If I Ask You to Stay (A BTS Jin Fanfiction)

Chapter 28: Pain and the Past

(Bella) 

The next day I texted Jimin to meet me at a nearby park. We usually met at a park every October seventh. The accident had happened right in front of a beautiful, wooded park back home. We would bring along a few drinks and snacks and remember my brother's life. It was the one day when I allowed myself to feel the pain that I kept bottled up the rest of the year. Over time, the pain had begun to lessen. But this year, there was a little more pain that had nothing to do with my brother.

This park was on the other side of town from campus, so it was mostly deserted. We both sat on the bench facing the grove of trees at the park's center. This year instead of soda, Jimin had brought small bottles of liquor. He was already twenty-one. It was a cool, sunny Saturday, but it seemed a dark cloud hovered over us. We sat in teary-eyed silence lost in our own reveries for what seemed hours before Jimin lifted his bottle and looked at me.

I clinked mine with his. "To Troy," he said. "We miss you, brother." We both knew that drinking to the memory of someone who had died in a drunk-driving accident was incredibly tactless, but the wound in our hearts demanded something that would numb the pain. "As you can see, I am still by Bella's side. I promise to take better care of her."

I chose not to react to his comment. "We love you, Troy," I added. "But don't worry, we're not driving. We'll take the bus home." We both nodded and downed our bottles. I coughed a little then reached for the snacks I had brought. "Here, you better eat something. You're still hungover from last night."

Jimin took the bag of fruit from my hands. "Thanks." He looked off into the distance. "Bella, I'm sorry if I acted like an idiot last night. Namjoon left me an angry note on my nightstand. At least I think it was angry. Sometimes he uses words that no one understands."

"Well, he is hoping to become a famous writer one day," I said.

"He actually sent in a novel to a publishing house at his professor's suggestion," Jimin said. "I'm sure he'll be famous in no time." He paused. "He's very perceptive. He knows that something is bothering me, and I think he realized that I was in bad shape at this same time last year, too. At the end of his Pulitzer Prize-type note, he told me to confide in him and that he wants to help me with whatever is going on."

"Maybe you should talk to him about this. He might understand."

"But I have you," Jimin said. "I talk to you, and you understand. I don't need anybody else. Really."

I took a deep breath. "Okay, then what about counseling? It might be very helpful for you to---"

"No!" he interrupted me. "I don't need to see a shrink. I can handle it. I mean, aren't you studying to be a counselor? I have you. You're all I need." He leaned closer to me. Then he tugged on my hair gently until I turned my face to his. His eyes were shiny with tears. He touched my lips with his.

I moved away and shook my head. "Please listen. You need someone else to talk to, someone not so close to this painful event. A psychologist or psychiatrist might be able to help you better. Maybe we both need to talk to someone else." I hoped that he would agree, and that we would no longer have to go through this yearly episode of guilt and blame. "Please, Jimin. It's time for us to move on."

"Oh, I see," he said. I knew from his tone that he was starting the argument already.

This was part of the routine. He would get angry and hurl accusations and insults as if purging himself. I knew he didn't mean what he said, but he needed to vent his guilt and sadness. After he was done, he always apologized. And I always forgave him.

"You think we should talk to others and move on. Who is this other person for you? Is it Seokjin?" he asked in a sharp voice. My silence fueled his anger. "So you want to send me off to some shrink, and you will just run to your precious Jin, is that it? I bet I know what kind of therapy he'll be giving you. He'll be happy to make house calls."

"Stop being so crude," I replied. "That is not what I meant at all."

"Don't be fooled by him," he continued, his face twisted in anger. "He can have any girl he wants...and probably has. You're not special to him. You're just a challenge because he thinks that you're with me. Girls are just a game to him. Have you fallen for him? Has he already slept with you?"

I scowled at him. "No! You are being more incredibly rude than usual! He's been a gentleman, which you are not being right now!"

"So he hasn't kissed you?" he sneered. He must have seen my face turning red because he let out a frustrated grunt. "I knew it! Did he just crook his finger and you went running? Did you just lay down for him like all the other girls do? Ha! I should've known. He's fucked you, hasn't he? Don't lie!"

"Shut up! It's not like that!" I exclaimed, yet I cringed thinking about the way things had ended between Jin and me last night.

"You know, he says he's never liked any of those girls who do that, the ones who are easy. He hates them, actually. Kim Seokjin is not destined to marry a slut. Oh, no! He'll never call you back," he said through clenched teeth. "You've shamed yourself for nothing! Troy would be so disappointed in you right now!"

I couldn't help it. I went off-script and slapped him across the face. His eyes got wide as he lifted a hand to his cheek. "This is the last time, the last time, Park Jimin, that I will allow you to insult me just to make yourself feel better!" I inhaled and lowered my voice. "I can't do this anymore. The anger, the bitterness, the insults...they won't bring Troy back, and they don't make either of us feel better. You need to get help. I can't be your punching bag anymore. Do you think this is what Troy wants? Do you think he wants you to hurt his sister?"

Jimin's dark eyes filled with tears. He looked down and began sobbing quietly. "I'm sorry, Bella. You know I didn't mean it." His shoulders were shaking. "I'm so sorry! I don't know...I don't know what to do. I miss Troy. I miss us. Sometimes I just want to die, but thinking about you always makes me change my mind. Only you. I'll do whatever you say. But, please, stay with me."

I sighed. I should walk away. I should say no and walk away. I have said what I needed to say, and I should walk away. I should run to Jin and apologize and tell him that I wanted to be with him, that I loved him. He meant so much to me! But was it too late? Gretchen's ballad came into my head: My peace is gone. My heart is heavy. If I don't tell Jin that I love him, I will die! My sadness will go on forever.

Instead of running away, I put my arms around him Jimin, and he buried his face in my shoulder, still crying, still apologizing. I smoothed his hair as if he were a child. "It's okay," I said softly and hugged him tighter, letting my tears fall. For my brother. For Jimin. For myself. For Jin. For the love I would never have. I was such a coward. "I'm here. Don't worry."

Then I let him kiss me again.