Atonement

•23•

"Y-you remember?" I ask.
"Aurie I'm so sorry that was so inappropriate and uncalled for I just drank too much and started talking." He shakes his head.
"So.." I trail off. "You don't like me?"
He stands there quietly, obviously having a tough conversation with himself in his head.
"I know I shouldn't." He starts. "But Aurie, I do. I started falling for you which I didn't expect at all.. I've never felt for anyone the way I feel about you, and I don't really understand it, or why it's happening, but I do.."
as I stand in front of this boy, The boy I hated with everything in me a month ago, the boy that stole my job and made me so angry and aggravated, I can't help but feel the exact same way. I feel the same way because he's also the boy who makes me feel strong, and happy. He makes me laugh, and he cares. Haz believes in me, and even going through all the shit happening right now, he makes me feel grounded.
All this time he's been right here in front of me.
I wrap my arms around his neck, leaning in to press my lips against his. He kisses me back hard, his hands tangling in my hair as his lips glide against mine. Then his movements stall, and he pulls away from me with a huff.
"W-whats wrong?" I ask, looking up into his sky blue eyes.
"Aurie.." he sighs. "You don't want to be with me."
"What?"
"I just saved you, you're overwhelmed, you have adrenaline, you're not in the right state of mind to make any decisions right now." He says.
"But I know how I feel-" I say.
"Darling believe me, I want nothing more than for you to be mine.. but right now isn't the time for that."
His hand runs through my hair, then cradles my cheek. He really is a good guy. He just doesn't want me rushing into anything right after a trauma and he's absolutely right.
"Okay." I nod.
"Now.. what the fuck were you thinking? Going to meet with someone like that?!" He exclaims.
Well.. I saw this coming.
"I just wanted to prove I could deal with something on my own." I sigh.
"You scared the shit out of me.. you can't do that." He says.
"I know- I just- I wanted to be the person I thought I was, but I'm not." I shake my head. "I was raised to think that this is what I'm good at, and this is who I am.. but it's just not. I suck at this Haz.."
"A man twice your size kidnapped you. That is not on you and that does not define who you are as a person. If you don't like this life anymore then fine, we can find your thing, but don't let that asshole ruin your self esteem."
Haz's words sit well with me, making me smile. He's truly one of the most supportive people I've ever met. Especially compared to the cocky asshole attitude he gave me when we first met.
We've come a long way.
"Thanks Hazzy." I smile.
"You're not going to call me that." He states and I laugh.
"Yes I am, Hazzy." I tease.
"Hmm well.. only when we're alone." He compromises.
"Why? Worried all the guys will make fun of you?" I ask.
"No one will take me seriously if you're walking around calling me Hazzy."
____
After the drugs have fully worn off, I feel very uncomfortable. Partly from the pain of my injuries, and partly because he keeps those drugs in my system for 10 hours. Drugs that strong can cause some awful affects for a few days afterwards, I'm lucky they didn't kill me.
I can't sleep, it's four in the morning and all I've done is sit outside on the balcony from my bedroom. The cold air hits my skin as I stare out at the moon that lights up the night sky, just remembering my life a month ago. Everything was so calm, my dad took care of any problems and I never had to worry about anything. Then my dad died, my mother showed up, I killed her, And I got kidnapped.
Crazy how quickly things can change.
If I could go back and change one thing, it'd be to ask the man that killed my father why he did it. I was so angry, so upset, that I just had him murdered. I didn't even get to ask why.
I'm so lost in my thoughts, I don't even realize there's a few tears slipping down my cheeks. I wipe them away quickly, and hear a window a few rooms down opening.
"Yeah Harry it's fine." I hear Tom say.
Why is he on the phone at this time of night? Why is he even awake at all? He must be having a hard time sleeping too.
"I mean some crazy shit went down today. Had this psychotic girl not gone off being stupid it wouldn't have happened."
I feel a piece of me break a bit at the comment that's obviously about me. Psychotic? I'm far from that.. I made a mistake. Everyone makes a mistake that doesn't make me stupid.
"Yeah Haz had to give this guy three million all because she messed up."
Now the tears were really coming down. I stand up, walking into my room and shutting the door behind me, not wanting to hear any more of what Tom has to say. All this time I thought he was my friend when in reality he's just a fake, judgmental asshole.
What makes him think that talking about me like that is okay? And why even pretend to be my friend? Does he really think that way of me?..
I crawl into my cozy, warm bed, pulling my blankets over my head, trying to drown out the world and fall asleep, but Toms words still echo through my brain.
I've never had someone think so little of me before, and hide it so well..