My Name is Joseph

Coming to Terms Part 2

Alex had been better since that day--even though it had taken quite a lot of time to smooth things out with the sergeant. However, when the sergeant had understood what had caused Alex's reaction, he had let him off with a few days of extra duties and the promise of therapy with a psychologist. At the beginning, Alex had not been very keen on it, but Jonathan had noticed a difference after a few sessions. He seemed calmer and more able to contain his anger. This did not stop all lapses, but there certainly was a change.

Jonathan tried his best to always be there for Alex, but he still very rarely wanted to talk about personal things. After a few days however, Alex had again asked Jonathan about God, which cheered him up considerably because it seemed that Alex was actually staying true to his promise to "think about it". They then started having frequent conversations on the subject, and many times Jonathan would find Alex in their room thinking or reading something in the Bible that Jonathan had recommended. But he still did not seem ready to give himself to Jesus. Even though that was true, Jonathan was praying and glad for the changes that had happened even now.

Alex also seemed to have channeled all his energy and brain-power into his training. Jonathan was not surprised, then, when Alex ended up being the best of the cadets at the end of their training both physically and strategically. He had congratulated Alex, teasing that he had not been lying about his high-school valedictorian achievement. Alex had merely snorted playfully and slapped Jonathan on the back.

They were now back on a bus, on their way to a military base on the southern coast. Jonathan was extremely thankful that he and Alex had been posted at the same place. Ironically, so had Owyn, the boy Alex had punched a couple of months before and then become quite good friends with.

The three of them were sitting near each other in the van, Alex next to Jonathan and Owyn across the isle. Owyn's eyes were closed and was breathing deeply, signalling his sleep, while Alex had his eyes closed but was not sleeping, if Jonathan was any judge. Jonathan sighed and laid his head back. He was satisfied. He had his two friends with him on his way to do what he had always dreamed of doing. He whispered a prayer to himself; the only thing he was waiting for now was for Alex to give himself to Jesus.

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I was not asleep, as I suspected Jonathan knew. He had shared a room with me long enough to be able to tell, but I did not want to talk right now. I was too busy thinking about everything that had happened in these last almost-four months. After my breakdown when I had punched Owyn, which I honestly still wanted to punch myself for, a lot had changed. I had been talking to the psychologist, I had started channeling my anger and pain into energy. I had therefore managed to do really well.

I had not wanted to think anymore about God, but that infernal prick of light in my heart would not let me not think about him. So, I had. And ever since then I had been somewhere half-way between ignoring him and wanting to follow him. Jonathan was always open to talk to me, and even just the way he treated me made me wonder if God really was worth following. It also did not help that both Owyn and the psychologist turned out to be Christians as well. Actually, when I had found out that Owyn was a Christian, I had nearly groaned allowed. Owyn's unrepentant grin and the gleam in his eye said that he and Jonathan had already discussed the repercussions of this.

The pain and anger of what my brothers had done was still there, but I rarely ever had to fight it. I had been able to channel it. The only time I truly felt relief, however, was when Jonathan and I talked about God. This was the reason I was now contemplating in the van, not wanting Jonathan to talk to me. Last night I had had another dream. Another one! The fourth in my life--and only four months after my last one.

It had started just like the last one. Myself in a nice car and walking into a huge building in which my brothers waited, but this time, I was not dressed in a suit. I was dressed in a army uniform--one that signified high rank. Many medals were pinned on my jacket. Whenever I tried to see what my rank was, however, my eyes blurred. When I saw myself in the glass of the building, I started. Not only did I look a lot older, maybe around twenty-seven, but I would not have known it was me except for the fact that I was in my body. I looked to be even taller than I already was, very muscular, and quite tanned. My face was rugged and had lost all of its baby-look. I also sported a pair of large, stylish glasses.

I had gone into the building again, and my brothers had again saluted me. However, the dream did not end there. After my brothers saluted me, everything around me faded away, and I was in a white room, or expanse, or something. I could not see anything except for white. After only a few seconds I needed to shut my eyes against the brightness. Then a soft voice broke into my thoughts, "It will come true. I always keep my promises, Joseph. Always. You can trust me."

Everything had faded again and then I had woken up, breathing hard and sweat dripping down my forehead. The first thought in my mind was the verse that Jonathan had recommended the night before, "Never will I leave you, never will I forsake you." He had said I could trust him. But could I?

I was struggling in myself. It sure did not feel like I could, but it is true that I had seen the army in my dream before my brothers kidnapped me, and now I was in the army. Perhaps that was proof that God had been forewarning me of something. Also the fact that I had my dream only a few days before this whole fiasco had happened. And this is the first time I had ever heard someone speak to me in a dream. It seemed that God was trying to prove something to me, but I was not sure I was ready to let go. Ready to trust. Ready to forgive.

When those thoughts came into my mind, another part of me immediately argued. What about Jonathan and Owyn? They had been with me the whole time, almost as if sent by God. They had both been willing to forgive me immediately, even after I had been terribly mean to them many times. Plus, the youth pastor at my old church had always said that forgiveness does not have to start with feelings. It was a choice, right? It did not mean my pain would be gone, but it would help, maybe?

I sighed as I opened my eyes to watch the trees and hills outside the van sliding by. Maybe I should talk to Jonathan.