It's Me, Again

Ch. 27 (Dylan)

I don't know why, but for some reason I switched on music when I got back to my apartment after a night out with the guys. Normally, I turn on the tv or a Spotify playlist, but I noticed the time and decided to go to the radio station's streaming service. As teenagers, Kate and I would spend hours listening to music together on the phone.

The end of Harry Styles' "Watermelon Sugar" plays as I change out of my clothes.

"Our next song is a request from Kate to Dylan. She says, "To Dylan from Kate, I've always been here."

Halsey starts singing, "Be Kind" and I stand mouth open in the middle of my bedroom with my t-shirt half off.

Kate is calling me out on my past behavior and through this song telling me to cut out the self-sabotaging and just give in to being vulnerable. I think I've already accepted this so instead of feeling defensive I feel like this is a step in the right direction. If I'm to take the lyrics literally, she is telling me that she's a safe place for me to let go and be myself. No walls. No excuses.

I might not know what the future holds or how everything is going to turn out, but there is one thing that I am absolutely positive about. I love Kate and I will do whatever I have to do to be the man worthy of her love. I will spend every day for the rest of my life showing her that I'm not that guy with his eyes closed to the one he loves.

****

The week leading up to the concert I acted as normal as possible. I saw Kate, but not alone. We went out for food and drinks with Sarah, Josh, and Mallory. The excitement was building with each day that brought me closer to the concert and with it an increasing amount of anxiety that bordered on nausea on the day of.

"Does Kate's boyfriend know she's going to a concert with you?" Josh didn't know this, but the mere thought of this question was making me even more queasy.

"She told me she was planning to tell him that we're going as friends. I don't know if she told him or not though," I shrugged.

"She's planning on breaking things off with him though, right?"

"I don't know, that's what you told me! She hasn't actually said that to me. I only know that because Mallory told you and you told me." I was starting to get frustrated now and a little bit guilty for snapping.

"Oh yeah. Sorry. And I wasn't even supposed to tell you that so you didn't hear a thing from me."

I roll my eyes, "Yeah, yeah."

"I'm serious. Mallory will kill me if she finds out I told you."

"Relax, I won't tell anyone what you told me. And I'm not getting my hopes up. Kate said she was telling Carter we're going together just as friends so this isn't exactly a date or anything." No matter how much I wished it was.

I hadn't told Josh or anyone about the song request and dedication. The whole thing gave me some hope but it was the kind of feeling that felt incredibly private. I didn't want to share this with anyone. It felt like if I said it aloud or shared it with someone the feeling would float away and I wouldn't be able to hold on to it. But, if I keep it inside I can hold onto the feeling.

****

The evening of the concert, I check the weather one last time before heading out. It's supposed to be a beautiful night, which I'm so thankful for. The concert is outdoors in a football stadium and the last thing I wanted was to stand out there in the rain. I look over my appearance in the mirror one last time. Jeans, a white tee, and neon Nike's I just picked up. I look at my watch really quick and see that I've got a few minutes before I need to go pick up Kate. I give myself a little pep talk in the mirror.