Open Hearts Are Broken Hearts [ S.R ]

14. I Don't Think It's Possible

"I need to put in my transfer request."

The other end of the line went silent.

"Oh, I uh," Hotch's voice returned, "I thought you were settling in quite well."

You wiped the tear forming in your eye with the back of your hand, "It's personal."

--------

You drove home from Emily's in silence. You had an hour to get home and ready before you had to meet Hotch.

As you stood in front of your apartment door, you prayed to yourself that Spencer had just gone home. You picked up your phone reading through his 13 unread messages.

S: Where did you go? (10:01)

S: Hello? (10:01)

S: Can we talk? (10:01)

S: Y/N? (10:02)

S: I'm still out front of your apartment (10:03)

S: I just want to know your okay. (10:04)

S: Y/N? (10:06)

S: Where did you go?? (10:07)

S: Just text me when you get these (10:09)

S: I went home (11:23)

S: Let me know if you want to come talk (11:24)

S: Y/N? (1:30)

S: Please just let me know you're okay (1:32)

You locked your phone, your hand reaching to unlock the door now that you knew he wouldn't be there.

You closed the door behind you and set your keys in the same place you had the night before.

Nova ran up to greet you. Although she didn't know exactly what was going on yesterday, when she heard the yelling, underneath the couch was her preferred location.

Her happy meows managed to calm the tears welling in your eyes. You scooped her up and planted a kiss on the top of her furry little head. Her purrs were the only thing that kept you from breaking down.

Just standing in that same place made you think about it. How could you be so stupid? It's all you kept asking yourself. How?

You set Nova back down and headed to your bathroom. When you got into the shower, you felt the warm water against your skin. The last true warmth you felt against your body was him.

It brought the tears back into your eyes. You sat down on the floor of the shower, the water hitting your hair as it fell across your face.

You had spent your whole life trying to get this position and now you had to optionally leave. All because of a stupid decision you made. The first rule at any job was to never get involved with a coworker. But you broke it, and now you had to quit the job your mom and you only ever dreamed of. You'd finally made it, finally made her proud.

But you couldn't face Spencer.

Not from across the conference table or the crack that broke your desks apart. You wouldn't ever be able to look at him knowing you loved him but he didn't care enough to love you.

So you had to do it. You had to be transferred.

There had to be at least one other place in the Bureau, right? One other place that didn't include Spencer Reid across your desk.

After you stopped your crying, you pulled yourself out of the shower. You dried your hair and opted for minimal makeup, including clear mascara this time. At least you learned from one mistake.

When you saw your watch strike noon, you decided to head to the cafe you planned to meet Hotch at.

You arrived early. You'd planned for 12:30 with Hotch but you sat in the booth by the window at more like 12:16.

You were picking at your cuticles when you heard Hotch's voice, "Hey Y/N."

You looked up to see a smile on his face. That was the first time in a while you saw him smile. He wasn't wearing his usual suit and tie, rather he opted for cargo shorts and a T-shirt. In your almost year now with the team, you'd never seen him like this, but it was his day off so it was only fair.

You dropped your hands off the table and slipped them under you thighs on the chair, "Hey, Hotch. Thanks for meeting me again. I know it's your day off and all."

"It's okay. Jack and Beth stopped for ice cream so it wasn't hard for me to sneak away," you could feel him trying to profile your body language.

You looked up from your hands that were now anxiously rubbing your thighs the same way they had on that case. You tried to block the memory out and focus on what was happening in front of you. "Oh, i'm sorry. I didn't mean to pull you away from Jack."

"Don't worry about it, I see him all the time and they said they were going to get ice cream for me too so I'll still get the quality time." He was being extra nice to you, you assumed he was trying to change your mind. "Well, I guess we should get down to business. Ice cream doesn't stay frozen long."

You smiled at him preparing yourself for what you had to say, "Of course. I- I want to request a transfer," he was profiling you again. "And as quickly as possible."

He stopped profiling you for a minute to return to his normal stern voice, "Can I ask why?"

"It's... personal." You could read the profile he had came up with in his head through his eyes. He knew it was more then just 'personal', but he didn't want to push you.

"You know whatever you tell me here stays between us," Hotch was trying to pry out what he knew you were hiding.

"I know. I just don't think it's relevant here," you explained,  giving a convincing smile.

"Okay," he said pulling the file from his bag. "We have a couple different placements still within Quantico but it would take a week or two to go into full affect."

You sighed. You really weren't going to be able to avoid Spencer.

"But we do have one spot. It's not at Quantico though. It's a press leading position at the Virginia Field office, about an hour from here," Hotch was sad he had to explain this position to you. He wanted you to stay at Quantico with him. He wanted more time to talk you out of it.

"That would be perfect!" you said with a smile. "How long would it take to go into effect."

Hotch sighed as he realized he wasn't going to talk you out of it, "They need to fill this position desperately so as early as Thursday."

"That's perfect!" you thought maybe it was going to be okay. "You don't happen to know how many vacation days I have?"

"Uh, you've accumulated 12 since you haven't taken a single one yet," he explained flipping through your file.

"Good, until I switch over officially, I want to take them. You said as early as Thursday so that should only be 3 or 4 of them," you said with a smile.

"Y/L/N, I want you to understand how much I want you to stay. I won't push you as to why you aren't, but the team is really going to miss you. You fit so well into the group. It will break their heart to know your leaving." He was trying to read in your eyes why you wouldn't stay.

Well, it sure wasn't going to break Spencer's heart since he'd already broke yours without a care, you thought. 

You were fighting back tears.

"I really wish I could, but I just don't think it's possible."