Light Upon Light

Epilogue

So this whole saga started out with me being sent back to my hometown because I transgressed. A move that I resisted so much. To this day I keep wondering, if Dad had not been so insistent, if Mom had not supported him... Would I be who I am now?
Well I have to say probably not, considering I am on my way to the hospital because whoa those contractions are the real deal. Allah knows. I don’t even know why I am thinking of things that took place nearly ten years back when there’s a tiny human on the way out through me.
“Oh my Allah, I don’t know if I can do this!” I cried as I clutched my dear husband’s arm.
“You certainly won’t if you won’t let go of me, let me drive Juni, with Allah’s help you’ll be fine,” Zaid said and I released him. I was probably hearing things but it also sounded like he was sighing in relief.
“I am starting to think I am designated delivery driver for the women of our families,” he remarked with a chuckle.
It did bring a smile to my face. There was the time when Di gave birth to Asiya. Then just last week when he drove Bhabhi to the hospital and we welcomed baby Isa. Baithun Noor has been home to two pregnant ladies and that was a joy ride. Ii had stayed in Ashiana for the last two weeks though. Dadi hasn’t been keeping well and off late and I wanted to be with her...
The next few moments were a blur really. We got to the hospital, reached the gynecology department and I was taken to the labour room. Some time later (read 14 hours) a dead beat me cried tears of joy as I heard my baby’s cries.
“Congratulations Junaina, it’s a girl they said,” and brought her to me.
First thoughts: delicate, so pink and I knew it.
Zaid said it would be a boy. I was praying for a girl. I wanted to smile smugly. Only I was too exhausted. Several more hours later, baby and I were in the room. Even if I was in the bliss of holding my baby in my arms finally, I could tell something was off. Zaid was pacing the room. He was distraught. He had a very bad poker face and I knew something was up. Even if he wouldn’t say anything, I knew things were bad because few of my family visited. Haseena Ammi was staying with me instead of Mum. They wouldn’t tell me what was wrong. I had a feeling... I just didn’t want to confirm it.
Ammi had gone to the prayer room, so it was just me and baby and Zaid.
“Is everything okay?” I asked finally, I was getting tired of his pacing.
“What? Yeah. No. Everything is fine.” He said running his hands through his hair, pulling at the ones on his nape. Some things don’t change, no matter how many years have passed.
“Zaid.”
“Okay. No. Something’s up...”
“Dadi?” my voice broke as I asked him about my worst fear.
He sighed and sat next to me. Taking my hand in his he said, “her condition has worsened. Mom thinks ...”
“What Zaid?” I could feel my heart rise up to my throat.
“Mom thinks, it won’t be long...” he sighed and looked to the side as he blinked away his tears.
Ammi walked in just then and it didn’t take long for her to figure out. She was by my side in moments and pulled me in her embrace. Stroking my hair gently she said, “make duaa beta, when Allah’s time comes there isn’t anything we can do but make duaa.”
“I want to go home,” I mumbled through the tears, even as I watched my little one take her shallow rapid breaths.
Neither mother nor son argued. They knew Dadi was my lifeline. She meant as much to them as she did to me. She held sway over all our hearts and yet she loved us all more than we ever could her.
I remember the day of my wedding, it was so hard to let go of her and get into the car with Zaid. I was going next door, I could waltz back into Ashiana anytime and she would welcome me with open arms. But I couldn’t help but cry as she pulled away and put my hand in Zaid’s and said “Take good care of my child Zaid, or you’ll have this Dadi to answer to. May Allah bless you both with the best of both worlds.”
I remember the day when I had my first big fight with Zaid and I stormed home all the way to Dadi’s room and cried my heart out. She said nothing, waited for me to finish. And then all it took was that twinkling gaze of hers for me to spill my heart, and seek her help. She told me to be patient, to accept my mistakes and apologize first.
I remember the day when I told her I was pregnant. She was so overjoyed, she wept and then she was praying two rakahs in shukr. She was teaching me even then to always turn to Allah first. Always.
She would call me if I didn’t visit her and she would remind me to nourish my little one’s soul, just as much as I would nourish her body. She would remind me to recite Qur’an and my adhkaar, to not let fatigue stop me from reciting just one verse at least.
I remember how two days back when my contractions had first started, she told me to breathe and be calm. She told me to seek Allah’s help and protection. Throughout the last ten years that has been her ultimate lesson for me. For all of us.
So even though my heart shook with fear and pain, I continued to practice what she taught me. I waited as patiently as I could while Zaid got my discharge papers ready the next day. I tried my best not to urge him to drive fast on our way back home. In the morning when Dad had called to get me updated, I clamped down on my urge to wail and instead said, “May Allah ease everything for her... And for us.”
I could feel my parents guilt because they were not with me. I could feel guilt boiling up within me as I thought of years past and how I wished I had spent more time with her.
Alhamdulillah, by Allah’s grace, my daughter was blessed enough to be held by her great grandma before she died. She asked Zaid to place her near her even as she lay there in pain. She stroked my baby’s hair gently and whispered, “She looks just like you my Junaina, Barak Allahu Feeha.”
Dadi wasn’t with us much longer after that. Death had come to her as it will come to all of us.
It was hard to process it. It was awful that I couldn’t pray the janazah prayer for her. It broke my heart that she wouldn’t be there anymore. She left such a void... One that could not be filled.
And not just for me, but so many people. From Salimabad and outside, we had so many visitors on her funeral and days and months after. She had touched so many lives with the light of her kindness and love and generosity. People who had no ties to her but that of love were grieving for the loss of her, as though she were of their own blood.
What a legacy she left behind...
Seven days after my little one came to thw world, there was no doubt as to what she would be named.
We called her Razeena, with prayers that she would emulate her great grandma of whom she would only hear stories and memories.
Dadi always reminded me of the verse from Surah an Noor, “Light upon light, and Allah guides to His light whom He wills.”
Her life was an example. So I hope is mine.


***

Alhamdulillah.

At this moment, I cannot believe that I have finally closed the book that is Light upon Light. I do not remember exactly, but I believe it has been 5-6 years since I have been writing this book. That's years of time spent with one character and her family and friends.

I have much to say, perhaps in a separate author's note.

For now, let me know your thoughts.

Jazakallahu Khairan Katheeran to all the people who have stayed with this with me for years, who have only found it recently. It means the world to me that you think this is a good book.

Much love,
fmf