𝐬𝐨𝐮𝐥 𝐥𝐨𝐯𝐞 | 𝐧𝐨𝐞𝐥 𝐟𝐢𝐞𝐥𝐝𝐢𝐧𝐠

1:6

I heard the sound of Gracie's keys being tossed onto the kitchen counter and automatically knew it was late at night. The light had completely diminished from my bedroom as I relied on the outside light to illuminate my room. I was still sitting in an upright fetal position, feeling miserable, but I decided to get up and greet my cousin.

"Grace," I said as I reached the end of the staircase. "How was work?"

She was rummaging through our empty refrigerator, letting out a disappointed grunt as she closed it back up. "Could've been worse. There weren't many people shopping, but that's to be expected for a Monday night." She raised a hand to cover her mouth as she yawned, while the other reached behind her to grab her phone. "I'm completely knackered and don't feel like going out for food. Does Chinese sound good to you?"

"I literally have no idea what knackered means." Despite having British family, their extensive slang continuously confused me.

"It means I'm tired. Now you never answered my question about dinner." She was already punching in the numbers to the restaurant so I agreed, feeling like I didn't have much of a choice anyway. I just needed something to eat to counteract the wine in my near empty stomach.

Minutes later, we were both sitting at our little table eating our delivered dinner, Gracie ranting to me about how her manager was playing with the idea of further extending the store's hours, while Noel's goodbye was still ringing in my ears.

"What did you get up to while I was gone?" The sound of her cutlery scraping against the plate made me slightly tense up.

"Noel called. I think things are officially over with us."

"Maybe it's for the best, hon," she reached across the table to give my hand a squeeze. "I hate seeing you so torn up like this, if ending things with him will ease your hurt, then I'm all for it."

"Yeah," I bluffed. I knew I still loved him and truthfully yearned for him. Not being near him, talking to him on the daily, and visualizing him getting on just fine without me was what tore me up the most.

"Do you still have his clothes laying around? I'll tell you what we're going to do - I'm driving you to his tomorrow and you're going to give them back to him. There's no use of constantly being reminded of him, not to mention, it will give you some closure to help you move on."

Her proposed idea wasn't completely crazy and an excuse to see him again would give me at least a little more of a piece of mind. I complied with her plan, later collecting his sweatshirt and pants and putting them in a bag. The faint scent of his familiar cologne wafted past me as I packaged his clothes. I then took his ring into my hand and watched it fall as I dropped it into the bag as well.

This wasn't going to be easy for me. But then again, nothing ever was.

It must have been three in the morning when my poor decisions continued. I was lying in bed, scrolling through Facebook when I found myself typing in Jake's name in the search bar, fully aware that the curiosity was eating me alive. There was a blank loading screen and then his profile. The first thing that caught my eye was his profile picture - a candid photograph that I had taken of him while on one of our night drives. His toothy smile and a raised hand toward the camera, the white flash enveloping him while he sat in the dark of the car. If I tried hard enough, I could remember the sound of his laugh. Why he kept the same photo and hadn't changed it, I don't know. But it would be the same photo that his new girl fell in love with. It felt like a punch to my stomach.

The more I scrolled, the more I saw pictures upon pictures of Jake and his girlfriend. The same girl who replaced me stood at his side, cheerful smiles on both of their faces in every single picture and love in their eyes.

After we had split up, I knew I thought about him often, too often. Memories, both good and bad, tore at my heart to the point that made it hard to breathe. Now looking at his profile picture all these years later, it made me realize just how young and innocent we both were. It never would have worked with us anyway. I couldn't have imagined myself still with him, living in that same small California town. Even though Jake never apologized, it ultimately wasn't his fault. I'd given him too much power, built him up too much in my head, and as a result I think I ended up breaking my own heart, all by myself. As difficult as it was getting over him, that anguish and sadness was the driving force to start again. I had seen and experienced more things while living here than I had in all my years before that.

Since my breakup with Jake and leaving the States, I'd pursue my studies and strengthen my platonic relationships. I'd live in a city where I knew but one person and was given a new sense of purpose. There was a bigger world out there and I was now a part of that. No one could take that away from me, I had grown as a person in every way, and I hadn't yet registered that until now. As I was closing my laptop and putting it away, another thought occurred to me. It was no longer possible to deny something else that I'd been trying to push away. Since I'd been living here, I'd come to know what it meant to truly have a connection with someone. And it was with Noel.