Ravens and Crows

Chapter 18 ~Ronan~

Last night opened my eyes on some matters that I hadn't wanted to think about. The most tormenting one: my brother.

Not Declan, if I didn't see him again it would be too soon, but Matthew. If me going to the past somehow fucks up my dreams, then he would...well...

While everyone else was asleep in the house I snuck out to the backyard and into the large barn where I kept my dreams. I still couldn't figure out a way to wake dreams back up. I had tried it with my mom and failed and was currently trying it with my father's old cows, but still no success.

If my dreaming was disrupted two things could happen: one, the normal option; Matthew and the rest of my dreams fall into a trance but if put in Cabeswater are able to wake, two, since I was doing something no dreamer has ever done- not that there are records of this type of stuff- everything I had ever dreamt could...vanish.

I sat in the chair at the desk in the extra room of the barn. If I pulled something out now, something useful, it would probably push back the date for the gang to go back to Ketledarn or wherever they're from. But if I don't try then Matthew, Opal, and Chainsaw could all be gone when I got back.

If I got back.

I grabbed a stack of papers next to me and threw them across the room. "Damn it!"

I threw my head in my hands. "Happy now, Adam?" I mumbled. "I'm thinking about it."

I rubbed a hand over my shaved head. It wasn't Adam's fault, I should've thought about Matthew myself, but I didn't because I think, in the back of my mind, I knew there was nothing I could do.

"Knock, knock,"

I looked up to find Richard Cambell Gansey III knocking on the door to the extra office.

I narrowed my eyebrows at him in wonder.

"I'm insulted," he dramatically put a hand to his heart. "Did you forget you are not the only insomniac in this group?

I smiled. "How could I? We've had so many delirious 3 am conversations."

He smiled at that. "You know, I though it'd get better after finding Glendower- or lack thereof- but I feel like it's worse. Or at least the same. The thoughts of Glendower that used to swim in my head at night have just been replaced with other ones."

I got up from the chair and leaned against the wall next to him. "Like?"

"What are you? What happened to Glendower? Where's Noah? How did Noah come back-ish? Why did he leave? Why did Cabeswater bring me back? Why can't I remember dying?"

"You don't remember dying?"

Gansey shook his head. "I remember a really good kiss, a second of black, and then the trees of Cabeswater."

I shrugged. "Maybe that is dying. Do you remember anything from the first time you died?"

Gansey though about it. "No, I remember a lot from that day, but I don't really remember the actually being dead part. It felt like a blink."

We were silent for a moment until Gansey finally asked. "What were you thinking about?"

"Matthew."

"Why?"

"Adam brought up a point last night that I hadn't thought of, or neglected to. He said what if, when I go back to the past, something happens to Cabeswater. And that got me thinking, what if something happens to all of my dreams."

"You're afraid Matthew's going to die."

I nodded.

Gansey thought for a second playing with his lip, then exhaled. "I can't help you with that."