If I Ask You to Stay (A BTS Jin Fanfiction)

Chapter 29: Falling Apart

 (Jin) 

It was Saturday night. But instead of being with Bella, as I had envisioned this weekend would go, I was sitting at a bar with Namjoon and Taehyung. I kept replaying last night's scene over and over. She thought I was handsome and, therefore, a nice distraction for the night. How could I have been so wrong again? How could I have misread everything? How did she manage to fool me? I wondered if I would ever learn my lesson when it came to women. I should stop hoping to have a meaningful relationship. Women just wanted me to fuck them. I signaled the waitress for another round and saw the guys look at each other.

"What?" I asked loudly. "Do you all of a sudden not drink?"

Tae looked down. "No, it's not that. It's just that I think you're drunk. You need to slow down."

"Nonsense!" I said. "I'm fine. Really."

"You still haven't told us what happened," Namjoon said.

"Who said something happened?" I asked sharply. "What could have p-possibly happened? Huh? Can't a guy just want to have fun with his friends?" The waitress transferred the drinks from her tray to our table. I placed my hand on her arm and winked at her. Her eyes went wide then she gave me a little grin. "Don't go too far, honey," I said to her. She nodded and left.

"What was that all about?" Namjoon asked, staring after the waitress. "Are you hitting on the waitress?"

I took a drink. "Why? Do you want me to ask if she's got friends?"

"Seokjin," Taehyung said. "It appears that something is definitely wrong. Also, you shouldn't be harassing ladies at their workplace."

At some point, Hoseok and Yoongi arrived. We called for another round of drinks, or I think I did. This time, after the waitress placed the drinks on the table, she slipped a piece of paper into my hand and leaned down to whisper something into my ear. What it was, I wasn't sure, but I got the gist from the look in her eyes. When I looked up, all the guys turned their faces away, pretending that they weren't looking.

"Drink up! I see Jimin's not here," I said. "And Jungkook...well, I guess he can't be here, but where is my good friend Jimin? My pal." I looked at the new arrivals. "I know that one of these guys must have called you to come over. Is this some type of...of intersection, uh, intervention?"

"Do you need one?" Yoongi asked.

"Why? Because I'm drinking?" I asked, offended. I waved the piece of paper. "Or because I plan on getting laid tonight? I wasn't aware either of these were illegal or...or whatever."

Hoseok cleared his throat. "No one is trying to stop you from your drinking or your...other activities. But you've been drinking all day. I had lunch with you earlier, and you ordered several drinks. It's not like you to do that in the middle of the day."

"What's wrong, bro?" Namjoon asked again. "Just recently you were walking on air. What's wrong? We know this is not you."

"Maybe this should be me, Joon," I replied. "Maybe it's time for me to stop being such a lame ass and do whatever the hell I want."

"Don't you always do whatever the hell you want?" Yoongi asked. His tone sounded belligerent.

"Do I?" I glared at him. "I don't know what you all think, but...but I never...I always...hell, no one cares." I took another drink.

"What is it that you want to do?" Hoseok asked. There was concern on his face. "What is it that you can't do? Does it have anything to do with the girl from last week?"

"What girl last week?" Taehyung asked, surprised.

I saw Namjoon lean over and say something in Tae's ear. Tae's eyes widened, and he stared at me.

Hoseok frowned. "Seokjin, we have always looked up to you because you have always been a straightforward type of guy. You are private about your feelings, but if there's something we can help with, we will. That's why we're here."

"Then tell me where Jimin is?" I asked again. "Who's he with?"

I saw that they glanced at each other in confusion.

"We don't know," Tae answered at last. "He left the apartment this morning, and I haven't seen him since. He hasn't answered my texts except to say he's fine." He looked at the others. "Do you...want us to find him?"

"Find him?" I sneered. I knew where he was. He must be with Bella. She had promised to see him today with that gentle voice of hers--oh, so sweet! So deceptive! But she had chosen him and told me that I was nothing to her except a distraction. I'm the handsomest guy anyone's ever seen, but everyone assumes that all I want is a good time. Maybe my father was right. I should stop trying to find someone who cared. But was I ready to give up on love forever? Why can't I find someone who loves me? "Why can't I find someone?" I must have said it out loud because the guys looked at me strangely.

"If it's that important, we'll find him," Namjoon said. "Come on, guys."

"No!" I said loudly. "I don't want to find anybody. Especially not Jimin. I'm sure I know where he is. You know that, Joon. You heard him say it last night. I know you did. But, you know, I don't care!" I finished my drink. "I don't care! Why should I...? Where's that girl?" I looked around the room. "I'm the...handsomest guy anyone's ever seen, right? What do I care if she's with him?"

"You're not making any sense," Yoongi said. "Maybe we should take you home."

I shook my head. "No. I have a date. She wants to go out with me," I said, holding the paper up. "See? I think I deserve some fun tonight." Before I realized it, I was laughing out loud. Except that inside I wasn't laughing. I was hurting. I laughed only to cover up my true feelings because nobody wants to hear a handsome guy complain about a broken heart. So I laughed louder.

The people at the next table turned to stare. I felt myself being lifted up from my seat. Arms were holding me up on both sides. I saw Namjoon speaking to the cute waitress that had given me the note. The guys pulled me out the door. "W-Wait! My date...she's w-waiting," I stuttered.

"He's wasted," Yoongi said disapprovingly.

"Yeah. I told that girl that it wouldn't be tonight," Namjoon said.

"You moron! You told her what?" I yelled. "What the hell is going on? Why can't you leave me alone? Is it my fault that you can't get girls of your own?" I could feel them pulling me along, a little rougher now. "Freaking losers! Let me go! Why did she leave me? Why did she...? Cara mia? I shall never...find peace. My heart..."  I couldn't think straight. Words were jumbled in my brain.

"Shut up, Seokjin," Yoongi growled. "I'm almost glad that you'll have a massive headache tomorrow."

I tried to talk, but it seemed such a chore to make sounds.

When I woke up the next day, I was sprawled on my bed. I tried to get up, but my head felt like a balloon, and I groaned with the pain. This time I knew I was alone. There would be no beautiful girl to bring me water or a pill to make me feel better. I had gambled, and I had lost. My father was right all along. Girls don't care about my feelings. They just want the image, the illusion, the fantasy. They would never stay.

After many failed attempts, I was able to shuffle slowly to the kitchen to get a glass of water. When my headache had subsided, and I'd forced myself to eat some toast, I sat at the table with my laptop and pulled up the Franz Schubert ballad that was Bella's favorite classical song.

When I finally shut my laptop, fat tears were running down my cheeks. I had replayed the song three times before I realized that Bella might have yearned for such an experience, but I was the one living it.