Open Hearts Are Broken Hearts [ S.R ]

12. If You Meant It

"Why are you so mad at me?" Spencer closed your apartment door behind him after following you in.

You didn't even turn to look at him. You were that mad at him.

It was a month later, maybe 9:30pm on a Saturday. You had just finally returned from the case but it didn't turn out how you wanted.

"Oh so you're just going to ignore me now?" Spencer was getting upset too at this point. You heard him take his bag off and set it down along with his keys.

You set your bags down on the kitchen counter and knelled down to greet the four white paws running over to you. "Oh hello, baby Nova, I missed you so much!"

"So that's exactly what you're doing. You're just ignoring me but, oh, you'll pay attention to the cat," he could tell he was talking with his hands and you weren't even looking at him. He did it when he was anxious, but also when he was mad.

You stood up quietly, but still not facing him, but Spencer could just tell he hit a nerve.

"No Spencer, I'm not ignoring you," you saw him stand up taller when you said Spencer over Spence, like you ignited his fight or flight. "I just don't trust myself to talk to you right now."

"And why the hell is that?" he questioned stepping towards you.

You turned on your heels to face him, you knew your face read nothing but pissed off. "Cause I don't want to say something I'll regret."

"What the hell, Y/N. I didn't have a choice," Spencer was trying to defend himself and his actions.

You took a deep breath and looked up to meet his eyes, "Yes, you did. You had a choice. You just chose the wrong one."

"What else was I supposed to do?" he was actually curious what your response would be.

You started talking with your hands too. You did it when you were nervous, but you sure as hell did it when you were mad too. "Oh, I don't know, maybe not put your life and the whole team's life at risk? But that's just a thought, you know."

"I had to... I had to do it," he was genuinely confused why you didn't agree with him. His voice was barely even a whisper and he was looking down.

"No Spencer, you didn't," you were about to start crying as you headed back the hallway to your room.

"Y/N, just talk to me. I need you to understand why I had to," he was walking after you.

He barely made it to the kitchen counter when you stopped in your tracks and spun on your heels to face him. You started walking towards him with nothing but anger flooding through your veins. "No Spencer, you didn't need to do it. You didn't need to put your gun down while the unsub was pointing his at yours, especially when no one was there for back up. You didn't need to not tell the team what you were doing and put your life even more at risk but also theres too. You didn't need to do any of it."

You stopped 2 feet in front of him, arms crossed, and made sure he had to stare into the anger that filled your eyes and the soul behind them.

"What did you expect me to do Y/N? Hm? Let him shoot her?" he was raising his voice to match yours. The anger was flooding through his veins at this point too.

You dropped your arms to your side and rolled your eyes. He wasn't going to agree with you no matter what. You ran your hand through your hair as you shook your head and turned to walk away.

"Why do you care anyways?" he was still yelling.

"Why do I care?" you stopped walking. "Why do I care?" you said it louder and sterner this time as you turned to face him again. "Why the hell wouldn't I care, Spence? You had a gun to your head and no one was there to help you. You could have died and you didn't think twice before you did it. It was reckless. It put your life at risk and the whole team too."

"But why does it matter to you? It didn't put your life at risk," he motioned his hands towards you.

"Yeah Spence, it didn't put me at risk, but it put the closest thing I have to a family at risk. It put the one person in this world that I love at risk," you lowered your voice to say that sentence but you made sure he understood it the same way he had the others.

Spencer cocked his head and lowered his voice to match yours, "You love me?"

"Of course I love you, Spencer!" you were beginning to cry. "Why the hell wouldn't I? You're the only person in this world I care about! You're the only person who can make me smile and make me laugh. You're the first person I could genuinely see the rest of my life with. Why wouldn't I love you?" you were confused why he didn't think you did. You'd never said it before but you thought he always knew.

"Are you just going to ignore all those feelings, Spencer?" you continued. You searched for his eyes but he couldn't look at you. "That is what it is," you started tearing up as you said those words.

"You don't love me?" you were looking at him, completely dumbfounded. He couldn't even bring himself to look at you.

You had completely fallen in love with him and he didn't even love you back.

"Of course you don't. Why the hell would you. I don't know why I ever thought you would," you ran past him to grab your keys and purse off the counter. You headed towards the door, praying he would say something before you made it there.

"Y/N," it was practically a whisper but the silence ringing through the apartment made it sound like he was yelling. You stopped and turned to look at him.

The silence continued to ring through the apartment. "Say it," you were looking right into his eyes. "If you truly love me, it shouldn't be this hard."

You watched the tears fall down his face as he stared at you. He started to open his mouth but nothing came out.

You reached for the door knob behind you, "If you meant it, it wouldn't be this hard to say."