, then she proceeded to mock me about it the following days. The same friend accused me of saying that she had cancer over text, then turned the majority of our friends against me, all because she twisted my words.
At school, my life was made miserable. I didn't want to be there anymore, nor did I want to be around everyone who had dedicated so much of their time to making it the worst experience of my life.
Once I left school, it was a relief. I was going to be doing a course at college where no one knew me, and no one was from school. Well, apart from one, but he is alright. I thought things would be better, that I could reinvent myself and be okay. I was sixteen.
Things didn't just get better. They never do. When there's a storm, there is always an eye to the storm. In my case, it was the emotional baggage I left with. It took me years to find some inkling of happiness, to love myself and who I was. I had friends who built me up, a boyfriend who stood by me, even when he wanted to quit because of how much strain I was putting on the relationship with my thoughts.
From anxiety to depression, every little thing that was said to me battered against my head, causing a swirl of madness that was unrelenting. I didn't feel loved. I second-guessed everything I knew about people. I found it hard to trust anyone, nor did I want to trust anyone again in case they hurt me the same.
I felt adrift, lost at sea. There was no one who I felt loved me or cared for me, not even my parents when all they had ever done was show their support. I felt so done with everything. I felt the only way to stop the noise in my head was to get rid of myself.
Of course, I am still here, otherwise I wouldn't be telling you any of this. I was a broken shell of myself from the ages of twelve to eighteen. I wasn't happy, nor did I ever think that I could be happy again. I thought the noise in my head would always be there.
It got better; I promise you. It takes a while, but you eventually get there.
Why am I telling you this, you might ask? Why am I letting you in on some very personal things that happened to me? Am I seeking attention?
No. I want you to know that I understand how you feel. I understand what it's like to hurt, to feel that nothing I do is good enough. Many of us go through this rollercoaster ride in our lives, where our problems seem so big at the time, that there is no escape from any of it. There is an escape, but its not suicide. The escape has to come from you and whether you want to get better, most of the time. It doesn't happen overnight.
I am begging you, to rethink your decision. If you feel that this is the only way, make a list of all of the people who will miss you, of all the things you have yet to do. Think of what would happen if your parents last memory of you was your death, the way you died and seeing you lying there on the floor.
There are people in this world who only want to bring you down. You know why? Because you're amazing and talented and everything that person wants to be. They think by bringing you down, by saying and doing awful things, that it will cause a reaction. They don't understand what they are doing because they have not learned empathy, or are unable to understand what their actions and words will do to someone else. Honestly, they're not worth your time or your tears. They're bitter and jealous. If the best they can do is try to bring you down, then screw them for trying.
I want you to know that you are wanted and loved. If you commit suicide, there are a great many of us who would miss you. Even though I don't know you, I'd miss you, and I feel I'd be robbed of the chance to get to know you. I'm sure others would, as well. I'm also sure you're a wonderful person with so much to live for. Please don't allow whoever has hurt you to win.
I'm sure your parents would miss you, too. Your aunts and uncles, your grandparents and siblings. Is it worth putting them in pain over your death? They deserve so much more than no goodbye, or a goodbye on a piece of paper.
You deserve so much more in your life, as well. You deserve to be able to live and be happy and live life to the fullest. It is okay to feel what you are feeling. It will pass with time, even if it takes years. You will pull through. Your feelings are valid and you will be okay. You will make it through this.
In the end, it gets better. People are jerks. They always will be, but there are some lovely people, too. People who make mistakes and try to amend them by being better people. People who would surely care if you died. You deserve so much more than what these people are doing to you, whoever they are.
Keep fighting, even if it is the last thing that you will do. Fight for who you want to be and who you will be. Fight for the bright future you are carving out for yourself. Just, fight! You do have so much to live for. Don't throw your life away. Don't die. Like I said, you would be sorely missed by everyone that you happened to cross paths with. So, keep fighting, even when it feels pointless. It doesn't have to end here.
If you do make it through this to the sunny side of your life, I hope you know this experience doesn't make you weak. It makes you stronger, in every way that counts. You are so strong, and you probably don't even realise it. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. There were no truer words.
You are not alone. There are so many people that have been in your position and have made it to the brighter side of life. This is kind of normal, in a sense. Everyone is brought down by something at one point or another. The best thing you can do is keep battling the thoughts in your mind and battle the urge to do this. It won't make things better, but it'll make things worse.
I know you don't know me. I know you probably don't believe anything that I am saying. I didn't believe it when I was a teenager. I never believed anything would ever get better. From one survivor to, hopefully, another, it really does get better. You are truly loved, thought of and cared for. Otherwise, I don't think any of us would be creating this for you.
I hope things will get better for you and that you will reconsider your options - you have more than you know. You are not alone, nor will you ever be. You are strong. Keep fighting for everything you will be and the bright future that is in front of you. Stay safe, my friend. Keep going, no matter what roadblocks are in your way. You will make it through this. We all believe in you!
- Love, Delilah
